Free AOL Sucks

I just wanted to vent about that, cause it does truly suck. My web pages will not open, everything is slow, I lose connection and I feel like I am back on dial up. Me. Don't. Like. Free. AOL.

I ended up going as a (drum roll), WITCH!! Old habits die hard. I bought a vampire outfit, half off, but when I came home and put it on I looked more like a street walker than a vampire and I was just not going to be comfortable that exposed. Cleavage flooding out at the top, way too much thigh showing and the form-fitting black spaghetti strap dress under the cape was just a little too revealing for a mom of four. But, damn, I did look hot for a street walker! Note to self...possible career change??...... NOT.

It was an okay night. I may have remembered more if I had not been pressured into several shots. I may be glad I did not remember more because I crossed that line in drinking where all comments seem perfectly acceptable and appropriate and where doing the thriller dance behind the bar seemed okay... and forgetting most of that is probably best for me. Best for everyone.

Yesterday reminds me of why I do not get drunk anymore. The headache, lazy, do nothing, miserable hangover that follows is rarely worth it and in this case, was totally NOT worth it.

I have been thinking a lot as I will be soon approaching the (gulp) 40 year mark and I am really ready to be the person I wanted to grow up to be..the one with a great job, confidence, self-esteem, a relaxed attitude and just a healthy and happy person. I may be overshooting, but I could get a bit closer than I am right now.

Bob had a nasty, icky eye infection which means that now I have a nasty, icky eye infection and, in the future will mean, one or more children in this house will have a nasty, icky eye infection...and I resent him for bringing this into the house, especially as I sit here with my eyes itching and burning, but I appreciate his antibiotic eye drops that I have now confiscated.

I left this morning, after dropping Brooke of at school, to go work on the last few things at the house that still need finished, but it was cold in there and, instead, I walked around looking at things, feeling totally unmotivated and decided to come home and chill out while I could.

I think I will start working on that "new me" thing tomorrow........

Update: I just went to yahoo and saw my horoscope......


"There is a difference between being observant and being whiny. If you see something wrong and can find suggestions on improving it (or can act on your ideas and solve the problem), then you are an observant. But if all you do is point fingers and complain about things without offering any alternatives, you are just a whiner. You can see what needs to be done today, so go out and do it. You will inspire all the whiners in the world to shut up and join you in a solution"

It may ring true today, but, damn, that was harsh. Especially that "You can see what needs to be done, just go out and do it" bullshit. And is it really MY job to inspire all whiners in the WORLD?? (Two waves and a snap) I think not!

Did I just become the Queen of the Whiners?

Worthless Rambling.........

I have been working on the house everyday, between thinking about the house every minute and if it will sell or if it will sit there forever unoccupied.

The guy laying the carpet was highly interested in the house and took a tour and I was all excited til he said SOME very bad words..."LAND CONTRACT!!".

I went to the game last night where it rained and was freezing, but was all worth it when Prince and his friends joined the tailgate party and brought back some of the best memories ever. We got our asses kicked, and at halftime the party was cheering "Ryan , Ryan, Ryan!!", cause they wanted him to suit up and save the game....still the hometown hero, yet still getting screwed at W&J.

I want to make shirts for the last game for the entire family that say, "
My son was (picture of screw)'ed at W&J ". With my parents wearing one that says Grandson, Uncles and Aunts wearing one with nephew...you get the idea. I think the prospective recruits should see the real deal....donate big bucks or ride the oak.

I am getting so bitter in my almost 40's.

Tonight is the Halloween party and I have nothing to wear. As a child my mom always bought me a witch costume, cause she said I already had the ratty dark hair and junk,but as years pass and my new bitter thing emerges, I could just wear my regular clothes and go as a witch......I need something different. I may go costume hunting and if that fails, I will just go as a miserable, worn out, had enough of everything bitch from hell...a.k.a. ...myself.

The Problem with Greeting Cards

I sit at the half way mark of another non-productive day of following toddler orders and thinking a bit too much about, well, everything.

I had a dream I was pregnant last night, and though that may seem nightmarish enough, what I wake up to these days is generally worse. Trying to work out the 30 some impossible issues at one time in my life. I did get a call from my Dad highlighting each and every one and how screwed I am. Thanks, Dad!!

This leads me to another train of thought.... When you are standing in the store trying to find NOT even the perfect card for someone, but one that merely applies in some small way. They don't make cards that say, "On your birthday, Dad, I am reminded of how you always called to share the negative side of things. Thanks for always showing me how bad it could really be." or "Mom, You have always failed to watch my kids as you have been too busy watching the children of my siblings. Sorry, I will not make it to your adult celebration, I do not have a sitter. Have a wonderful Birthday!".

