Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Storm Before the Calm

(Warning: This post may damage your mood)

I was talking to a friend last night about being down. Really down. I know I have to stop all this negativity, but sometimes it seems like I am looking at a black wall trying to find a bright spot. One little dot of color amoungst the dark just to find something to feel content, some little ray of hope or anything to counteract all the stuff getting to me right now.

So many things are bothering me it feels like everything and nothing. It isn't just one thing, but so many things that it is just hard to figure out where to start. How to begin to stop being annoyed, tired, overwhelmed and stuck. And, oh, how I hate being stuck.

Spring is here, and as I have mentioned, golf season is in full swing. Brooke is going to bed later and later and my Dad is calling earlier and ealier, waking her up, waking me up and making a very yucky start of a day for two very cranky, tired gals.

When the phone rang at 703am this morning, after I was up til after 2am, it was like torture. I couldn't seem to come to enough to get up and answer it and he let it ring and ring and ring and ring. Then after about 60 rings, it stopped. Just as I start drifting back into a cozy sleep state, it rings 60 more times and I have to give in. I have to drag my tired ass to the phone. By this time, it has awoken Brooke and as I go to do whatever chore he has requested, she is following behind me, crying from waking up too early, whining for cereal and juice, and feeling miserable.

Her crankiless just intensifies as the day goes on. With it comes major demands, cries if demands are not met, cries when demands are met, lots and lots of crying. While the demands and crying marathon are peaking, so are my work calls for the day. I strain to hear what people are saying, I apologize, I try to juggle both and I try to just merely survive without losing my freakin' mind.

I pass by the mirror and see this ugly, worn out looking face. Tired eyes and my face seemingly froze into a hopeless, stressed out looking state. Messy hair, unkept fingernails that need filed, and an aging, bitter person looking back at me.

I call the bank, get my checking account balance, stress over that balance and then try and figure out who will be left unpaid, how to get things into a budget, hand Travis twenty bucks for a movie, Cassie five for a trip to Mcdonalds with friends, Bob ten for gas and then figure out who else is not going to get paid because now my whole plan is screwed.

That is so not who I want to be. I also realize that being down magnifies all this depressive crap. I struggle for a way out. I try and stay busy doing things around the house, playing on the back patio with Brooke and just falsing playing the "things are fine" role. Constantly reassuring myself that this to shall pass, but then secretly wondering if it ever really will.

Okay, I got it out. That is a start, right? Now I just try and do better. I force happiness until I actually get to it. At least that is the plan for now. I can do this, have done it before, will do again and all that pep talk shit. I will write about cute puppies, flowers and newborn babies entering this fabulous world of hope and possibility tomorrow.

It COULD happen!!


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