Sunday, March 15, 2009

There is Only One Way to Go, I Guess

Well. Maybe two. Wynonna said when you hit rock bottom, there's only two ways to go, straight up or sideways. I always believe her. I always seem to go sideways too.

I am in such a strange place. Hard to even define. I do tell the people closest to me, cause I am pretty sure we have equal evidence against one another for being commited. I try and play it safe with the deepest information. I'm wise like that.

One thing I never really talked about much here is definitely the biggest issue in my life. It starts with an Anx and ends with an Iety. And. It really sucks. It is not just something that you can re-route, it is something that works really hard to become the center of your universe. If you listen to it, it grows. If you ignore it, it fights back violently as to say "LOOKIE HERE, I'M COMING BACK BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN EVER......MUHAHAHA!!!". The worst part is that just when you think you have it all figured out, stress happens. Lots and lots of stress and BOOM, square one.

My main escape is work. It is predictable for the most part, no one sneaks out or anything like at home. There are a few personalities I could live without and a few people that make mountains out of molehills while I search furiously for ways to make molehills out of mountains in my own life. Sometimes I would pay to have the problems they think they have, cause life would be a breeze. Not to minimize anyone else's struggles, but it just seems some people have to have the drama and so a small issue can become what makes them nuts for weeks and weeks on end.

Home is my stress place, no doubt. Cassie, oh my Lord, Cassie. I can't even talk in detail about her here because it could tramautize and torment others. Its just so bad. Hopefully, in writing about it without writing about it, I can gain an outside look in and maybe figure out what to do, because I am great with other people's problems, just really sucky with my own.

Bob, ugh. He killed me on a Wednesday and thats all I have to say about that. Seriously though, he can take a stressful situation that you think could NOT possibly get any worse and make it SO MUCH WORSE! When things get bad around here, he tells me, the one doing everything, how I just sit there and do nothing about it. There are not words. He also follows me like a puppy and anywhere I go, he finds a reason to search and destroy. It is exhausting. Occasionally he is useful, like when I have had enough and yell "BOB!!!!!!!!!" and he makes offending people get away from me now.

I'm not trying to say that I am not difficult, cause I am. I crawl in my corner and surrender a lot. I deal with and deal with and deal with and when I can't deal with one more second, I detach and need space and I can't get space, so I detach more. Then I basically hate, resent and lash out. When I have had enough, I have to make myself laugh at something, anything. So, out of nowhere, I change. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I 'm a sinner, I'm a saint..I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing inbetween.

I can't seem, for how much I want it, to be where I want and need to be and goddamn, it is so frustrating. Bad times are like a prison and everyone and everything else is holding the key. I want my fucking key back. Which reminds me of the anger. The anger at trying to be a nice person in this world that deserves nice back and gets not nice back. And all that being said, I know somewhere that I am to blame and that only I can change things for myself, but I'm tired. That is the opportunity for depression to come in and it has and I have to be the one to make it go away.

I want simple. I crave simple. I was given this deeply analytical brain and it doesn't serve you well to have to think so much. I envy people that take life for what it is and they just live life not searching for a reason or some bigger meaning to it all. We live, we die and everything in the middle is just making the best of it and accepting the uncertainty and ups and downs of this life. I want to know why, who , when , where and maybe all that crap doesn't really matter. I want security and certainty where none exists and I am ruining my middle every step of the way waiting for the answers where there aren't any.

I am 42 now. Its time.


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