Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Wake Me When its Over.

This has been one of the most exhausting few weeks of my life. I move from painting project, to clutter eliminating jobs, to cleaning up after the ten different things being done to my house at the moment. I have never cleaned so much to be left with such a disaster. Dust from the kitchen work forms a thick layer on everything I own. Silly me, I keep trying to clean it up every night and the workers show up every morning to make all the mess appear again.

I have neglected all the regular things that should be getting done, such as laundry, grocery shopping and the general upkeep required with four kids. My daily wardrobe is even older sweats, because they are the only things left clean. I also have a new rule on towels since I realized today that the linen closet was bare....don't let the fact that they are in the dirty laundry pile fool you, if they don't smell horrible, they are still usable! Reminds me of the ol' college rule. When something is dirty long enough, its clean again. Also, chips and dip are a perfectly healthy dinner and sugar wafers make a lovely appetitzer.

The thought that keeps up at night is that the brunt of the work has not even happened yet. After I finish this place, I will need to begin on the other house. Every inch needs a coat of paint, carpet needs installed, a room needs drywalled, and a crap load of other jobs that I fear I will not have the energy to even consider after this place kills me. I keep praying the house will sell in the first five minutes so that I can hire people to paint and do all the work that my tired body is dreading.

I have a lot of mixed feelings. I wanted nothing more than to make this move for all the benefits it holds for me, and yet, I am starting to have some unresolved feelings for this place. Whether you love it, hate it or have an indifference to a place you have lived for almost nine years, at some point it still feels like home. And with all the stress I have been under lately, losing home seems like too much to lose, too much to deal with and too heartbreaking all at the same time. I will truly miss this place with strong intensity, nothing has surprised me more.

I feel very alone right now, mostly because my thoughts overwhelm me. It is the change of scenery without changing really anything else that troubles me. It will help with the financial issues, but there are so many more issues that move along with me. They say change encourages change, so that is something to ponder I guess. I just have to keep the faith that I am exactly where I am meant to me and make the best of it for now.

And yet, I cannot get this sinking feeling to go away. I always seem to look ahead with fear, never being sure I can cope with the things I wish to leave behind. Maybe this is the first step and it will get easier. I can always hope!


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