Friday, April 03, 2009


I had the flu most of the week and it is still causing havoc with my sinuses, which I am certain will require an antibiotic to get better, but I didn't call the doctor because I am me.

Speaking of me, I am so sick of ME!! I was watching Dr Phil when I was off sick and it is just never a good idea for me to watch Dr Phil. I am like a mental health hyperchondriac and I can always relate to whoever may be on that day, even if their issues are totally unrelated to any I have ever had...I can always find some common bond and something to add to my list of "that must be why I am like this". I'm tired of putting together pieces of a puzzle that is just a blank picture of nothing. Not that I am calling myself "nothing", it is just that you can put that all together and end up no further along then where you started anyway. Useless.

I scream I want less stress and that I want all these things to go a certain way and yet I do everything exactly the same. I guess we all do that too much. The answer is in action. Different action and resisting the pull and habit of being the same day after day. There are always those stresses around us that we can't change and so with those I suppose the only change possible is how we handle it and that has to be different too. It is so much easier to just fall in to what you have always done before, change is hard.

I thought I would start one day last week, this change the way I do the same shit, and then I found I had some aches, then the flu took hold and now the sinus ordeal. I can always find so many reasons to postpone. One big proof positive bit of evidence is how all my attempts to change start with one thing, cleaning the house. I always think, "Hmmmm, I'll get this place all organized and simple and then I'll start on myself. ". The what happens next is always the downfall of the plan. First, I'm much too tired for change after cleaning this place and second, it doesn't stay that way for more than five minutes, then I am much too pissed off for change.

I always think there is some magic thought that will make it all so clear, what I am to do and how I am to react, but the magic never happens. I did have a thought that other day that I thought might be it. It was just live and stop trying to figure it all out. Just be. But, hell, that could never work, right?? Too easy?? Too damn hard??

Anyway, I'm going to try and go outside of my safety zone a bit. Okay, so it may just start with a pepsid, but why suffer heartburn cause you hate pills?? Ya know? Plus, I'm gonna do it in other ways too. I'm going to just take a chance once in awhile even if I'm a little scared. Writing about it here qualifies too.

Its scary to put yourself out there.


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