"Okay"
Not only do I feel like a downer, I could probably use a few. Writing that post yesterday just came naturally. I sat and wrote and I am never quite sure where it will be going. The problem in the whole thing is that "came naturally" part, because I spend half my life censoring that.
Kelly called on the phone and I was beside myself about it all. First, what if someone read it and then thought something was totally wrong with me? I spend so much time looking and acting "okay'. It is not that I am NOT "okay", but "okay" is relative to other people's interpretations.
Being okay at a school function is being pleasant and friendly to other moms whether you think they are whacked, ass kissers or someone trying to make sure their kid is just a bit higher up than anyone else's. Being okay in public is not having outbursts when some crazy bitch runs into the back of your foot at the grocery store. Being okay with your in-laws is not telling them how bad they f'ed up your spouse. Being okay at home includes talking about the other moms, venting about crazy bitches and telling your spouse how f'ed up they are and just saying and doing what you want without physically injuring others. That last part takes massive restrait at times.
So, you have this "okay" meter with all the people in your life and you work hard to stay within it. Then you go and write a post about your deepest, darkest feelings about yourself and then you feel you have gone beyond what they might consider "okay" for you. Then you write a follow-up, meaningless post trying to explain why you are so bothered by exposing yourself. Then you wonder if you went outside the meter again. Then you wonder why, after obsessing, worrying, and stressing out about stupid shit, that you literally feel like shit.
Then you get it. You see the patterns and it can be helpful. Exhausting, maybe. But, still, helpful.
Exposing yourself might actually not be such a bad thing. Maybe if we all did a bit more of that,people might not feel so weird about certain aspects of their "hidden" files. Maybe I should post a close up photo of my dreaded stretch marks and just put it all out there for everyone!!
Yeah...... Let's not get carried away.
Kelly called on the phone and I was beside myself about it all. First, what if someone read it and then thought something was totally wrong with me? I spend so much time looking and acting "okay'. It is not that I am NOT "okay", but "okay" is relative to other people's interpretations.
Being okay at a school function is being pleasant and friendly to other moms whether you think they are whacked, ass kissers or someone trying to make sure their kid is just a bit higher up than anyone else's. Being okay in public is not having outbursts when some crazy bitch runs into the back of your foot at the grocery store. Being okay with your in-laws is not telling them how bad they f'ed up your spouse. Being okay at home includes talking about the other moms, venting about crazy bitches and telling your spouse how f'ed up they are and just saying and doing what you want without physically injuring others. That last part takes massive restrait at times.
So, you have this "okay" meter with all the people in your life and you work hard to stay within it. Then you go and write a post about your deepest, darkest feelings about yourself and then you feel you have gone beyond what they might consider "okay" for you. Then you write a follow-up, meaningless post trying to explain why you are so bothered by exposing yourself. Then you wonder if you went outside the meter again. Then you wonder why, after obsessing, worrying, and stressing out about stupid shit, that you literally feel like shit.
Then you get it. You see the patterns and it can be helpful. Exhausting, maybe. But, still, helpful.
Exposing yourself might actually not be such a bad thing. Maybe if we all did a bit more of that,people might not feel so weird about certain aspects of their "hidden" files. Maybe I should post a close up photo of my dreaded stretch marks and just put it all out there for everyone!!
Yeah...... Let's not get carried away.
posted by Sunny at Saturday, June 24, 2006
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