Saturday, December 26, 2009

All Cleaned Up, Almost.

Never have I wanted to take the Christmas stuff down more. I usually wait until after New Year's Day and I probably will again this year, but I want order back for some reason. Since I felt it would be wrong to deChristmatize so early, I worked on Brooke's room instead. I went through everything and got rid of anything she gave me permission to get rid of and I organized all her things, old and new. It may only last a day or two, but it made me feel better. I even ran to the store for socks because all of the unmatching ones disturbed me so greatly that I had to throw them awaY and replace them with new matching socks. I bought 16 pair. I also bought new undies for her too, just because they were cute.

I want to start on my room now because it is the catch all. Everything that doesn't have a home and several random tv's are just sitting in there. Yes, tv's. Every time someone gets a new flatscreen, they put the old dinosaur tv in my room. There are four in there now and one big one in the laundry room. Counting the other tv's in the house, we now have eleven. Its ridiculous and embarrassing. Tv's must go. Plus, I need that closet space back.

I'm tired of walking by the kitchen and eating cookies too. Cookies must go.

Brooke is so entertained with her movies, it has been such a nice, quiet day. I am trying to get all her laundry finished and then I will start on everyone else's. Its all excitement around here, all the time.

I'm thinking about cleaning myself up too and going out for a few hours. Then, I think about it and don't really wanna go. I think I will go just for that reason. This year I want to clean up a lot of things in my life. Somewhere along the line I have gotten so routine and overwhelmed at the same time. The overwhelm comes partly from the nothing new of it all. I need to try and do things I don't do anymore. Going out and seeing some old friends would probably be a good start.

Maybe I will go.....

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

Well, I got an hour of sleep last night. Brooke woke up at 4am, but I managed to get her to lay down with me til almost 7am, that is when we heard Cassie banging on the door. I never went back to sleep, but after all the food was prepared and we ate at 230, I, foggy and dazed, found my way to the bedroom, got under the covers and the next thing I remember I was waking up at about 530 in the evening. There was company and lots of noise. I snuck down the hall, brushed my teeth, and came out all cranky. The company did not stay long. I felt bad.

Even in all the insanity of my holiday, it was still nice. My parents came over for a bit and the food turned out delicious. It was nice just being home. We played lots of game and set up lots of toys and Brooke seemed thrilled with everything. Ryan, Brooke and I watched a movie in his room and Travis was almost pleasant. Cassie, well, she was Cassie and left again.

I'm already planning tomorrow and how I have to clear this place. The after Christmas mess can be so overwhelming, but maybe its meant to be that way because it makes me feel all "I gotta get this place organized!!" and that is definitely a good thing. I hope I still feel that way when I wake up!

I had a few glasses of wine and feel nice and relaxed, and ready for a good sleep. Nite....

I Wish...

Its 1:16 am on Christmas Eve and Cassie is not here. I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Maybe its not the best place to vent, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for her and she doesn't want that help or maybe can't even take it. I wish I knew that......which it is.

I have been told she has a handful of disorders and that she has little control over what she does to us and what she puts us through, and while part of me believes that, another part of me isn't entirely convinced. I may never know and may forever be tortured by the question.

I wish I knew how to reach her and tell her how much she has broken my heart, so often in fact and so deeply, that I am surprised it still works at all. Its devastating to watch someone you love and wanted more than anything be this person that is so cold to you. It really gives a whole new perspective on the "be careful what you wish for" thing.

I wanted a daughter and I always thought I would be so good with her. I didn't expect perfection and being a girl is hard. I could relate and understand and be such a compassionate listener when someone hurt her feelings or she had her first crush or that same person rejected her or made her feel insignificant or hurt. She would be my shopping buddy and I would love her unconditionally, supporting her through all of life's crazy twists and turns. She would someday have my grandchild and ask for my help with issues, unlike a son having your grandchildren and you have to walk on eggshells around the daughter-in-law because there is some weird territorial thing for "her" kids most of the time. I know this because I watched it in others and got to experience it firsthand and I could even help her with the mother-in-law feelings.

Never, in your wildest castrophizing, could you imagine what the truth would be and how it would change your life and you forever. Sometimes I feel like I was put into this world and while it had its challenges, there was good too and that always made you feel hopeful. Then you get dragged into a warzone and see such horrific things that you are changed and no amount of good can ever take back what you've seen. You know the depths of sadness and it is something that you carry with you and nothing ever looks or feels quite the same postwar. It can't, you have just seen too much.

Of all the things she has done, I still sit here being shocked again. You think it would get easier with each hurtful act, but it doesn't work that way. It is quite the opposite. The hurt just multiplies and for every little thing you think is the absolute worst, you are shown you haven't even scratched the surface. You live in panic for the next bomb to drop, never quite sure when or where that will be.

This one is on Christmas, a holiday I always approached with a child-like excitement. I love it, even in all the stress and complaining I do, and to me it represents so much of the good. Of all the times to walk out and be MIA, it is on Christmas. There are no words. It might not seem so bad compared to other battles we have faced with her, but something about how she knows how I am with it...its like a whole new declaration of war, an unexpected attack.

