Thursday, April 27, 2006

What I have Learned about Myself

I always tried to keep journals, but never had much success at keeping up with them. I thought a blog would be a good way to have one and more fun, cause I get to share it with my friends. They are like mini-updates when we get too busy to talk on the phone or get together.

What I have learned about myself from doing this is...........

1. Damn, I am miserable a lot.
2. I have too much stress
3. When you write about the biggest part of your day or the activity of your day, your life starts looking like you are more miserable than you are, that you drink more than you actaully do, and that you are way more opinionated than you actually feel you are in your daily life.
4.But, damn, I am miserable a lot.

As mothers, you feel so guilty to be unhappy because someone, especially your own self, can turn on yourself with the "You are SOOO blessed to have four, wonderful, healthy children" What the hell is the matter with you????".

You learn that your whole life's happiness cannot revolve around that fact entirely. Yes, in that area, I am blessed beyond measure. In other parts of my life, I am not. It is those parts that leave me feeling unsatisfied, restless and unpurposeful at the end of the day.

The underlying factors of my misery include a few things. One is that I cannot find a good paying job in this area. I want to be out there more, working and being successful in that way. By success I mean having enough money to pay the bills and have some left over to do things with the kids that we can't normally do, get my hair done more, get a manicure and just breath easier because I know I am not stressing about how to make ends meet every second of my life.

Another would be feeling appreciated in some small, tiny way for the things that I already do now. That working at home would not be viewed as easy and that taking care of your kids would earn you just a wee bit of respect. That someone would see your job for what it is and not for what they imagine it is, "not really like working at all".

Also, that if I can't make it all work, what message am I sending my kids? People with money and success have children that grow up to have money and success. This is just the way it seems to work and if that is true, what lifestyle am I setting my own kids up for? Sure, you encourage education and going after anything their heart desires, but at the end of it all, do they follow in your miserable footsteps? God, I hope not.

For so many years, I was hoping that the message I sent was that you can still be happy, light-hearted, and easy going when all fails and life doesn't turn out exactly as you had planned. That works for awhile and you make the very best of it with pride. Then after years of worry and watching things pass you by, a little bit of resentment starts building up and then grows into a lot of resentment. You get tired from it all and learning to be happy with what you have just won't cut it anymore. The frustration builds so high that you can't even see over it anymore to reason a way out.

This is not who I want to be anymore and yet I haven't a clue how to make the change, how to rearrange my life in a way that doesn't feel like so much of a chore anymore.

I have plenty of ideas, but no buck to back it up. It is like I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for opportunity to knock, but it never shows up and I don't even know how to create it for myself anymore. Maybe that is the most important thing I have learned. And that is the part that sucks the most.

I promised myself I would not edit myself or try to appear any different than what I am in writing on this journal. I started to think I should actually write some pleasant, happy little posts because who wants to be a downer all the time?? Not me. But right now, I am in a place where it feels like now or never and in order to change it I have to stop telling myself it is okay. It is not okay anymore and I can say it, bitch about it and try and work it all out in my head. I need to really feel the truth before I can change my truth. So, sorry about that, but if you want happy, you came to the wrong place today. :(


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