Friday, June 30, 2006

Still Bored...

I am in this mental thinking thing that people with issues do to create more issues.

I did go for a walk yesterday all around and about my new neighborhood, after thinking led me to recognize that I have lived here since the end of March and never completed a detailed critique of every siding or paint choice, lawn and landscaping of each and every house in a three block radius of my own. I can scratch that off my list now. Also, I spent an hour and a half cleaning off my front steps incase anyone else was planning on taking the critics walk.

My mom took Brooke to the zoo. Brooke came home covered in ketchup and chatted on endlessly about the choo choo train, big slide, feeding ducks and eating at Wendy's, with extra ketchup. She was too adorable and I listened til about 1130pm when I was all, "Yeah, great, choo choo train, go to bed now".

Bob is on vacation today and all of next week and is already stressing me out, cleaning out ashtrays, picking up minute little specks of lint on the floor and being all up in my space. This is his vacation routine, spazzoid motion all morning, nap all afternoon and more relaxing in the evening....cause he is so worn out from ashtray cleaning and lint hunting. He just sprayed febreeze in this room.

God, help me!

Monday, June 26, 2006


Yes, it has set in. Big Time. Cassie has been gone for two days and, as much as I hate to admit it, I am quite lost with all this extra time I have not fighting with her, telling her to get off the computer, making her change her clothes, clean her room and all the other things including Cassie that take up several hours a day. It is so quiet and calm here when Brooke is not whining and screaming demands at me. Which today has only been about fifteen minutes per hour. The other forty-five minutes per hour have been the hardest to handle.

I got a shower, spent lots of the time in the kitchen preparing chicken and ribs to cook for dinner, striaghtened up the house, played the guitar, played games online, waited to hear when the phones might be forwarded and just wasting time in general. It is now 130pm and no call has come on the forward front, so it is one of those famous "surprise days off!", meaning no one tells me til it is too late to actually plan something and leave and he never will commit to it being a day off, cause then he would be unable to change his mind and I would not be sitting here on call.

It is gloomy again today which is either matching my mood or causing it, I'm not quite sure. I feel very blah and I wish I had something more exciting to do, but in being blah, I don''t have the energy to think of something to do and then actually go do it.

Nothing good is on TV in the evening, of course til Big Brother starts in a few weeks, and I am beyond sick of Sponge Bob and the stupid girl video. These are the two things Brooke permits to be on during the day. She did cry for "sun baby" and left me clueless til she produced a video cover of Teletubbies with that little baby in the sun and those frightening teletubbies too. Cassie was too old for this show and after seeing it once for about 30 seconds, I was so freaked out, I was glad I did not have a young child. Of course, now I do and sis sent over some old tapes and there they were!!! So, I had to sit and look at them today and they are as tall as some of the trees and scary and one got his turn to wear the skirt today and made weird noises, and rode a scooter and OMG, hold me! Why do they let people tripping on acid make programming for kids?? AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THEIR EYEBROWS??? TURN IT OFF!!!

Cassie needs to get her ass home, ASAP!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

6 months of Shopping Days Left til...............

Every Christmas we have these "in front of the stone wall" pictures that we must pose for as part of "tradition" when we go to my parent's house on Christmas Eve. The problem with group pictures is that either someone is not looking(Brooke), someone is having a bad hair day(me), someone looks like they were injected with air(Cassie), someone has a "just take the picture already, this is gay" look(Ryan), someone tries to look all tough(Bob), or someone looks like a deer in headlights(Travis).....or all of the above.

And just to further annoy Ryan, we do the picture again of all the grandkids together and arrange them all symmetrically and junk, or at least try. As you can see the girls are a little off center and Brooke should had been heald on the other hip, but all the children are placed according to size and what not and we all make them stand there as we aim 4 to 5 cameras and confuse the hell out of them.

Why am I posting Christmas pictures in June? Because Ah Joey said Christmas Eve was exactly six months away last night and it got me all thinking about it and worry about it and wondering what I would buy for the kids that just keep getting older and how the hell I will come up with the funds and where I will place the tree in the new house and if the ornaments will match the new color scheme and if I need another tree for the rec room and, and, and............I'm exhausted.
The other plus to the annual picture taking festivities is that we get an opportunity to take a picture of Ryan that DOESN'T look like this.....

Saturday, June 24, 2006


Not only do I feel like a downer, I could probably use a few. Writing that post yesterday just came naturally. I sat and wrote and I am never quite sure where it will be going. The problem in the whole thing is that "came naturally" part, because I spend half my life censoring that.

Kelly called on the phone and I was beside myself about it all. First, what if someone read it and then thought something was totally wrong with me? I spend so much time looking and acting "okay'. It is not that I am NOT "okay", but "okay" is relative to other people's interpretations.

