Thursday, November 02, 2006

Layers of Worry

This whole land contractee leaving has set off a sprint into financial disaster and I am so tired of worrying about it all. Making those past payments have just killed my already nonsufficient budget and to make matters worse, Christmas is coming so soon!

My lack of motivation may be just my shock at just how bad it has gotten and I am in a frozen state of "OMG, How will I ever dig myself out of this one???!!??" I have stopped answering my phone for the most part and since I have several applications out there, I allow Brooke to answer calls. She started off just wanting to answer the phone, but then I saw how wonderful it was for her to hang up on the bill collectors without me ever having to hear their voices. Basically, if she doesn't hear anything after saying "Hello", she says it one more time, then hangs up and tells me, "Nobody dare". I have gotten all too familiar with that long pause before the collectors ask for us. Thank Goodness Brooke does not have the patience to say "hello" four or five times cause that is the average amount of times before they connect usually.

Thirty nine years old, umemployed, sinking in debt ....this is not the life I imagined at all. Hell, it could not be further from it. Why did bad luck have to be such a big part of my life and how do I turn that around? What now? Should I hop on a plane to another country? Why am I so afraid of planes??? These are among the gazillion questions that go through my mind all day, every day. I'm so tired.

Thank God for my great friends, wonderful children and my ability to go numb in a crisis. Without those things, I am not sure I could make it. I still have high hopes for 2007. I'm such a sucker!


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