From Kelly To Justin

The title means nothing, it just popped in my head for absolutely no reason. Well, maybe there was a reason, but it is something deep and weird and maybe I heard a song or something, who knows???

Anyhow.....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This so much describes my life lately. So many things that go wrong, but so many opportunities to learn something useful. Even on a day when everything falls apart, I can laugh, smile when I think about someone, feel good about something else, and just cope and try to rise above it all. Sometimes you have to just to survive it all and I thank God that, on most days, I have that ability. A true gift.

I decided to make some changes in my life or at least work really hard in trying to accomplish that and then I got some troubling news that could possibiliy be a really bad thing. The important word there is "possibily" because it could maybe be nothing at all. I tend to struggle with those "what ifs" a lot, but recently I'm just tired of taking every situation and driving it to the worst possible outcome. Some gifts are just as much a curse. Take creativity, it can write a wonderful story or it can take your mind to places that no mind should have to go.

I started reading a book about self-confidence because I would definitely like to get me some of that. My life was the recipe, word for word, about how it was unintentionally stirred just right to leave in a place to have very little of it at all. I can act like I have it and I can really stand by what I believe in so maybe mine is more self-defeating and personal. It isn't always visible to the naked eye, but it is more a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy that lives in every cell of my body screaming, "You could have done better or more. Not good enough!!"

I watched for it in other people. If they didn't answer a call, looked away in distraction while I was speaking, didn't seem that excited to see me, or anything that indicated I was not important enough...I used that to add to those feelings. I took it all on myself. I had proof, right?

All of a sudden something took its place. Tiredness, pure exhaustion even, was all I felt. I was just so tired of me. Somewhere in that you realize that it isn't anyone else, its you and how you feel about yourself. There is something very good about that because its all in your hands to try and change. Its not too late because you finally have an answer and some hope.

In that moment I realized that I had little control over people in my life. Some leave it before you are ready and some stay too long, but it was okay. Everything was okay. I could handle it. I saw the possibilities of new connections and even returning to some left in the past. It made me really understand the person I want to be with no apoligies to anyone else that wanted something different because they are already gone anyway.

I haven't gotten to the "how to fix it" part of the book yet, as the "why you are like this" seems to go on and on, but I already feel half way there.