Friday, April 27, 2007

The Blahs

The last few days, (maybe weeks, possibly years) I have felt so down and so out of it. The real kind, not that mild blues thing. It feel more like depression, bad, tired of everything, including grooming myself, depression.
Every task feels like a mountain to climb, no matter how small and insignificant. I am currently blaming the extra level of stress(stress equals Cassie, for the most part), my diet and AT&T. I miss Ryan a lot too, but he will be home soon.
I am both looking forward to and dreading my new job. I look forward to it when I think about being around grown ups, getting out and having some purpose other than the house and kids. I dread it when I think about waking up every morning, racing out the door and missing Brooke like crazy.
Everyone says it will be good for both of us, and though it probably will, I still hate not being the one with her when it has been the only thing she has known. Mother's guilt is the worst of all. I predict she will adjust much faster than me.
I am going to send in the paperwork to turn the other house over to the mortgage company. I had hopes it would sell and be paid off with a little extra to straighten out the ten other messes it caused, but ain't gonna happen, I guess.
Tonight we are having R's birthday at the house and I think that will lift my mood, maybe give this flatness I feel a new shape and form.
I need to go clean this house and myself up, but I keep finding other things to NOT do.


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