Nicotine Withdraw Hurts

Okay, first day was easier than I thought, second day I spent a lot of time moving, kicking, shaking legs, shaking arms, rolling about and making any motion, almost involuntarily and as though it would use up the excruciating pain and energy I had built up just wanting a freakin' cigarette. I went to bed that night and woke up at least every half an hour, feeling like I was suffocating and that my heart had stopped. I would jump up, gasp for air and punch myself in the chest, like my fists were shock panels. It was maybe one of the worst nights of my life. I do not like to even remember it, let alone discuss it.

Yesterday, after the bad night, I was up and moving at 630am. I did laundry, scrubbed down walls that were already clean, flooded the back patio with water and used a push broom to sweep it off, used clorax cleanup on the picnic table (cause it seemed like a good idea to sanitize it and junk), washed down all of Brooke's toys, did all the bed clothes and did not stop moving from 630am til about 4pm between cleaning and running uneceassary errands. Then I decided to get Brooke ready and take her to dinner.

We went to Bob Evan's were I took one of her crayons and got way too involved in coloring my placemat. They would ask if we needed anything or everything was okay and the stimulation seemed too great, replies were hard to get out, I just wanted to color and eat...."Yeah, fine" would finally leave my lips as I looked confused for a few seconds first. I'm sure they had bets in the kitchen about what my deal was, mentally ill or drug addict, at this point I felt both seemed correct.

Then Brooke wanted dessert and she loves these little ice cream treat things called Dibs. We went to the store to get them, where a punk cut in front of me and I wigged out, shoved the Dibs and my sno-caps towards the cashier and said "screw this" and stomped out. Brooke was all, "But you forget my ice cream, Mommy...I want my ice cream, Mommy...". To which I reply, loud enough to be heard, that we are going to DAIRY QUEEN now, as though I made the convenient store jealous. I got home from the Dairy Queen and left a tell-off message to SIL from hell. I thought of telling others off for various reasons, sort of like drunk dialing, but without alcohol cause the without nicotine part was bubbling up some massive anger and it all seemed okay to just get it out. Thank God, I got distracted, by a dusty lawn chair or something, and ran for the clorox.

Last night after the manic, sometimes violent irritability shit, I was tired, I was sad and, yet, I was still determined, though I have no idea why. I went to bed and still woke up constantly, but hourly this time, and this morning, I crave worse then ever. I want to cry, I miss my friend,even though my friend was going to give me cancer and make me unable to breath, in the short run, they made me very relaxed and happy. They helped me sleep apparently too and they helped me lay around for hours without shaking body parts. Wow, I miss that.

I am soooooooooooo suffering right now,I guess I have to go clean the walls again or something. Please pray the madness stops soon for me. Wait, my period is due in a few days.....this is not going to be good.............