Saturday, December 05, 2009

Lost-42 Year Old. Answers to Anything. Reward.

So, I have been gone and kinda in more ways than one. I forget myself. For so many years now, it has been constant stress and it is not the kind of stress that is in your control. It is life changing is all the bad ways. I'm stressed and anxious, causing me to feel sick in many non-specific ways. I get scared for me sometimes and wonder if I would even recognize "calm" if he showed up on my doorstep. I'm depressed and stuck. I'm forever hopeful and always working on ways to change the situation but those things beyond your control are hard to work around.

I hate the way my mood still controls the house. If I am a mess from the happenings in it, it just snowballs, because the mom is somehow the gauge for the whole feeling of the house. It is a lot of pressure and a job I don't take lightly. It is just a job I haven't been too successful at lately.

I know what has to be done and day after day it isn't happening. I need time to help myself, get out, do something different, have a few breaks here and there, have a few things fall in my favor, have a babysitter once a week to not have to go from work to more work and be out there enjoying something.....anything..just so I can remember what something that isn't a chore feels like.

I hate that I look at raising kids for 12 more years, at least, a job that seems overwhelming after already having 23 years in. I hate that I had such bad experiences that make me feel that way at all. I love Brooke, she is the funniest kid and I want her to have the same fun we all used to have when we were raising five at a time. Cassie continues to be a challenge and I hate that Brooke has to see and be a part of that too. I hate that Cassie's life is hard, because regardless what they put you through, you still wish happiness for every one of your children. I hate the isolation that troubles in your life cause. I want something better for everyone.

This starts out very depressing, but I think writing again will help. Even in chaos, good things still happen and funny moments make you forget all the issues for awhile and good friends make the road a little easier just by listening to you vent, or taking your mind off bad things entirely.

This is the venting part and hopefully the reward at the end will be finding myself within this web of stress and hard times, and learning to recognize calm again. I miss him too.


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