Being okay at a school function is being pleasant and friendly to other moms whether you think they are whacked, ass kissers or someone trying to make sure their kid is just a bit higher up than anyone else's. Being okay in public is not having outbursts when some crazy bitch runs into the back of your foot at the grocery store. Being okay with your in-laws is not telling them how bad they f'ed up your spouse. Being okay at home includes talking about the other moms, venting about crazy bitches and telling your spouse how f'ed up they are and just saying and doing what you want without physically injuring others. That last part takes massive restrait at times.

So, you have this "okay" meter with all the people in your life and you work hard to stay within it. Then you go and write a post about your deepest, darkest feelings about yourself and then you feel you have gone beyond what they might consider "okay" for you. Then you write a follow-up, meaningless post trying to explain why you are so bothered by exposing yourself. Then you wonder if you went outside the meter again. Then you wonder why, after obsessing, worrying, and stressing out about stupid shit, that you literally feel like shit.

Then you get it. You see the patterns and it can be helpful. Exhausting, maybe. But, still, helpful.

Exposing yourself might actually not be such a bad thing. Maybe if we all did a bit more of that,people might not feel so weird about certain aspects of their "hidden" files. Maybe I should post a close up photo of my dreaded stretch marks and just put it all out there for everyone!!

Yeah...... Let's not get carried away.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Shit Runs Deep

First, Blogger is on my last nerve. I could not sign on for awhile. I am on my period and blogger can suck my ass.

I have a backache and a headache and need to vent. By venting, I mean repeating stories of my past which will serve no real purpose but to get me more pissed off. But, hey, hell, sometimes there is nothing left to do but be pissed off.

I was reading a book by Dr. Phil and it had to do with his "defining moments" that changed who you are. You list them and then pick your top ten, so as to understand how you became you, or some shit like that. What you then do with that information, I haven't a clue because I haven't gotten that far yet. But anyway, most of mine told me I was least important in any and all pecking orders. I tried to remember the first time I realized it, because maybe that could be important, but I just can't, I just always knew.

An early one I remember was when I was maybe 14ish. My sister was riding my ass all day, calling me names, insulting everything I did, laughing at me, taunting me and occasionally throwing items at me.....I liked to call that "everyday" back then. I always sort of looked up to her and wanted her to like me, but this day was different. It was like a light bulb went off and I was completely aware of what a crappy person she really was towards me. I had enough, more than enough, even.

When she would start on me, my mom never came to my defense. Sometimes she would even tell me why it was my fault and that some of the things my sister was saying were actually true. Like when she called me a fat pig, my mom would explain that if it bothered me so much, maybe I should lose the extra ten pounds I was carrying because she said that being that I was tall and broad, that my frame could easy become quite unsightly and that if I became disgusting and large, no one would ever want me.

One day I wore one of my sister's shirts to school which was a big no-no, because my mom explained to me that I don't know how to take care of anything and I was a slob. That was also her reason for getting me bargain basement clothes and sis top of the line stuff. Sure, one pair of her pants cost as much as all the clothes I got for Christmas, but SHE was not a slob and I was. When I got home and sis saw me in the shirt, she proceeded to break each and every ceramic and glass frog in my collect, that sat on top of my dresser. I was devastated, but according to my mom, I got exactly what I deserved. I'll never forget the look on my sis's face when she "won" and was not even told that what she did was wrong. It was this "you can never win, fool" look that we both totally understood.

Back to that day when I was fed up with the abuse. We came in to help set the table and she started calling me names and I just blew. I told her that her ass was flat, she was a very ugly person and that I really hated her. The room went dead silent. My mom stood at the sink with her mouth dropped open in total shock. Then the most extreme look of anger came over her face, one I have never seen since. She went completely apeshit on me. Who the hell did I think I was and I could not talk to my sis that way. I started to protest that she does, to me, all the time, but I was hushed quickly and told to go to my room because the sight of me was making her sick and that the only reason she was not going to beat me was because if she started, she feared she would not be able to stop.

That day something changed in me forever. I knew that I did not really matter and that my 14 years of pleasing was not going to get me any further in the situation. Whether that was a true fact or not, it was to me. I soon started to rebel by talking back and taking on a teenage attitude from hell. Maybe I did it to fight back or maybe I did it to have some evil behavior to justify my treatment, because it was all too painful. I'm not really sure which.

As I got a bit older and had Ryan, I wanted to be pleasing again. I wanted to make my parents proud of me and it started the cycle that I still find myself buried in today. I please, I get rejected, I rebel-I get rejected, I go away and get ignored. I blame myself. They blame me. Come back and the cycle repeats. To them, I am always at fault. I deserve what I get, just as I always have. And all those painful incidents in the past, they never happened and if someone said something bad to me, I surely was the cause of it. I understand that, how do you remember a day that was quite normal for you??? They were not having the same day as me.

