Friday, December 25, 2009

I Wish...

Its 1:16 am on Christmas Eve and Cassie is not here. I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Maybe its not the best place to vent, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for her and she doesn't want that help or maybe can't even take it. I wish I knew that......which it is.

I have been told she has a handful of disorders and that she has little control over what she does to us and what she puts us through, and while part of me believes that, another part of me isn't entirely convinced. I may never know and may forever be tortured by the question.

I wish I knew how to reach her and tell her how much she has broken my heart, so often in fact and so deeply, that I am surprised it still works at all. Its devastating to watch someone you love and wanted more than anything be this person that is so cold to you. It really gives a whole new perspective on the "be careful what you wish for" thing.

I wanted a daughter and I always thought I would be so good with her. I didn't expect perfection and being a girl is hard. I could relate and understand and be such a compassionate listener when someone hurt her feelings or she had her first crush or that same person rejected her or made her feel insignificant or hurt. She would be my shopping buddy and I would love her unconditionally, supporting her through all of life's crazy twists and turns. She would someday have my grandchild and ask for my help with issues, unlike a son having your grandchildren and you have to walk on eggshells around the daughter-in-law because there is some weird territorial thing for "her" kids most of the time. I know this because I watched it in others and got to experience it firsthand and I could even help her with the mother-in-law feelings.

Never, in your wildest castrophizing, could you imagine what the truth would be and how it would change your life and you forever. Sometimes I feel like I was put into this world and while it had its challenges, there was good too and that always made you feel hopeful. Then you get dragged into a warzone and see such horrific things that you are changed and no amount of good can ever take back what you've seen. You know the depths of sadness and it is something that you carry with you and nothing ever looks or feels quite the same postwar. It can't, you have just seen too much.

Of all the things she has done, I still sit here being shocked again. You think it would get easier with each hurtful act, but it doesn't work that way. It is quite the opposite. The hurt just multiplies and for every little thing you think is the absolute worst, you are shown you haven't even scratched the surface. You live in panic for the next bomb to drop, never quite sure when or where that will be.

This one is on Christmas, a holiday I always approached with a child-like excitement. I love it, even in all the stress and complaining I do, and to me it represents so much of the good. Of all the times to walk out and be MIA, it is on Christmas. There are no words. It might not seem so bad compared to other battles we have faced with her, but something about how she knows how I am with it...its like a whole new declaration of war, an unexpected attack.

I wish I knew how to fix her, how to get inside her head and find out what the right thing to say would be, the right thing to do, or anything that would be right at all. I wish I knew how to fix me now or how to simply carry on in any way that vaguely resembles feeling normal again.

I wish I knew where she was right now. I wish she knew how much.


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