Monday, December 07, 2009

I Might Have it all Figured Out, But is the Pill too BIG to Swallow?

Another Monday. It is so busy, which is good because it does go faster, I suppose. (Look at me trying to pretend to see the good side).

I always thought of myself as a fairly positive person, but the truth is...I'm not. I am always worrying about what will happen next and it never seems to fail that it is something more chaotic than before. Then you start to wonder if you set it up that way, like those books that tell you that you set it up that way.

I hate those books.

I often wonder if the world is random or totally by design to take us where we were meant to be and it is already written or known. (Imagine feather flying through the air in Forest Gump). He thought it was a little of both. I realize that bad times make you apprecitae the good times, but what if the bad times keep on coming. Will you have more good to look forward to or are some people just here to make others think, "Wow, I have it good!".

I want things to be great and to work out and flow in a positive direction, but somewhere between wanting and doing, I get all feather in a tornado. I make a plan, feel good about it and then life happens and screws up plan. Then add in hormonal fluctuations and I find in three weeks time, I am all over the map on my way to nowhere different. Even worse, I'm tired of stressing over it, over everything. I'm just plain tired.

I think too much and I want to be one of those people that don't. Is that even possible? When your mind is so conditioned to think, rethink and overthink everything and when you try and make the best of things only to find that making the best of them still leaves you in a place where it mostly sucks, how do you get out of the storm? What is left of you to even keep trying?

Its no wonder then that I feel like I am living in a dream where nothing quite looks or feels right. They say it is the mind's way of protecting itself, but if this is protection, I would rather be unprotected. In order to heal, you have to be able to feel what is real, no matter how ugly and scary that might be.

I was thinking about Friday when I called the doctor to say my back was hurting and I was having all sorts of digestive issues. They said they closed in 45 minutes and could I make it in to be checked. I thought about it and said, "I'll just wait til Monday and see if anything improves." Then Monday is here, nothing improved and I don't call cause they will want me to go there and then they will probably give me something that I can't take anyway. Does this scenerio describe my life? I mean, what did I want in calling if I wasn't going to show up? Did I just want to report the state of things and do nothing about them? Is that what I do everyday in endless vents of this is wrong and that is off? Do I just hope that everything will eventually work itself out and never take any real action to assure it? HELL YES!! (Insert Dr. Phil asking "How is that workin' out for ya??) Not good, Doc, not good at all.

I get it so much and yet I don't really get it at all. I am commited to writing all my thoughts and all my doubts and all my questionings until I do get it though. Hopefully it will help sort out my mind and find the answers I need to show up, take my pill, deal with the side effects and let it work for once.


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