I wish I knew how to fix her, how to get inside her head and find out what the right thing to say would be, the right thing to do, or anything that would be right at all. I wish I knew how to fix me now or how to simply carry on in any way that vaguely resembles feeling normal again.

I wish I knew where she was right now. I wish she knew how much.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

From Kelly To Justin

The title means nothing, it just popped in my head for absolutely no reason. Well, maybe there was a reason, but it is something deep and weird and maybe I heard a song or something, who knows???


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This so much describes my life lately. So many things that go wrong, but so many opportunities to learn something useful. Even on a day when everything falls apart, I can laugh, smile when I think about someone, feel good about something else, and just cope and try to rise above it all. Sometimes you have to just to survive it all and I thank God that, on most days, I have that ability. A true gift.

I decided to make some changes in my life or at least work really hard in trying to accomplish that and then I got some troubling news that could possibiliy be a really bad thing. The important word there is "possibily" because it could maybe be nothing at all. I tend to struggle with those "what ifs" a lot, but recently I'm just tired of taking every situation and driving it to the worst possible outcome. Some gifts are just as much a curse. Take creativity, it can write a wonderful story or it can take your mind to places that no mind should have to go.

I started reading a book about self-confidence because I would definitely like to get me some of that. My life was the recipe, word for word, about how it was unintentionally stirred just right to leave in a place to have very little of it at all. I can act like I have it and I can really stand by what I believe in so maybe mine is more self-defeating and personal. It isn't always visible to the naked eye, but it is more a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy that lives in every cell of my body screaming, "You could have done better or more. Not good enough!!"

I watched for it in other people. If they didn't answer a call, looked away in distraction while I was speaking, didn't seem that excited to see me, or anything that indicated I was not important enough...I used that to add to those feelings. I took it all on myself. I had proof, right?

All of a sudden something took its place. Tiredness, pure exhaustion even, was all I felt. I was just so tired of me. Somewhere in that you realize that it isn't anyone else, its you and how you feel about yourself. There is something very good about that because its all in your hands to try and change. Its not too late because you finally have an answer and some hope.

In that moment I realized that I had little control over people in my life. Some leave it before you are ready and some stay too long, but it was okay. Everything was okay. I could handle it. I saw the possibilities of new connections and even returning to some left in the past. It made me really understand the person I want to be with no apoligies to anyone else that wanted something different because they are already gone anyway.

I haven't gotten to the "how to fix it" part of the book yet, as the "why you are like this" seems to go on and on, but I already feel half way there.

Monday, December 07, 2009

I Might Have it all Figured Out, But is the Pill too BIG to Swallow?

Another Monday. It is so busy, which is good because it does go faster, I suppose. (Look at me trying to pretend to see the good side).

I always thought of myself as a fairly positive person, but the truth is...I'm not. I am always worrying about what will happen next and it never seems to fail that it is something more chaotic than before. Then you start to wonder if you set it up that way, like those books that tell you that you set it up that way.

I hate those books.

I often wonder if the world is random or totally by design to take us where we were meant to be and it is already written or known. (Imagine feather flying through the air in Forest Gump). He thought it was a little of both. I realize that bad times make you apprecitae the good times, but what if the bad times keep on coming. Will you have more good to look forward to or are some people just here to make others think, "Wow, I have it good!".

I want things to be great and to work out and flow in a positive direction, but somewhere between wanting and doing, I get all feather in a tornado. I make a plan, feel good about it and then life happens and screws up plan. Then add in hormonal fluctuations and I find in three weeks time, I am all over the map on my way to nowhere different. Even worse, I'm tired of stressing over it, over everything. I'm just plain tired.

I think too much and I want to be one of those people that don't. Is that even possible? When your mind is so conditioned to think, rethink and overthink everything and when you try and make the best of things only to find that making the best of them still leaves you in a place where it mostly sucks, how do you get out of the storm? What is left of you to even keep trying?

Its no wonder then that I feel like I am living in a dream where nothing quite looks or feels right. They say it is the mind's way of protecting itself, but if this is protection, I would rather be unprotected. In order to heal, you have to be able to feel what is real, no matter how ugly and scary that might be.

I was thinking about Friday when I called the doctor to say my back was hurting and I was having all sorts of digestive issues. They said they closed in 45 minutes and could I make it in to be checked. I thought about it and said, "I'll just wait til Monday and see if anything improves." Then Monday is here, nothing improved and I don't call cause they will want me to go there and then they will probably give me something that I can't take anyway. Does this scenerio describe my life? I mean, what did I want in calling if I wasn't going to show up? Did I just want to report the state of things and do nothing about them? Is that what I do everyday in endless vents of this is wrong and that is off? Do I just hope that everything will eventually work itself out and never take any real action to assure it? HELL YES!! (Insert Dr. Phil asking "How is that workin' out for ya??) Not good, Doc, not good at all.

I get it so much and yet I don't really get it at all. I am commited to writing all my thoughts and all my doubts and all my questionings until I do get it though. Hopefully it will help sort out my mind and find the answers I need to show up, take my pill, deal with the side effects and let it work for once.