There are always these cards that make you feel that other people had such a wonderful experience with relatives. The spouse ones are a joke too and I have yet to see one say, "Get off your lazy ass and do something besides watch football". They could even make it sort of nice, like "Even though you never get off your lazy ass and do anything, I will continue to survive this nightmare where you seem perfectly content and I am on the verge of snapping. And I thank you for never noticing that, cause I don't really feel like talking about it anyway. Sigh, Happy Birthday!!"

Okay, yes PMS is brewing and yes, I'm a bit dramatic but it feels good right now.

So, as I do with my greeting selections, I will say "I hope your day is everything you hoped for....." , something generic like that and I will go back to thinking again. I predict I will not be much fun the next few days. Hormones, people, back off!

One FLU over the Cuckoo's Nest

Brooke is sick, has been sick since Friday night and is still sick. Sick, sick, sick. High fever and now, a stuffy, alternating runny nose thingy. She pointed at her nose this morning, crying, "Dis don't work, dis stuck.".

So, we start the cold and flu season with a bang...YAY!!

Her fever has been quite high and from much experience with kids and fevers and flus and colds and pukey-itises, I started thinking day five on a fever seems a bit long. They usually have the fever thing two days, three days tops. She will not eat at all and just spends most of the day crying in my bed, her bed, or on the couch. She will see her doctor at one this afternoon and that is good for two reasons, first, maybe they can make my angel feel better and second, maybe they can stop my sure spin into insanity from all the crying.

It has gone something like this... Day One- "Oh, sweetie, you are so hot. Mommy hold you." Day Two- "My baby still doesn't feel good, awwwwwwww, mommy hugs." Day Three-"It is okay, princess, don't cry, Mommy is here." Day Four-(Me with "in shock and worn out look). "Okay, honey, crying will only make it worse, you will be okay". Day Five-"Take your medicine and please, please, please, stop cryingggggggggg" (I run to different floor to let out long growl and recollect).

I have learned one thing about myself in all this...I am only good for about three days of someone else's illness, then I'm ready for several shots of tequila, a nanny and possibly a long rest at a lovely mental hospital.

To make matters worse, Travis was all cranky and no one can ever do enough for him and he verbalized that often , and Cassie was in major PMS mode and all her loud ranting was intensified by the crying, non-stop weeping in the background.

I would like to be fitted for my new straight jacket now. Do you have anything in blue? It brings out my eyes.

Testing...Testing... 1, 2, 3 year old.

Parts of having a three year old I remember. Other parts I have forgotten or locked away in the depths of my mind for protection from the horror of it. It is starting to come back to me, that realization that daycare sounds like a nice break, a fabulous concept, a mental health necessity....just a BRILLIANT idea!!

My darling, princess is driving me NUTS!! She follows me everywhere, wants to do everything I am doing, has fits when she can't, has fits for no reason, cries about anything just slightly off what she had in mind and is starting that "testing" phase BIG TIME.

"Brooke, put the knife down.".

"NOOOOOO!".

Hmmmmmm.

Then follows the battle of wits between a grown woman and a 3 year old. You can almost hear the western music and see the wind blowing the dry dust around us as we are staring at one another, guns drawn in a face off of who is going to outlast the other. Will Brooke finally obey before mom runs out of the energy it takes to be consistant and mean what she says.

She begins by raising the volume, I respond by being more assertive with my "put it down". Then she pulls the emotional blackmail. "Don't be mean at me!". But it doesn't stop there. Even at three they learn to pull the "You don't love me anymore". Mom is starting to feel her heart well up with "Yes, I do, sweetie, here take the knife and look, there is a drawer full of more knives! I do love you. Have them all if it the only way I can not scar you from believing I do not love you, my precious baby!!"!!". But no!! Shake it off, you can stand strong here. And so the battle takes awhile and most of your much needed enregy and you prevail in the end.

Then, when things calm down, you hold them close, stroke their hair, tell them wonderful things about how great they are and how much you love them, buy them a sucker, read a book, play a game, anything, because even though you got that knife out of her hands.... you're still trying to pull the knife out of your own heart. The one that said, "You don't love me anymore".

House of Blues

I have been kind of working at the house and kind of avoiding it, because it seems really cruel that I had to clean it, paint it, shampoo the carpets, etc just seven short months ago. Also, at that time, I was cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the house we were moving into cause, damn, it needed a good cleaning and painting and updating.

Yet, here I am, having to deal with this house again, a house with, what seems like 7 years worth of filth and stink. The doggie odors are ever present but still fading slightly as I try different products. Right now I have odor absorbing crystals all over the basement floor. I keep imagining that I will walk downstairs and the small crystals will be as big as golf balls with all that stench.

The painting is close to be finished and then we will move on to fixing little issues here and there and hopefully, (I say this as though it could actually happen) it will sell and I will finally be out from under this house of horrors. I , so, sooooooooooo, need something good to happen, cause otherwise, I may start really believing it never does where I am concerned.

I never heard anything about the job I tested for a week or so ago and I sort of get the feeling when I hear it will be a nice little rejection letter in the mailbox.

