Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Graduate

Tonight Travis graduates. Tonight I will be packed into a gym/stage to watch him walk across, in his very bright purple cap and gown. It makes me sad, how significant this walk can be because it is like walking out of a carefree life that you do not even realize is carefree, until you pass through it.

There should be some better transitional stage between being young and being grown up. You are expected to start planning your future, which you thought you were planning all along, to find yourself unprepared. College is somewhat that transition, but when you are free from the constraints of all day school, your lifestyle becomes pretty expensive. Grades matter even more and picking just one area of study holds all new constraints.

I wish I could be more excited, and maybe if I had a great level of success, I might be more excited right now. I play happy and isn't it great, but I often fear they may see right through that, as I put my experience onto them...a totally different individual. While knowing that is wrong, I do dream of better things for my kids, but I can't escape the fear of the hard times and wanting so much for them never to become as familiar as I have with them.

Just for tonight, I think I will put away the fears and feel the happy. The future never disappoints in reasons to worry, so I have plenty of time for that. I will make him his favorite dessert, carrot cake with cream cheese icing, (Yeah, he is different) and I will only see the hope and promise. I need a little sugar with my hope, it makes it so much easier to swallow.

I will celebrate new beginnings, for Travis, and for me. Maybe I will even get to the bottom of why good needs help to swallow and bad goes down so easy.

To my Prince Harry, I wish you all the hope, love and good times in the world with just enough hard times to make you appreciate the really great times that we fail to recognize when it all comes to easy.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Minus Me

I did not make it to any family event this weekend and there was one every single day. Saturday was a grad party, Sunday, a birthday party and Monday, a picnic. I don't know why it is so mentally exhausting to think about going, but after it is all said and done, I am feeling a bit guilty.

Sometimes you just get a sense of what you need, what you can handle and what you need to do to maintain and it doesn't include certain situations. It is not the fault of others and it usually has everything to do with you. I just feel down about my situation and something about seeing everyone happy and financially well was too much to take this weekend. So childish, but so true. I guess that is where the guilt comes in. I don't begrudge them for having, I am just down on myself for not, maybe. It just makes me feel like a failure and I stayed away for completely selfish reasons.

At 40, I have so much growing up to do.

People will often tell me I do not do enough for myself, but I think maybe I do way too much for myself in all the wrong ways. I treat myself to nothing, rarely buy items or services and so I appear somehow deprived. I more than make up for it with my emotional neediness to have everything as I need it to be at all times.

Half the battle of any issue is recognizing it, so as bad as I come out here, I have at least started to acknowledge it. I'm tired of babying myself to prevent stress and anxiety, when all it has ever done is caused it.

Note to self: Knock that shit off.

Monday, May 28, 2007


I added video!! All by myself!! This is part of Travis's memory tape.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Been Awhile

I haven't written in so long. Just too much stuff going on and not enough time to sit and vent. That is probably a good thing.

I started my new job two weeks ago. The hours are very low now until we combine the three offices in late July. This is not helping the money situation too much, in fact, it is maybe making it worse. Uniforms, new shoes, gas money, lunch money and all the expense of working is about even to what I am making with these short days. It is like I am working to pay for working....a bad thing.

Brooke seems to be having a great time. She has been to the mall a few times, Amish country, swimming and visited numerous parks since my mom took over with babysitting duties. My parents make me feel like such a loser sometimes. At 40, I find it hard to have enough energy to spend two hours with her at the park, they can fill a 6 hour babysitting day with travel, games, fun, ice cream, long walks, counting cows in the country, and on and on. She comes home with new shoes, a bathing suit, various toys and giant lolly pops. These are not the parents I grew up with at all!!

They did like to do a lot, I will give them that, but the buying stuff.....nope, didn't happen.

Ryan is home for the summer. I know this because my house is a disaster. His shit is everywhere and, when not working, you can always find him sleeping in a room you wish to be in, but his long body is taking up most of it. He has a flagging job for a construction company and I had reports today that he was dancing on the job. I am so proud, and I am not even kidding, I love goofy people, especially if I helped create them.

Travis is getting ready to graduate next week. OMG! It doesn't seem real, four of our six will be finished with high school now, while one has yet to even start school at all.

Change of subject, it made me feel panicky to type that.

Cassie is under house arrest...literally and, oh, the joy of it all. I keep telling myself someday we sit around a table laughing at her antics, and yet I am not sure I will get through her teenage years......but I try to remain hopeful.

Going back to work is starting to make me feel like my old self in some ways. Some good and some bad. On the good side, I get to be with grown ups and be away so that I appreciate being home with the kids a little more than I did when it was 24/7. I am back to making lists of things I need to get done and I like having some purpose other than cleaning and cooking duty. On the bad side, I find that when I get home, I am really tired and never seem to accomplish all the crap on my lists.

I work tomorrow and then have four, count 'em, four days off! Well, three if you count that I work Saturday night....well two if you count that working until 3am Saturday night screws over, I have two days off!! I can work with that, I guess.

I plan on working on my lists and completing all the stuff I have been too tired to get to after work. Or I might lay around like a bump on a log. I haven't decided yet.