A few years ago, as the treatment has never really changed, I went through a very low time. I decided to explain how it hurt me and how I just really needed to matter, be told that because I was feeling so horrid. I just needed the tiniest little pep talk and some show of support and acceptance. I called my mom to try and have a talk. Instead I got huffs of disgust and more insults and more intolerance. Later, I got a call from sis telling me I needed serious help if I was expecting some sort of apology for things in the past and if I was in bad place, it was because I put myself there.

I hung up wondering if she was right. More self-doubt, more hurt and more pain. I knew I did not want to be this person that wanted to bring up the past, but the past kept repeating and any way I tried to fend it off, I was still the asshole.

No matter how far removed I place myself from the situation, I still come out feeling "never good enough" and if your mother does not completely adore you, who really will? Even when love and acceptance comes my way through others, I never trust it. I always think at some point they are going to see that "thing" that makes my family shy away from me, even if I have no idea what that "thing" actually is or if it really exists. I can't show affection to others and I have serious trust issues. So serious, that I do not even trust myself.

I have self-defeating emotions because I hate the world I was shown and I hate myself, at times, for not really being about to rise above it all. I know better, but it doesn't make the bad stuff inside go away. The fear, the distrust, the sadness and the feeling of being totally lost at times is always with me. No one can turn that around but me and as I felt like a failure, I have proven it, utlimately, by failing myself. Now that is a defining moment for ya!!

My friend and I were talking about the two lives we live, the outside one and the inside one and maybe my inside life may be surprising to people or maybe not, but we all have that little part within us that we rarely let out.

Dr Phil, a.k.a my god of reason, says two things that hit home with me. 1. What you fear, you create and 2. you cannot fix what you do not acknowledge. Consider me acknowledging.

Just for the record, my sis turned out to be a really good mom and has a good life. I am not harboring anger for her as you might expect. I think it would be hard for her to understand the way I feel, as we lived very different lives. It is not anger that I have towards anyone, it is still the same way it was way back then, just me waiting for someone to tell me I am lovable and deserving, but at the same realizing that it doesn't mean shit. And trying, somehow, to find a rational way to my own peace, in a pain that is anything but rational.

So, what I know today is that the things I think I have gotten over, I haven't. Until, I do they will keep bubbling to the surface. My family's love and acceptance will never fix it. The only thing that will ever fix it is my own, for myself. If I wasn't buying it, no one could sell it to me and make me hurt over it from years past to present day. Maybe it wasn't my fault that the seed was planted, but it is my fault if I harvest it for a lifetime.

Now, if I could just find a way to get my hands on some emotional weed killer!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Big Brother is Back!!!

They had the show today with the 20 former house guests. The show was lacking any real excitement, but I can't wait til July 6th when the obsession, that becomes my life, starts again. What will make it even more fun this year is that I have fellow obsessies to watch it with, discuss it with and we can all use it as a reason to get together on Saturdays and possibly have a beer or two.

I have to admit that seeing some of those people, the ones that I could barely stomach in the past, was not so great. But I am so excited to see "my" Kaysar back, along with Janelle and Howie. Watching the old clips of "Bye, bye, bitches" and "Busto" rants got me all fired up for this season. Yes, I know, totally pathetic. Part of me wants to not even let myself get so caught up in the show, the live feeds and all the blogs about it....but I will. I might give up my need to fight with people on the live feed chats, because I am so right and they are so wrong about who they like and hey, bitch, you can't say THAT about MY KAYSAR!!! Yeah, I am definitely going to try to avoid that this time around.

Rod and Kelly came to watch with me tonight and it is my duty to vote and get back the people WE want and to make sure Evilette goes right back home to Tush. Another season of her stupid "no soul" bullshit may be too much for even me to handle. She is trying to play all, 'my alliance was ick and I have sooooo seen the light", but I don't care. Don't like her. Must go home.

Voting begins in 10 minutes. I must go powder my nose and freshen up for it all. I have a job to do people, back away.

Fam Damily

Why is it that family can hold the most painful parts of your life? Is it because we have to love them more, are too close to them or is it because they are just causing you total, freakin' misery??

If I live to 100, will I ever get over my family? I used to think I could, but maybe I am just not built that way. Maybe disapproving, insulting, unfair treatment just doesn't roll off my back like it should. In the area of both nature and nurture, I got screwed over, obviously.

