Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Shrinky Dinks

Cassie and I started therapy, cause I am a hip 40 year old mom and because when you get to a point that your frustrationis are making you say things that you would never normally is time for an intervention.

Just admitting that feels good. I was raised to fake the good and hide the bad. I never quite caught on to that and would rather be out there looking flawed than to be flawed, faking perfection. Too much pressure......

I think it will really help and the first session seemed to go quite well. We already seem to understand each other a little better. I really like that office because they so could NOT believe there was ANY way I was 40!! Yes, I knew I loved it there.

I always thought I would maintain my ability to "remember 14" or whatever age any one of my children were and that I would be able to mentally return to that age just to undertsand their feelings. Funny thing happens though, as hard as you try to remember that time, your knowledge, that only age can bring, keeps creeping back in and you still forget how you just would not have known any better at that time. You keep the feelings of the age, in a sense, but they are so clouded now by "knowing better".

Sometimes the act of something is just as important as what that act may bring about in the end. I think sitting in an office, talking about our feelings says how important that other person is to you, just as shooing someone's "200th same question of the day, worded differently," says you don't matter now. We say so much without really meaning to say anything at all. I am trying to pay more attention to that.

Travis, Chase and Lacey are coming in to the home stretch of graduating. It seems I just went through this all with Ryan, but two years have come and gone like a bowl of Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream (my favorite) and here I am all stirred up with emotions again. Just too many milestones, maybe. All of them remind me of how fast the time goes....Brooke will be four years old in less than two months! Unfreakin' believable!

I spent the wonder years, wondering way too much, the 20s growing up too fast, the 30s falling apart and now I really hope to do something different in my 40s. All these years of deep thinking and picking apart every last detail of my life was maybe to prepare me to actually decide to think about it less and live it more.

I'm so ready for that!


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