Fam Damily
Why is it that family can hold the most painful parts of your life? Is it because we have to love them more, are too close to them or is it because they are just causing you total, freakin' misery??
If I live to 100, will I ever get over my family? I used to think I could, but maybe I am just not built that way. Maybe disapproving, insulting, unfair treatment just doesn't roll off my back like it should. In the area of both nature and nurture, I got screwed over, obviously.
If it was just that they treated me like a total idoit that deserves nothing and I was genetically well-adjusted in the area of "who gives a shit", I would have been just fine. On the flip side, if they were actually decent to me and I was lacking in coping mechanisms, maybe their support would have been helpful. Unfortunately, they press all my buttons and my "who gives a shit" gene doesn't exist in those particular family matters.
I do have quite a talent using that gene in other areas of my life, such as, my health matters, for instance, but I think that might be bad. I also call on that gene when I am tired of housework and cooking, at times.
Maybe we spend too much time confusing what we "would" do, with what others "should" do. Like if someone in my family became sick or were suffering through a difficult time in their lives, I would be supportive, non-judgemental, loving, helpful and concerned. So, in expecting those things from others and getting inter-family gossip calls that do not only NOT include me, but are about me, have them minimize it, judge it, totally not be supportive and be disgusted instead, tends to be a tough pill to swallow. Anyone that knows me gets how hard pills are for me to swallow, in the first place. Again. Screwed.
Most families, including mine, are not horrid, heartless people. I think they just get in a cycle of "roles". My role is to take the blame for everything, expect nothing and be on the outside of everything. They like it that way, they set it up that way and I do my best to comply. I am helpful like that.
The funny part is that from their eyes, they see something totally different. They feel justified to act the way they do or do the things they do because they feel that is how you deal with the entity that is "me". Maybe that is the hardest part of all, looking into the eyes of the people you were around since the day you were born and realizing that they may never "get" you and the roles that are set up run so deep that they can't step outside of them long enough to see that they have no idea who you are anymore. But even worse, totally think they do and think you have it all wrong.
If it is true what they say, that "Friends are God's way of making up for your family", then I can't complain too much. In that area, I have always been blessed.
If I live to 100, will I ever get over my family? I used to think I could, but maybe I am just not built that way. Maybe disapproving, insulting, unfair treatment just doesn't roll off my back like it should. In the area of both nature and nurture, I got screwed over, obviously.
If it was just that they treated me like a total idoit that deserves nothing and I was genetically well-adjusted in the area of "who gives a shit", I would have been just fine. On the flip side, if they were actually decent to me and I was lacking in coping mechanisms, maybe their support would have been helpful. Unfortunately, they press all my buttons and my "who gives a shit" gene doesn't exist in those particular family matters.
I do have quite a talent using that gene in other areas of my life, such as, my health matters, for instance, but I think that might be bad. I also call on that gene when I am tired of housework and cooking, at times.
Maybe we spend too much time confusing what we "would" do, with what others "should" do. Like if someone in my family became sick or were suffering through a difficult time in their lives, I would be supportive, non-judgemental, loving, helpful and concerned. So, in expecting those things from others and getting inter-family gossip calls that do not only NOT include me, but are about me, have them minimize it, judge it, totally not be supportive and be disgusted instead, tends to be a tough pill to swallow. Anyone that knows me gets how hard pills are for me to swallow, in the first place. Again. Screwed.
Most families, including mine, are not horrid, heartless people. I think they just get in a cycle of "roles". My role is to take the blame for everything, expect nothing and be on the outside of everything. They like it that way, they set it up that way and I do my best to comply. I am helpful like that.
The funny part is that from their eyes, they see something totally different. They feel justified to act the way they do or do the things they do because they feel that is how you deal with the entity that is "me". Maybe that is the hardest part of all, looking into the eyes of the people you were around since the day you were born and realizing that they may never "get" you and the roles that are set up run so deep that they can't step outside of them long enough to see that they have no idea who you are anymore. But even worse, totally think they do and think you have it all wrong.
If it is true what they say, that "Friends are God's way of making up for your family", then I can't complain too much. In that area, I have always been blessed.
posted by Sunny at Wednesday, June 21, 2006
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