If it was just that they treated me like a total idoit that deserves nothing and I was genetically well-adjusted in the area of "who gives a shit", I would have been just fine. On the flip side, if they were actually decent to me and I was lacking in coping mechanisms, maybe their support would have been helpful. Unfortunately, they press all my buttons and my "who gives a shit" gene doesn't exist in those particular family matters.

I do have quite a talent using that gene in other areas of my life, such as, my health matters, for instance, but I think that might be bad. I also call on that gene when I am tired of housework and cooking, at times.

Maybe we spend too much time confusing what we "would" do, with what others "should" do. Like if someone in my family became sick or were suffering through a difficult time in their lives, I would be supportive, non-judgemental, loving, helpful and concerned. So, in expecting those things from others and getting inter-family gossip calls that do not only NOT include me, but are about me, have them minimize it, judge it, totally not be supportive and be disgusted instead, tends to be a tough pill to swallow. Anyone that knows me gets how hard pills are for me to swallow, in the first place. Again. Screwed.

Most families, including mine, are not horrid, heartless people. I think they just get in a cycle of "roles". My role is to take the blame for everything, expect nothing and be on the outside of everything. They like it that way, they set it up that way and I do my best to comply. I am helpful like that.

The funny part is that from their eyes, they see something totally different. They feel justified to act the way they do or do the things they do because they feel that is how you deal with the entity that is "me". Maybe that is the hardest part of all, looking into the eyes of the people you were around since the day you were born and realizing that they may never "get" you and the roles that are set up run so deep that they can't step outside of them long enough to see that they have no idea who you are anymore. But even worse, totally think they do and think you have it all wrong.

If it is true what they say, that "Friends are God's way of making up for your family", then I can't complain too much. In that area, I have always been blessed.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Prince Got a Hole in His Lip......

Ryan returned from his trip Friday night. We happened to be on the front porch and I was so excited to see him. Brooke ran down to greet him and give him a big hug. His lower lip was sucked in and he had a strange look on his face.

I went up and gave him a hug as he put Brooke down and he started carrying his luggage to the door, then turned and exposed his lower had a RING THROUGH IT!! My perfect faced, handsome, wonderful son had a piercing and his lip was very swollen!!!!! I was devastated. I started a long mom lecture, number 436, about the dangers of it all, how it looked infected, how he may lose his lip..(okay, I was stretching it a bit...but he had a RING THROUGH HIS LIP!!) and the way his employer and football coaches would hate it.

Later we talked about kids today, how they pierce this and tattoo that, and how it would be so easy these days to stand out over the crowd of circus freaks. Is prejudice fair? No. Does it still exist? Hell yeah! If Ryan was up for a job and was even slightly more qualified than another applicant, but Ryan walked in with body art all over and several piercings on his face, while the other did not, the other is SOOOOOOOOOOO getting that job. Like I said, not fair...but still so true.

When I got home from hell, I mean a steakfry in 90-some degree weather, I noticed it was even more swollen. He had friends over and they were getting ready to all leave, so I figured it would not be the best time to work on talking him into taking that thing out before he had a permanent hole forever and ever. So....I waited til he woke up this morning. I told him it was looking bad, he said it hurt and within minutes it was out!! YAY!!!

He started telling me that when he would take a drink it would dribble out that hole. I mean, EWWWWWW. Why would anyone want that? It is like paying fifty bucks for an infection. But anyway, it is OUT!!! I am so happy about that, if you had any doubt.

Back to the steak fry (is that one word or two, whatever, who cares), it was very hot and since Bob was out of town for the night and Cassie was watching Brooke, and Cassie was calling with Brooke screaming in the background, and Brooke was getting on the phone begging me to "come back, see me now, and I couldn't really drink because I was driving and because it was so severely hot, I left by 1030pm and was slightly bummed that I did not get to stay out late and get the opportunity to possibly make an ass of myself.

Maybe next time.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Red Cheeks and Karma

Kelly took Brooke to the pool. I met them there later and little Brookie was well sunscreened, but since toddler cracks seem to eat swimsuits, a very delicate part of her lower butt cheeks were left unprotected. She has two little, half moon burns on the bottom of her cute, little tushy.

I watched the Brittany Spears interview and was commenting on her poor judgement and karma smacked me hard in the face. She was all "whatever, shit happens" about poor parenting decisions and "oops" that happen, while making no apologies for it, and I had to comment on it so that Brooke could have 3 or 4 "oops" in as many days.

First, earlier in the week, she was burnt on the iron. She ran into the room as I was ironing a shirt and hopped on the bed. Being the ever protective mother, I told her she had to leave the room until I was finished because her jumping about ways would surely get her injured. I grab her off bed, she lands on my feet and falls directly into burning, hot, take off several layers of skin, iron. She now has a 4-5 inch, horrible looking burn on her lower leg. Even worse, it will certainly scar and ruin her super model career.