Sunday, December 06, 2009


Since I haven't written about Brooke since she was 4-5 years old, I must say a bit about her now. She is hilarious. Everything she says and everything she does is funny to me. I always thought Ryan had a great sense of humor when he was little. He was one of those people born wise beyond his years and he had a very advanced understanding of all things, including humor. Sometimes we would be driving down the street, full car, and see something and he and I would just laugh. No one else really "got it", but the same things struck us and sent us into giggling fits. Brooke's humor is not exactly like that. It is more goofy and more of her own making. She just says things that make you laugh, not just because they are really funny, but also because they are really original and you are shocked that she even came up with that.

Cassie has this boyfriend, named Josh, that is really sensitive and dramatic. Being that Cassie is the same, it is truly a match made in hell because two overly sensitive people make for a constant stream of misunderstandings and fighting and crying and "look at it from MY standpoint" WHAH!! They were in one of their deep discussions when Brooke walks up to the phone and says, "What do you call Josh and one idiot?". Cassie pauses and looks at her as she replies, "Two idiots". I'm sure she heard it on a show, but her timimg, her faces, her delivery is so unexpected and so funny that even Cassie is fighting to hold back a laugh as me and Brooke giggle like crazy. He yells that he is not going to sit there while her whole family laughs at him and hangs up on her. Cassie starts to yell at us and then can't help but laugh and says, "Okay, that WAS funny".

Its stuff like this constantly with Brooke. She told Cassie she would be pretty if she didn't have all those brown spotted freckles on her face, so I asked if she thought I looked okay. She turned her mouth sideways, placed her finger on the side of it and really looked at me with a "thinking really hard" look and said...."ummmmmmmmmm, NO." But then she busts out laughing. Its contagious, her giggling and being a constant cut up. She would have faired so well in my family growing up because you really needed to be able to take a joke when someone was always hitting you with smack.

Most of her comedy acts are in the "you just had to be there" catagory, but she always comes up with something different to crack you up. I use so many of the things she says to respond to others because it just makes me laugh. Like her asking a question that makes you ask, "Why?" and her answer is "Because you're not shmart". Whenever someone asks me why to anything....I always want to say, and sometime do, "Because you're not shmart."

She still has her six year old moments of whining and complaining and some days it is a job dealing with her, but I can't imagine life without her. She has also started to not want me at her bus stop. She says all the kids look when we pull up and she is not a baby anymore. It seems to happen earlier and earlier, but six?? She does say, "Give me a kiss and drive away, pleaseeee". So, we are not at the "OMG, do NOT kiss me in public" stage yet. So, at least I still have that.

She asked how babies get into a mommy's belly and said, "I know like some seed from the daddy gets in there, but how does it get there???" I said, "Well, it complicated and we will discuss it more when you get older". She gets it is a sensitive subject now, but still can make something funny out of it. She will come in and randomly say, "Mom, can I have a drink?" and then put her hands on her hips, gets that "Whatchu talkin bout , Willis" look on her face and says, "How DOES that seed get there???". And then she laughs, not waiting for an answer, just skipping down the hall with her juice box.

Last night she said we should say ten things every night that we are thankful for and then proceeded to say her list that included her family, friends, warm house, snow to play in and cookies. Then she had me list mine. I could learn a lot from a six year old.....

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Lost-42 Year Old. Answers to Anything. Reward.

So, I have been gone and kinda in more ways than one. I forget myself. For so many years now, it has been constant stress and it is not the kind of stress that is in your control. It is life changing is all the bad ways. I'm stressed and anxious, causing me to feel sick in many non-specific ways. I get scared for me sometimes and wonder if I would even recognize "calm" if he showed up on my doorstep. I'm depressed and stuck. I'm forever hopeful and always working on ways to change the situation but those things beyond your control are hard to work around.

I hate the way my mood still controls the house. If I am a mess from the happenings in it, it just snowballs, because the mom is somehow the gauge for the whole feeling of the house. It is a lot of pressure and a job I don't take lightly. It is just a job I haven't been too successful at lately.

I know what has to be done and day after day it isn't happening. I need time to help myself, get out, do something different, have a few breaks here and there, have a few things fall in my favor, have a babysitter once a week to not have to go from work to more work and be out there enjoying something.....anything..just so I can remember what something that isn't a chore feels like.

I hate that I look at raising kids for 12 more years, at least, a job that seems overwhelming after already having 23 years in. I hate that I had such bad experiences that make me feel that way at all. I love Brooke, she is the funniest kid and I want her to have the same fun we all used to have when we were raising five at a time. Cassie continues to be a challenge and I hate that Brooke has to see and be a part of that too. I hate that Cassie's life is hard, because regardless what they put you through, you still wish happiness for every one of your children. I hate the isolation that troubles in your life cause. I want something better for everyone.

This starts out very depressing, but I think writing again will help. Even in chaos, good things still happen and funny moments make you forget all the issues for awhile and good friends make the road a little easier just by listening to you vent, or taking your mind off bad things entirely.

This is the venting part and hopefully the reward at the end will be finding myself within this web of stress and hard times, and learning to recognize calm again. I miss him too.