Shit Runs Deep

First, Blogger is on my last nerve. I could not sign on for awhile. I am on my period and blogger can suck my ass.

I have a backache and a headache and need to vent. By venting, I mean repeating stories of my past which will serve no real purpose but to get me more pissed off. But, hey, hell, sometimes there is nothing left to do but be pissed off.

I was reading a book by Dr. Phil and it had to do with his "defining moments" that changed who you are. You list them and then pick your top ten, so as to understand how you became you, or some shit like that. What you then do with that information, I haven't a clue because I haven't gotten that far yet. But anyway, most of mine told me I was least important in any and all pecking orders. I tried to remember the first time I realized it, because maybe that could be important, but I just can't, I just always knew.

An early one I remember was when I was maybe 14ish. My sister was riding my ass all day, calling me names, insulting everything I did, laughing at me, taunting me and occasionally throwing items at me.....I liked to call that "everyday" back then. I always sort of looked up to her and wanted her to like me, but this day was different. It was like a light bulb went off and I was completely aware of what a crappy person she really was towards me. I had enough, more than enough, even.

When she would start on me, my mom never came to my defense. Sometimes she would even tell me why it was my fault and that some of the things my sister was saying were actually true. Like when she called me a fat pig, my mom would explain that if it bothered me so much, maybe I should lose the extra ten pounds I was carrying because she said that being that I was tall and broad, that my frame could easy become quite unsightly and that if I became disgusting and large, no one would ever want me.

One day I wore one of my sister's shirts to school which was a big no-no, because my mom explained to me that I don't know how to take care of anything and I was a slob. That was also her reason for getting me bargain basement clothes and sis top of the line stuff. Sure, one pair of her pants cost as much as all the clothes I got for Christmas, but SHE was not a slob and I was. When I got home and sis saw me in the shirt, she proceeded to break each and every ceramic and glass frog in my collect, that sat on top of my dresser. I was devastated, but according to my mom, I got exactly what I deserved. I'll never forget the look on my sis's face when she "won" and was not even told that what she did was wrong. It was this "you can never win, fool" look that we both totally understood.

Back to that day when I was fed up with the abuse. We came in to help set the table and she started calling me names and I just blew. I told her that her ass was flat, she was a very ugly person and that I really hated her. The room went dead silent. My mom stood at the sink with her mouth dropped open in total shock. Then the most extreme look of anger came over her face, one I have never seen since. She went completely apeshit on me. Who the hell did I think I was and I could not talk to my sis that way. I started to protest that she does, to me, all the time, but I was hushed quickly and told to go to my room because the sight of me was making her sick and that the only reason she was not going to beat me was because if she started, she feared she would not be able to stop.

That day something changed in me forever. I knew that I did not really matter and that my 14 years of pleasing was not going to get me any further in the situation. Whether that was a true fact or not, it was to me. I soon started to rebel by talking back and taking on a teenage attitude from hell. Maybe I did it to fight back or maybe I did it to have some evil behavior to justify my treatment, because it was all too painful. I'm not really sure which.

As I got a bit older and had Ryan, I wanted to be pleasing again. I wanted to make my parents proud of me and it started the cycle that I still find myself buried in today. I please, I get rejected, I rebel-I get rejected, I go away and get ignored. I blame myself. They blame me. Come back and the cycle repeats. To them, I am always at fault. I deserve what I get, just as I always have. And all those painful incidents in the past, they never happened and if someone said something bad to me, I surely was the cause of it. I understand that, how do you remember a day that was quite normal for you??? They were not having the same day as me.

A few years ago, as the treatment has never really changed, I went through a very low time. I decided to explain how it hurt me and how I just really needed to matter, be told that because I was feeling so horrid. I just needed the tiniest little pep talk and some show of support and acceptance. I called my mom to try and have a talk. Instead I got huffs of disgust and more insults and more intolerance. Later, I got a call from sis telling me I needed serious help if I was expecting some sort of apology for things in the past and if I was in bad place, it was because I put myself there.

I hung up wondering if she was right. More self-doubt, more hurt and more pain. I knew I did not want to be this person that wanted to bring up the past, but the past kept repeating and any way I tried to fend it off, I was still the asshole.

No matter how far removed I place myself from the situation, I still come out feeling "never good enough" and if your mother does not completely adore you, who really will? Even when love and acceptance comes my way through others, I never trust it. I always think at some point they are going to see that "thing" that makes my family shy away from me, even if I have no idea what that "thing" actually is or if it really exists. I can't show affection to others and I have serious trust issues. So serious, that I do not even trust myself.

I have self-defeating emotions because I hate the world I was shown and I hate myself, at times, for not really being about to rise above it all. I know better, but it doesn't make the bad stuff inside go away. The fear, the distrust, the sadness and the feeling of being totally lost at times is always with me. No one can turn that around but me and as I felt like a failure, I have proven it, utlimately, by failing myself. Now that is a defining moment for ya!!

My friend and I were talking about the two lives we live, the outside one and the inside one and maybe my inside life may be surprising to people or maybe not, but we all have that little part within us that we rarely let out.

Dr Phil, a.k.a my god of reason, says two things that hit home with me. 1. What you fear, you create and 2. you cannot fix what you do not acknowledge. Consider me acknowledging.

Just for the record, my sis turned out to be a really good mom and has a good life. I am not harboring anger for her as you might expect. I think it would be hard for her to understand the way I feel, as we lived very different lives. It is not anger that I have towards anyone, it is still the same way it was way back then, just me waiting for someone to tell me I am lovable and deserving, but at the same realizing that it doesn't mean shit. And trying, somehow, to find a rational way to my own peace, in a pain that is anything but rational.

So, what I know today is that the things I think I have gotten over, I haven't. Until, I do they will keep bubbling to the surface. My family's love and acceptance will never fix it. The only thing that will ever fix it is my own, for myself. If I wasn't buying it, no one could sell it to me and make me hurt over it from years past to present day. Maybe it wasn't my fault that the seed was planted, but it is my fault if I harvest it for a lifetime.

Now, if I could just find a way to get my hands on some emotional weed killer!