Then, she has the red and painful sunburn and a splinter in her foot from running across the picnic table, but for extra evidence for the family services people, she fell off the picnic table too. She fell between the table and bench part and had an egg on her forehead with little scratches on it. She falls quite often and her legs look like way too ripe bananas, as well.

I know where this is headed. She will fall and cut her little arm and we will think it "might" require stitches. We will take her to the ER, where they will make note of the legs, sunburn, forehead egg, and large iron burn. They will call for an investigation....all because I said Brittany
was using bad judgement and not showing remorse for her mistakes.

So, right now, I want to go on record saying that Brittany Spears is the BEST MOM EVER!! I am sorry I ever doubted her and I am begging karma to spare me the cut arm business!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Typo's and Brooke Langauge

I was talking to my friend about surfing through ebay and seeing the dumb mistakes people make, not just typos, but total stupidity, go back to first grade, kind of mistakes. My favorite was "as need it", instead of "as needed ".

Most people that know me will question where I get the nerve to actually make fun of anyone in the typing area. I admit it, I totally suck. Not only do I hit the wrong keys at the wrong time, sometimes I type many for maybe and about for fingers work faster than my brain. My usual typos that people will recognize are "teh" and "liek", but can I help it if my "e" finger is just a tad faster than the others??

As we were discussing this very topic, Brooke runs up and informs me we must go get more "grown ups". I am confused until she tells me that Cassie ate them all. I glance over at the kitchen table and see the empty bag of donuts I bought earlier. I correct her saying we will go get more DONUTS, later, she corrects me back with "No, GROWN UPS!!!".

She calls her swimming suit a swimming "soup" and on mornings that I am not fully awake, I am sure I have made her soup when she requested she wanted her "soup". It is only now I know why she fell on the floor screaming, "NO!!!! MY SOUP!!!", as I look down at the bowl and say, "This is your soup."........


She has a cousin named Autumn and a cousin named Briona. She used to call them both Briona, until we drilled the name "Autumn" into her head. Now when we take her to the playgorund, she will point at little girls and say, "Look at all dem Autumns!!".

I will never forget the time my mom watched her when I had an appointment. I walked in after and my mom looked very frazzled. She said she kept asking for water, but cried when my mom gave it to her. I said. "Water?? She has never asked me for water". She was about 18 months old and it did not seem likely she would ask for water, but "bottle juice" instead. I asked her what exactly she was saying, but before she could answer, Brooke was tugging on me ""RORA!!". "See", my mother said, "She is saying WAWA!!" Oops. Maybe I should have left a langauge decoder, but Rora, so means "Dora!". Sorry 'bout that, Mom.

She used to call popcicles, bicycles and we worked hard to break that one, cause you don't wanna have 'em looking stupid at the park or something. She finally agreed on just "cicles" and we can live with that.

Though someone only watches her about once every year, I really need to start making that list for the next victim that sits clueless as she demands "grown ups!".

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Video Proof

Last night we had a get together at our house, and by get together, I mean a drunken party fest. As if it wasn't bad enough that I woke up and felt like a truck had run me over more than once, had cotton mouth and felt unable to move for the better part of the day, I discovered Travis has taped some of the events of the evening.

I have not been able to watch the entire taping, as I cringe and turn it off after 2 minutes of watching myself be, possibly, the most annoying and loudass drunk ever. Cringing at the memory of the brief tape viewing again with belly flops this time too.

I remember laying my head on the toilet and then losing the strength to even do that anymore, so I lay flat, face-down on the bathroom floor. I crawled to the hall, rested there and then later crawled into the kitchen/living room area where I finally passed out between the two. It was a proud moment.

I have to figure out how to erase that embarrassing footage from the digital recorder or find the tape insdie, if there is one. Some things need not be saved for future reliving on tape, especially nights you would much rather just forget.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Trying to be a FlyLady....

Awhile back my friend sent me this link, It is like a support, step by step thing for those trying to have a clean and organized house. I read all through it back then and I remember a few pointers, one is that you must shine up your kitchen sink a lot. Oh, I also remember you should be dressed quite early and that means shoes on too. I did not do the shoe part, damn.

I did organize several things today and it made a bigger mess than it was to begin with, but I am now working on that too. The one thing I realized is that having things in order is just a lot of work that goes to shit when everyone messes it up again anyway. It was quite satisfying for like five minutes though.

Ryan is leaving for the beach on Sunday. He gets to have all the fun. He went to the mall to get a few last minute items that he needs while I sit and listen to Brooke cry, hour 5 or maybe 6....when I lost my mind a few hours back, I lost my ability to add, I think. Anyhow, she cried a lot today. A. LOT.

