Fakin' it
So, I am pretty annoyed wth everything, in general. But mostly I am annoyed with talking about or writing about things I am annoyed with right now. Meaning I have to dig deep to find anything to discuss, in any sort of positive way, and since that is nearly impossible, I must fake optimism.
I used to have a saying, that I not only put into action for myself, but repeated to others.."fake it til ya make it". So, in theory, if you pretend to be happy and content, somewhere along the line, you become just that without even realizing it. One day you are no longer faking anymore and it just becomes your new thought pattern. Trouble is, that negative stuff happens, you start getting annoyed again and then you start venting about it in cyberspace for no good reason. Thus, my bad patterns reappear.
I am really hurt by a recent event and every form of "fakin it" comes up short and makes it feel like NOT the right thing to do. When someone hurts you, where do you put that and how do you move on without feeling as though you have either made them think it was okay or you make them think you are not okay by flipping out? How do you find that place were you have respected yourself without causing more turmoil at the same time? Is it even possible?
It is like the school bully who picks on you. You react, meaning you fuel the fire and continue the abuse. You can fuel it with tears, retaliation, reasoning or just something as simple as showing reaction through body langauge or facial expressions, that you try hard not to have...and yet, even no reaction is a reaction. You become the joke and they get away with the bad behavior. People try to make you feel better about it by saying things like, "They have to be miserable themselves to do such things" and still, it doesn't matter cause it doesn;'t make you feel any better that they are still causing misery for you.
You spend your time thinking of the "right way to handle it" and every road leads to another bad decision and you get too caught up in it all and are too hurt to think clearly and you just can't find your way out anymore.
In family matters, things get even more complex. So complex, that it would be hard to cover it all in just one sitting, but, trust me, VERY COMPLEX. It comes down to realizing that doing the right thing for you, is hurting all the innocent people, also indirectly involved, and that feels as bad as not doing anything at all. You move between the rock and the hard place until you see there is no where else to go. Being a fairly loving and unselfish soul, is not the best combo for making it in this world.
Maybe the hardest part of that is that while you sit trying to figure out how to do everything and make it somehow in the best interest of everyone, you know that they are not worrying about you and your feelings one tiny bit. Not only are they not worried, they have already turned it around in their own mind to make it all your fault anyway, making it easy for them to feel better about it, even forget about it. They lose what they did behind what they feel you have done back.
You start to doubt yourself, your kind nature starts to work on your conscience and you end up apoligizing for taking it up the ass. Now you resent them and yourself.
So, this time you are determined it will be different, even though you are already in stage 4 of the 6 part pattern and you are knee deep in your own inability to change it AGAIN!!
Ugh, I might as well just call right now and take the blame for something bad being done to ME! Or will this be the time that I finally realize the only way to change the situation is to give on the dream that I will ever really matter to them? How many times does someone have to show you that you don't have any importance until you get it and accept that your hopes to have that importance are just not going to happen? Thrirty-nine and counting??? Can someone please buy me a clue??
The harsh truth that you help them hide for so many years is just not worth it anymore and why are you protecting them anyway? I have been asking myself that all night and yet, the pit of my brainwashed, pudgy belly says "don't rock the boat"'. God, they are good!
So, I know the answer, is what it comes down to, but have just not wanted to accpet that answer because it is maybe the biggest challenge of all. It is the one aspect that I have faked for so long that it is time to realize that I am not "makin it" and it is time to do the unthinkable in my own head. Get real and stop living for a dream that is never going to come true. Forgive myself and everyone else and just move the hell on, already.
If the answer is that easy, why is my heart breaking over the phone call and apology that is never going to come?
I used to have a saying, that I not only put into action for myself, but repeated to others.."fake it til ya make it". So, in theory, if you pretend to be happy and content, somewhere along the line, you become just that without even realizing it. One day you are no longer faking anymore and it just becomes your new thought pattern. Trouble is, that negative stuff happens, you start getting annoyed again and then you start venting about it in cyberspace for no good reason. Thus, my bad patterns reappear.
I am really hurt by a recent event and every form of "fakin it" comes up short and makes it feel like NOT the right thing to do. When someone hurts you, where do you put that and how do you move on without feeling as though you have either made them think it was okay or you make them think you are not okay by flipping out? How do you find that place were you have respected yourself without causing more turmoil at the same time? Is it even possible?
It is like the school bully who picks on you. You react, meaning you fuel the fire and continue the abuse. You can fuel it with tears, retaliation, reasoning or just something as simple as showing reaction through body langauge or facial expressions, that you try hard not to have...and yet, even no reaction is a reaction. You become the joke and they get away with the bad behavior. People try to make you feel better about it by saying things like, "They have to be miserable themselves to do such things" and still, it doesn't matter cause it doesn;'t make you feel any better that they are still causing misery for you.
You spend your time thinking of the "right way to handle it" and every road leads to another bad decision and you get too caught up in it all and are too hurt to think clearly and you just can't find your way out anymore.
In family matters, things get even more complex. So complex, that it would be hard to cover it all in just one sitting, but, trust me, VERY COMPLEX. It comes down to realizing that doing the right thing for you, is hurting all the innocent people, also indirectly involved, and that feels as bad as not doing anything at all. You move between the rock and the hard place until you see there is no where else to go. Being a fairly loving and unselfish soul, is not the best combo for making it in this world.
Maybe the hardest part of that is that while you sit trying to figure out how to do everything and make it somehow in the best interest of everyone, you know that they are not worrying about you and your feelings one tiny bit. Not only are they not worried, they have already turned it around in their own mind to make it all your fault anyway, making it easy for them to feel better about it, even forget about it. They lose what they did behind what they feel you have done back.
You start to doubt yourself, your kind nature starts to work on your conscience and you end up apoligizing for taking it up the ass. Now you resent them and yourself.
So, this time you are determined it will be different, even though you are already in stage 4 of the 6 part pattern and you are knee deep in your own inability to change it AGAIN!!
Ugh, I might as well just call right now and take the blame for something bad being done to ME! Or will this be the time that I finally realize the only way to change the situation is to give on the dream that I will ever really matter to them? How many times does someone have to show you that you don't have any importance until you get it and accept that your hopes to have that importance are just not going to happen? Thrirty-nine and counting??? Can someone please buy me a clue??
The harsh truth that you help them hide for so many years is just not worth it anymore and why are you protecting them anyway? I have been asking myself that all night and yet, the pit of my brainwashed, pudgy belly says "don't rock the boat"'. God, they are good!
So, I know the answer, is what it comes down to, but have just not wanted to accpet that answer because it is maybe the biggest challenge of all. It is the one aspect that I have faked for so long that it is time to realize that I am not "makin it" and it is time to do the unthinkable in my own head. Get real and stop living for a dream that is never going to come true. Forgive myself and everyone else and just move the hell on, already.
If the answer is that easy, why is my heart breaking over the phone call and apology that is never going to come?
posted by Sunny at Monday, August 07, 2006
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