This is my new approach. I usually think with possibility, as though it could happen. I am always wrong. Maybe if I think the house will never sell and the job is not mine that I will be wrong again. Highly doubtful, but worth a try.

Tonight is the homecoming game and Kelly is on the court, so I will be spending most of my weekend taking pictures. It will start at the high school tonight and end sometime tomorrow night as they drive off to dinner. Ryan also plays at 2pm in Washington, or should I say "not plays", so I will probably have to skip that game because shooting photos of Travis and Kelly would be so much better for me than shooting coaches. Well, at least in the long run.

Relationships

Travis and Kelly will celebrate their three year anniversary on Monday. It all started with a homecoming date and has grown into a three year relationship, that baffles me on a daily basis.

They like each other still and they never seem to fight or go through the drama of relationships I remember when I was 15-18 years old. They trust one another, do things together, do things with their friends and everything is in beautiful balence.

I don't get it.

By the three year mark, should there not be those little things that annoy you so bad you want to stick needles in your own eye? Shouldn't they be comfortable enough with each other by now to take out all anger and bad moods on one another even when the other has nothing to do with it? Should they not be blaming each other for junk going wrong in their own life by now. The maturity of it all is just too much for me...can this possibly be a way of life in the real world? Could something like this last????

Now, Cassie and Skylar, this is a relationship that I get. Though it is a best friend thing and not a couple thing, they do the things I better understand. They stick up for one another with fierce loyalty, yet they come down on one another harder than anyone else. They get mad at one another and lash out with mean words and will stop speaking briefly, but come back closer than ever when it is all said and done. They share everything and then occasionally throw those things right back into the face of the confessor.

Their freindship started when Cassie was maybe four years old, that makes ten years and many marriages don't last that long. This is the friend she talked to about every phase of growing up from dreaming of being a singer at eight years old to dreaming of being married someday to her latest crush. This is the person she has laughed with and cried with, and all emotions inbetween they have always shared.

I guess when it comes to relationships, you seek out what works for you or sometimes the exact opposite of that. If you are a fighter, you find another fighter. If you are emotional, you either find someone emotional or someone that can comfort you when you become TOO emotional.

Travis and Kelly are just people that take life for what it is, are responsible and practical, don't need to find drama and over excitement to make it through the day, and enjoy one another without looking for what is missing.

Cassie and Skylar are people that live for the drama, the emotion and the chaos of life. They can create it from nothing and commonly do. They need to ride a wave to feel alive, they crave the confusion, need the distraction, and feel restless when things are a bit too quiet.

I fall somewhere inbetween. I am naturally like Cas and Sky, but I strive to be more like Travis and Kelly. I want that smooth sailing, but not so smooth that you can't catch a wave every so often just to jazz things up a bit.

The Shit House

Land Contratee has officially moved out and was generous enough to leave behind some stuff for us. Stuff, meaning piles of dog shit in the basement. The smell coming up through the house, from the basement, is ...WOW, I can't find the words to explain how completely nasty and overwhelming the smell is and how you have to pull your shirt up over your nose to stay inside for more than 30 seconds.

We have bleached the basement about four times now and the smell has changed from unbearable to highly stinky, but we are making progress. Getting the giant stock pile in the corner out is helping, since "we" missed that the first time around. ("We" as in Bob did the initial cleaning and swore it was very thorough...yeah, uh huh, okay.....) Naturely, I had to take over. What else is new?

It has been a busy few weeks of birthday parties, working, testing for the job I applied for, interviews, cleaning up doggie do do, shampooing carpets, dealing with Brooke's unwillingness to go to school cause she is still traumatized, ordering the tux and flowers for homecoming, fixing Travis's car, trying to find time to get to the other house to get it ready to be put on the market, darts, dodging collection calls, missing Ryan, and on and on. I am in need of a vacation and a good two hours in pogo spades, but have yet to find a way to do either.

I should be at the house painting or doing something constructive, but I imagine we will lay around watching football until we have to go to a friend's anniversary party and then off to work til 3am. Yippee! I got in some practice last night when Rod came for a visit and we drank some beer and chatted til 330am. So, time for phase one, football...Brooke is ready to go!!

Brookie Monster Strikes Again

Hell, I mean, Circus Day.

It seemed all good, the circus day, that later made Brooke NEVER want to return to school again, but there was some proof already that the day was not so fun after all..............

She looked happy enough when she was hugging Daddy good-bye, but look at her cautious stance while looking at the other kids. SHE WAS TRAUMATIZED!!!!

Upon returning home, she wanted some play clothes on and she was ready to not be dressed up anymore. I believe she was still thinking about being TRAUMATIZED here....

But then I was getting a hint, after acting a fool to try and make her laugh, of a smile just dying to break free.

Yup, a little bit of candy, rolling in the grass and just acting silly can make all the bad stuff go away.

It always works for me.............