I have gone into "sleep mode" where issues still come at me, Brooke is still whining and people try to communicate with me, but I just sit still in a dazed stare and never reply. It is kind of my way to shut it all out to, hopefully, reboot later.

I think I shall lock myself in the bathroom for an hour or so and ignore the attempts to disturb me no matter what. I wonder if that is a "flylady" kind of thing to do? I wonder if I give a shit right now? One guess......

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Raging Hormones

Driving along in my car, a familiar song begins......................

Heart in my mouth, pulse in my head
Mercury rising into the red
The smell of your skin can light up all the fires in me
Hungry to touch, I'm eager to please
Out of control and I hand you the keys
Every night I am burning to make love to you
But don't try to tell me you think it's all physical
It goes much deeper than that
You ought to know it's an affair of the heart
It's an affair of the heart,It's an affair of the heart
Have a little blind faith, believe
It's an affair of the heart
When we make love, it's a passionate thin

You shudder and shake, sink you teeth in my skin
I almost believe you were made to be played by my hands
And you got the power, it amazes me still
How you play my emotions with consummate skill
I don't have to look any further than into your eyes

Is it, could it be RICK SPRINGFIELD singing AFFAIR OF THE HEART?? I totally forgot this song even existed...but then it starts and there I am singing it word for word, caught up in the teenage lust feeling and all that sinking belly crush kind of desire of a girl that knew nothing of sex, but just the possibility, the sheer anticipation of what it could hold and how fabulous it must be.

I look up the song and it was dated April 81, but on a top hits of '83 album. I was fourteen, possibly the peak of imaginary dreams about love and desire that would last forever. Looking back, I am certain that the pre-sex days were so much hotter than the post-sex ones. Well, obviously, this is probably not true of the fourteen year old boys. They are so realistic about it all, they see sex as a way to get off, end of story. We, silly girls of 14 to 104, see it as excitement, true love, connecting, bonding, and being loved in more than just a sexual way. We dream of forever and happily ever after. No wonder we can end up so resentful and bitter!!

Even at this age, listening to that song, I have a strong urge to chase that new, unknown, hot sex beginning where everything seems better and love sets you free and makes you happy and complete. Like an addict chasing the feeling of that first high, I wonder if it can ever be that way again. Maybe that is why so many women, of all ages, married or not, enter into these "affairs of the heart", just to awaken that feeling from so long ago.

And damn with lines like "The smell of your skin can light up all the fires in me", " burning to make love to you", and "I almost believe you were made to be played by my hands"...who the hell can blame 'em??? BURNING to make love to you, made to be PLAYED BY MY HANDS??? That beats the shit out of "Did you wash my dirty underwear?, "Is dinner ready, yet??", and "Can you check out this rash on my ass?"!!

Like a teenager, I will blame the hormones, cause during PMS I don't think hearing this song would have had quite the same affect. But, seriously, "made to be played by my hands".....that is hot. I am sooooooooooooo ovulating!!

I need to get a grip and possibly a cold shower.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A little Sunshine, Please!

When the phone, suddenly and shockingly, woke me up, I saw that it was 930am!! I slept in til 930, with no demands for cereal and no 7am phone calls. Of course it was, as usual, the phone ringing that woke me up, but much later than usual. I looked outside and saw a strange and awesome site. Blue skies and SUNLIGHT! Real sunshine that was not being blocked by clouds and rainy, gloomy days. I have so wanted to spend a day out in the sunshine, even if it would be my own backyard, AND BECAUSE the sun was shining, and I would DEFINITELY be working early today.

I was not up ten minutes when the dreaded call came, "I am switching the work calls to you now". But of course. The sun is out and I could not possibly be off on a day so full of possibilities, swimming, long walks in pleasant 80ish degree weather or just sitting anywhere other then in or around my freakin' house enjoying such a day. But I still had the opportunity to enjoy it at home. I can be an optimist too! I get something to eat and decide that I will get into my swimsuit and catch a few rays.

Then.......someone is knocking at the door. Cassie's friends comes to pick her up. Cassie is fast asleep still. I stand in the kitchen making small talk with a few 13 year olds and a mom of one of these curious creatures as Cassie rushes about to get ready. Cassie is not so fast and always does things in her own time, so that took up just enough of a chunk of time to have Brooke wake up as they are heading out the door.

Now is it "all about Brooke time".....again. Something new this morning though, not the regular cry for cereal, she wants a sandwich. She insists that she must squeeze the jelly on to it "All by MYself!!" as I walk across the kitchen to get the bread. She tells me about this jelly situation at least ten more times as I fetch the peanut butter and jelly. I am trying to remain calm as I, again, reply, "Okay, you can put on the jelly", but I think on time eleven I might have yelled it instead. Time for the jelly, but now Brooke has dramatically thrown herself onto kitchen floor, "Mommy, don't say dat mean to me!!". Sigh.............

