Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I used to have this recurring dream about being somewhere, like a concert or a Wal-mart and it turns into my class reunion, and I have no idea it will turn into my class reunion so I am totally not dressed right and I generally just look like shit and it is all stressful and junk.

I had it again last night. I was in some sort of very large, public, multi-toilet bathroom attempting to pee and when I walked to the sink....WAH LAH, my class reunion! B, my friend was standing there in some "walk like an Egyptian" dress and her hair was glittery silver and she had on sandals that strung around her ankles several times. I start seeing all these random people from high school, but I cannot remember there names, for real. Then I glance in the mirror and there I stand with no make-up, messy uncombed hair and some weird, nerdy outfit on. It was a long jean shirt, past my knees, and a blue t-shirt. Over this I have on a jean jacket thingy that is almost as long as my shirt.

I look and my boobs are enormous, but I look really chubby...but my boobs were enormous!! Did I already mention that? Anyway, I decide to walk out of this bathroom, to escape this hell, to go buy something to wear, go back home, clean up and return, but when I walk out I am in a giant reception hall and people from high school are coming up to talk to me! I am trapped. I think about what I look like and what I have on and what the hell am I gonna do?? So, I do the only thing I can, act like a hippie type, cause I want to look this way, make-up and actual hair-dos are so 1980s and you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman.... and then puff out my chest and work the boobs, cause that's all I really have to work with here.

I feel like I am really doing well, making the best of this thing and then I pass by a dance floor and there is a mirror and I see myself again and OMG!! I look even worse!! The horror wakes me up.

I am not sure why rough times always take me back to high school, but on the other hand it is so text book psychology.....not good enough, never prepared and my sis used to act like I had the biggest, ickiest boobs ever even though they were never so big and my mom used to buy Jane Russell 18 hour double d's for me that my b cups could not even fill out a quarter of the way, and when your sister endlessly talks about being a size 3, but you are a 9 and so all fits! I think it always made me feel like they saw me so differently than I really was, both physically and mentally and BLAH..I hate that dream!

I am not even sure why I am in a rough time. Well, I can think of a few reasons, but the money issue is mostly under control. Of course, the money issue creates a mighty good distraction from all the other things that could have been on my mind... and that are now on my mind since I cannot worry about being late on this payment or that one. Ugh, I get so tired of me.

In my daily, awake life I have dealt with the issues of the past, cause we all have them and they all suck..but move on already. Maybe I really haven't if they creep back to me at night, though. Maybe I think too much and wish I didn't.

Back to 2007, I need a new distraction. A good one. Maybe the days it will take me to think of a good one will work for now. You gotta start somewhere....


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