Thursday, August 03, 2006

Cause Ya Had a Bad Day......

I don't know if was losing the cable this morning, the fact that I had to go outside in this heatwave, or that my family is turning into some crazy psychos that fight from morning til night, but I had a lousy day. It didn't help that I still did not get the house payment, that I made a 400 dollar error figuring out my checking balence that I discovered at the worst possible time or that I am just plain fed up with this life of mine...but damn, girl, today sucked.

It is now close to 1am and I was arguing with Cassie to come in off the front porch, get off the phone and just go to bed, already. She decided to respond loudly, as usual, which woke up Bob, who came out and escorted her in a not so nice way to her room. I yelled at Brooke, who was still up at 1230 and told she had to go to bed and with all the loud insanity that was our home today, she broke down in tears. I was not having it and told her to get to her room and then I broke down in tears, too. I felt guilty and even if I shouldn't, I still did. It didn't help that when I got over my jag and decided to lay down with her, she was asleep and the last thing she saw before that was a stressed out mommy.

I feel bad for Cassie, if for nothing else, just the stupidity she shows in not knowing when she has so crossed the line that she needs to just disappear and not further infruriate everyone. In any room, at any given time, if Cassie is there she is fighting with whoever else happens to be there and she just cannot understand that the common denominator is HER. It is hard to save someone with a knife in their hand claiming to be the victim all the time.

Travis made an insulting comment to me, within earshot of some friends down in the rec room, that hurt me to the core and it just broke my heart and made me feel bad about myself. It made me realize how completely opposite two different people can see the same exact thing. It is like having a bad conversation with someone and both of you thinking at the same time how boring the other one is and how they were not fun to hang out with at all.

Sometimes the sacrifices we make for others is more than we can afford to give up. When everyone around you is number one and you have not even made their list, feeling resentful is what tends to follow. Maybe you set it up that way without meaning to, but you hope that maybe, someday, someone sees it. Not for the recognition or the glory, but just to see that you are human too and you have feelings and you're not made of steel. And maybe they will begin to see that everything you do is out of love and, though it is never perfect, it came from a good place.

Or. Maybe. You just think too hard when things are not going your way and none of it is that big of deal. My heart has been broken a million times and I have no doubt it will be broken a million more and I am sure in the things I have said and did to the people I care about that I, too, have hurt others...but today, today it sucked and I just felt it more.


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