I then, excitedly, tell we are going outside to play. Her reply, "No, SpongeBob!!" This could work, she watches that, I lay out , but, then, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO, watch SpongeBob tooooooooooo!!" As an experienced mom I know how to play this one. You sit as though you intend to watch it and within two minutes, when the glazed over SpongeBob drug starts to soak in, you escape unnoticed. I walk upstairs and my bestest, good friend Bubba is on the line. We chat a bit and as we talk I tell her I am going to get my suit on and lay out, but Brooke is back!

We go outside, spread out our towels and she starts with fill up this, get me that and so on. I get a work call that needs attention. Attention as in, go inside and sign on to the work telenet and do shit that needs done right now. I hang up with Kelly, do my work and come out, attempting, again, to just lay in the damn sun!

Now Brooke has a bright idea. If we are laying down, we certainly need pillows and blankies. She is quite proud of this idea and quite freaked out when I accept the pillow but not the giant blankie. Another toddler breakdown. "Got to COVER UP MOMMMMMMMMMYYYY!!". Mommy now, interally, is breaking down. Taking deep cleansing breathes.

More work calls, more requests for drinks, grapes, and covering up, more of everything that keeps me from just feeling that warm, wonderful sun on my skin. Frustration hits which turns into IBS, which turns into sitting in the bathroom with a laptop writing this venting post! Brooke enters because she has to go now. I understood when I had a drink, a bite of food, a bath, a piece of yarn or anything else in my hand, how she needed the EXACT same thing RIGHT NOW, but her new ability to adjust her bathroom habits to the precise moment I am in there, now that is talent.

I know I should really work on Brooke's demanding ways, but a working mom on a business call will give her child anything short of dangerous to just BE QUIET. She so gets that too. I am so doomed and as for the sunbathing, I have officially given up for the day.

Monday, June 05, 2006

We could learn a lot from Cesar Millan

The Dog Whisper, the dog psychologist guy, Cesar Millan does not JUST have a good philosophy when it comes to four-legged creatures. His method of "calm assertive" probably could have done wonders to make my kids obey their pack leader...ME!

Cesar takes these dogs of all ages, from puppies to old-timers, establishes his pack leader status within minutes and teaches the dog owner how to use this same technique to undo years of bad doggie behavior. And. It works!!

As a child of parents that were greatly influenced by the 50's, I sort of followed a different opinion on raising my own children. I wanted to be someone they could relate with, talk to easily, feel less controlled by and not feel that they could not have different opinions on things. What this created was not what I guessed it would.

I thought they would look up to me, come to me with problems, seek my experienced advice on any number of subjects and feel more confident because I let them make more decisions than I was ever allowed. Instead, they saw me as an equal, someone they could challenge and at times, disrepect. When you allow any expression, you find out some of those expressions are targeted at you and what they believe, as teenage know-it-alls. They do really THINK they have it all figured out and they KNOW they have you pegged.

In a lack of true leadership, such as in a pack of dogs, there will be a battle for it. If someone does not, without a shadow of a doubt, declare and follow through on being the leader, the pack will turn on your weaknesses and pretty soon, you are dethroned. That is what happens when you try to have a "friend relationship" with your kids that allows too much tolerance, too much expression and too much leverage. When you come from a place of total control and you are given your thoughts instead of being free to make them on your own, you never imagine that the one thing you wanted to do differently for your children could be just as big as a mistake to the extreme other side.

I am a people watcher and I like to watch the way others handle situations and I see many parents that get it wrong, but have been lucky to see a few that totally get it right. Why wasn't I paying attention to this before I needed to use it??

I see parents plead and scream at their kids trying to get them to do something while the kids completely ignore then, disobey them, taunt them and giggle all the while. I see other parents that call a child off a swing set, and though you see that tiny flash of disappoint at it being time to go, they obey. I watch these parents that use that "calm assertive" thing, that thing I never really caught on to, that thing that genetically missed the target with me completely.

I wonder if Cesar would be willing to work with teenage humans and work some of his magic on this old dog. I could use a few new tricks.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Maybe Tomorrow

Today was my big secret. Today I was going to take 30 days to get healthier. I meant to start June 1st, but June 1st came and I forgot to notice, so I changed it to June 2nd.

Then I woke up this morning and ate cereal that was bad for me and made nutty buddies and ate a handful of them. I was up late last night and Cassie was talking to me til 3am and Brooke woke me up at 8am and I was too tired and unhealthy feeling to start today. My tired body was screaming for chocolate and a quick energy boost. I caved and plus, I already ate the cereal and junk.

