Monday, March 09, 2009


It has been years. Well, not years, but, like a year and a half or more. This used to be my place to go, while I worked at home, to unload a lot of whiny-ass bullshit. I miss that.

I have been working at "The Practice" for two years now. I love it, I hate it and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. My co-workers....same, but they have become so much a part of my weekday family. Only one is on my shitlist today and some days..none at all. That ain't so bad.

Ryan will be graduating from college this year. I can't believe it. I'm so proud of him. He doesn't really need me so much anymore and that hurts as much as it makes me feel good to know he is independent. He sent me a text today that said, "I'm sick. I need you to take care of me.". Tearing up again. Excuse me....................

Travis will also graduate from a 2 year program in December and is working in a coal mine part-time, and omg, I made a rhyme. He was in an accident Wednesday, but he is okay. (Did I make another rhyme?) He is doing great and, again, proud.

We will be leaving proud to mention Cassie. Same shit, different year. Still love her and want the best for her and I hope someday she wants the same.

Brooke. The Princess. She is adorable and funny and fabulous and she brightens every single day and I am so not worthy. She is going to be six and all grown up like, reading me bedtime stories.

So, back to me. I'm in midlife again. Well. I never left it, I just bunked up and stayed and I can't figure out how to get the hell outta here. I'm going through this really reflective time and I see parts of my life so differently and its so long and complex and I reject complex, as I nurture it minute by minute. Everything feels like an ending with no real new beginning. The best times seem behind me and I long for days when I lived life instead of reflecting on it and analyzing it and feeling so damn far away from that life. Blah. I think they call it depression. FYI, it sucks.

So many things have happened and so many things have stayed exactly the same. Most of it I wish to reverse. Mostly, I miss me. I'm still me on the outside, but the inside is icky and sad. I plan to change it, I have been planning to change it for a long time and I think so much about changing it, but change, thats a hard one.

I figure I have some time left here and, you know, I look like I should feel better. I think life is harder than I thought while being so much easier than I make it. The things I am ready to let go of, hang on tighter and the things I let go, I question. Anyhow, I thought maybe I would start writing again and that it may help me figure it out. This might get deep. It may be the same whiny ass shit all over again and wouldn't that be horrid? I guess time will tell, but I am pretty sure it will start out sounding much worse and hopefully end being much better.


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