Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Minus Me

I did not make it to any family event this weekend and there was one every single day. Saturday was a grad party, Sunday, a birthday party and Monday, a picnic. I don't know why it is so mentally exhausting to think about going, but after it is all said and done, I am feeling a bit guilty.

Sometimes you just get a sense of what you need, what you can handle and what you need to do to maintain and it doesn't include certain situations. It is not the fault of others and it usually has everything to do with you. I just feel down about my situation and something about seeing everyone happy and financially well was too much to take this weekend. So childish, but so true. I guess that is where the guilt comes in. I don't begrudge them for having, I am just down on myself for not, maybe. It just makes me feel like a failure and I stayed away for completely selfish reasons.

At 40, I have so much growing up to do.

People will often tell me I do not do enough for myself, but I think maybe I do way too much for myself in all the wrong ways. I treat myself to nothing, rarely buy items or services and so I appear somehow deprived. I more than make up for it with my emotional neediness to have everything as I need it to be at all times.

Half the battle of any issue is recognizing it, so as bad as I come out here, I have at least started to acknowledge it. I'm tired of babying myself to prevent stress and anxiety, when all it has ever done is caused it.

Note to self: Knock that shit off.


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