The Stuff that Can Only Happen to ME!!!

I was out last night at a Christmas party, drinking with family and friends having a perfectly good time until..........

I walk up to the bar for another beer and my brother in law says..."Hey, you look really hot in a bikini!" which is followed by uncontrollable laughing. You know, the kind that makes you unable to even speak to further explain what the HELL you are talking/laughing about!!

I look at him puzzled. Then he starts posing in flex positions and is still laughing..then I get the flash of what this is, but how could it be, this makes no sense..OMG!

Back before Brooke was born, I started gaining weight. I started working out and buying different books to help with this very sudden and troublesome weight gain. Cassie would come home from school and I would be hopping about in the living room in front of some exercise VHS I had popped in and she would just giggle at the sight of me. I was desperate and adjusting my eating to rarely and my exercise to, well, any chance I got. She still laughs to this day about "Remember when you were pregnant and didn't know it and thought you were fat and doing all that exercise stuff??"

One of my many books were "Body for Life". It was a program that featured those "before and after" photos where you are all fat, flabby and very pale..but then, after strictly following the book's eating/exercise schedule, you are all thin, buff and massively tanned.

One night as I sat reading it, I was explaining to Bob about the whole reason these people get so buff so fast. He, the pseudo-body training expert, was all, "that won't work.....". Mix in a few beers, Cassie listening in and a disposable camera in sight and you get two people on a challenge.

We run upstairs,put on swimwear, humorously pose in positions that people were in on the front and back cover as our, "fat, flabby and pale befores". Throwing out our guts, flexing like muscle heads and thinking these pictures could be the stuff that blackmail is made of and that we would surely have to send them to a mail out development place. The local one hour photo place would certainly keep a copy and share them with others for a laugh.

Then the unthinkable happens. We lose the camera. Since I am one that takes an average of 3 years to develop most film, this is not unusual. There was also that unfortunate camera accident where I had two cameras sitting on top a box ,that was sitting up against a wall in the my bedroom where the furnace cover had fallen off. One day as I reached to get something stacked under the box, the two cameras fall into the opening of the heating vent and were gone forever in the furnace.

We start developing different cameras we found around the house and realize that the only things that seem to be missing are Ryan's D.C. trip pics and the body for life shots. I feel bad about the D.C. pictures loss, but almost joyfully giddy over the lose of the second camera and the contents that were better left unviewed, by light of a sober day and actual sense.

Okay, so how someone has, obviously, developed my pictures five years later in some cruel twist of fate that, the God's of cruel twists of fate, happen to play on me just a little too damn much! I can tell by the way my sister and BIL are talking that they must think this is some sexually weird thing Bob and I must have done and this is only further proven to them when Bob says, "OMG, does it have those naked pictures we took together a long time ago??" I respond with a look of total shock and say "What naked pictures???????" I am slowly sinking into some sort of hell as I browse through the pages of my mind, several times, looking for "naked pictures" and come up with "NO F"IN WAY".

I said, "That must have been you and your first wife, cause this gal, ain't enough alcohol in the universe for that!". I mean, with stretch marks and being at my flabbiest in years, taking body for life shots, that just seemed silly and something that would be for my eyes only as I saw them, burnt all evidence and had a good laugh....but NEKKID????? HELL, NO!!

Now, you have to realize that these have ended up in the worst possible hands ever. Since my sis says they developed these two weeks ago, I already know that 2 weeks, times 16 daylight hours, times a view every 2 minutes in said two weeks is a possible 7000 people that have viewed these from my entire family, her co-workers, her neighbors,the PTA, and random strangers that she wants to bond with in shopping malls....I mean, these suckers have been shared with anyone and everyone! No. doubt.

She says her girls looked at the photos first, who then shared them with my sis and my mother..yes, MY MOTHER, who them shared them with BIL and they showed two friends and they showed two friends and so on and so on and SO ON!!

The horror is beyond any horror I have ever known and is only equal to the question of how in the hell she ended up with this camera, which she says has her Easter pictures on it. Now we did have an Easter/Brooke's birthday party at the new house this year...but the camera missing for 5 years...I mean..what are the chances that it is lost forever, moves with us, ends up in a place where she believes it is her camera and WTF???? HOW?? WHY??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??!!???

SERIOUSLY....YOU HAVE TO BE FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what begs ever further question is why my sis, who I have talked to a few times in the past two weeks, fails to ever bring this up, but her drunk husband does so, in a bar, filled with people, at a Christmas party....OMG, again. Now, that I think about it, everyone was looking at me sort of differently and they probably had a viewing on some large screen monitor right before I walked in....and my forgotten body for life mistake is now just embarrassment for life and, OMG, I need to go lay down now.........................

But, seriously, why?????????????????