So, with the weekend coming, I wondered if I should just wait until Monday to start the "new healthy me" project. I thought about my friend that stopped smoking right before Christmas and actually stuck with it. Of all times of the year, all the stress and crap that comes with Christmas, BUT she did it and that should inspire me, right? If she can do that, I can certainly try to quit during the somewhat carefree days of summer and I should not let a weekend stop me from starting an exercising, eating right, taking vitamins new way of life. Right????????

Wrong...I am already stressing about starting Monday, let alone tomorrow.

On a heavier note, my cable was turned off today and I had to pay four hundred bucks to get it back on because this really nice guy that came to make sure all of cable lines were in order in the new house was actually charging dearly for the kindness. Then after I give them the house payment money they inform me that my new bill of 245 dollars is currently due, but not in "shut off danger" for a few weeks. I said "245???? My bill used to be 140 a month, why 105 more??" Her reply was "fourteen movies bought at 3.99 each and a pay per view fight for 40, plus the extra taxes and fees, blah blah, blah". My kids are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in trouble!!!!!!

I remember when my extended cable was 14.95 a month and come to think of it, we were happier then!! All the excess is killing me. Maybe I should put my budget on a diet and torture my kids instead of myself. Basic cable, no digital box, dial-up internet, and no cell phones. Wait, that sounds like torture for me too. But I think I could give up a few things. Hmmmm, the concept of it all, the trimming of expenses could keep me obsessed for days...seriously, how can you start a healthy way of life with all that on your mind?

Light bulb...what if I did both at the same time. What if I made lists, lots and lots of lists, and did calculations of cut backs and calories all at the same time? Could I be that ambitious??? Probably not, but all of a sudden I feel inspired to try.

Am impossible dream? Maybe. But it is a start and even impossible dreams have to start somewhere. I could actually do this, and if I did, no one would be more shocked than me.

Why do I feel like I just opened a can of worms I will be making excuses about for weeks to come then?? God...I know me so well.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Why Being A Grown Up Sucks.

You can't do kid stuff that would be considered normal for them, but completely "weird" for 39 year olds, like doing flips, rolling down hills, swinging higher than any other snot-nosed, little brat in the park or crying hysterically in public. Well, there are a few can use a small child to act as a "play buddy" and do the first three, the fourth, well you may be carried off in a straight jacket.

You have to be the sensible one. You have to stop arguements that have nothing to do with you, save money to pay the bills instead of blowing it on cool clothes and toys for all ages, not only get yourself to sleep but everyone else because you know better, and you can't say mean stuff to your kids that end with "nah nah nah nah nah!" or that straight jacket thing may come into play..again.

When someone gets sick, you have to be the caregiver, vomit cleaner, and fluid retriever. When you get sick though, you still have to be all those things for yourself.

You have to have a grown up job and/or also be a homemaker, daycare provider, maid, personal shopper, and appointment scheduler. (That is just the short list)

You can't leave mid-day to go play with your friends. Playing with your friends now requires finding a day that works for everyone, finding a babysitter, and finding the strength to actually go.

If you get married, you can't even date anymore. It is just that same person, all the time, every day for years and years and they are so annoying and they make weird noises when they sleep, so you have to sleep on the couch and the couch is hurting your neck and you shutter at the thought of them 90% of the time and it is just so , soooooo, ah, blah and icky.

Your parents still say the same things to you as a grown up that get under your skin and insult you and make you feel like a whiny 10 year old in a way past 10 year old body. They blame you for everything that is wrong with you and then blame you for anything is wrong with your kids and somehow they come out all, like, blameless. No matter what age, they still have this way of getting to you even though you tell yourself you are all grown up now and f that noise, but that noise still sucks.

People expect too much of you and while it is perfectly acceptable for your kids to lay on their asses doing nothing, when you want to do the same, the whole house is all on your case about make me this, is that clean, take care of all this other shit and what gives you the right to relax, slave??

You never get a day off. You can't play hookie from your obligations anymore, like you could as a kid by skipping school or faking sick. If you skip anything or are even actually sick, the work somehow multiplies.

Your friends move away and go to bigger and better places and they are no longer at your constant access to call about every little thing that happens and every little thing that happens is just the same shit that happened yesterday anyway.

You lose touch with those same friends and you miss them and wish they lived nextdoor, like you always planned when you were naive, little girls. You grieve for the life you planned, when anything seemed possible.

You become bitter and resentful and write depressing posts about why being a grown up sucks.

Then you get up to go do some laundry, straighten up the house and you just shake it off............again.