School Days

Ahh....Is there anything quite as wonderful as kids returning from a non-air conditioned school after the first day, being cranky, short and huffy?? To which I tolerated for a good 20 minutes before I blasted back with "WHATEVER!! GO AWAY!!"

Both Cassie and Travis had there little bundle of papers, the same papers I have been filling out for 15 years and will be filling out for 15 more.

I waited all patiently for wonderful stories about the excitement of the first day, who, over the summer, got fatter, thinner, prettier, uglier...you know, all the important stuff. But instead I got nothing but complaints. It is TOO HOT, it sucks, I hate this one teacher, I got yelled at for my shirt saying, "when in doubt, whip it out" and had to turn it inside out, and all the other crap.

Brooke and I went to Mcdonalds and then to the Dairy Queen. I felt both fatter and uglier after that. But apparently,no one cares about such things anymore.

The dog ran away again and no one has called yet to let us know where to pick her up. I am secretly praying it is not the place she went the last three times, cause that guy was so nice the first two times. After calling the third time in as many days and, then Bob deciding he should wait two hours til someone else got home and tell them to go pick up the dog, ah, not so nice that time. He showed up at our door and just sort of tossed the dog in and walked away all pissy. Wonder why?

It really hurts to lose pet owner of the year and mother of the year all in the same day.

I may still in the running for slumlord.

I Mean Bidness!

I had to deliver a threatening, mean, eviction notice, new rules, abide or get the f out, letter to my land contractee from hell. I dropped it by her house this morning. The car was there and the dog, from an upstairs window, was going crazy as I walked up to the porch to put the said letter in mailbox.

What I saw was frightening. The dirty windows always bothered me, cause, like, clean the damn things, but there was the screen from the door all bent out of shape and hanging out onto the porch, siding falling off one side and hanging down, it was looking very ghetto. This only pissed me off more than I was already pissed to begin with and as I walked away, I did not re-secure the, now broken fence gate, with the rubber thingy, with a hook thingy, that now keeps it closed.

She obviously got the letter, because Bob was ordered to do a drive by and the large yellow envelope was no longer sticking out of the mailbox. Her car is now gone, as it generally is when the payment is due, her phone is still disconnected and her water bill has yet to be paid. Maybe she went to buy some windex. Probably not, though.

The kids start school tomorrow and though I had some sadness, mostly because I will be handling Brooke totally alone..I will miss those private ten minute runs to the store...but then Cassie is being Turbo, Mega Cassie today and I could not be happier that for six hours a day she will not be all up in my grill and shit.

Brooke has made a few friends from across the street. It seemed like a great idea until their crazy ass mom came to introduce herself and went on to tell me her entire life story and left with a little warning about Brooke having such long hair cause she keeps her daughter's hair short, easier to get rid of the lice...........OMG, by the way. Now they show up, ring the doorbell a lot, come in after I insist they stay out on the patio, ask for food, swimsuits, and come in every three minutes to give me a play by play of what they are doing now. The new friends suck.

Brooke will start pre-school on the 6th and they called about some orientation thing on Thursday night, to which I immediately thought, "On eviction night for BB, I don't THINK so!!"

I hope Bob has a good time there though.

Who Cares?

Brooke wrote a song not long ago that goes something like this...

I don't know, I don't care

I don't know, I don't care

(double time) I don't know, I don't care, I don't know, I don't care

shut up!

At first it was just a funny little song that she giggled about singing and now I see the true genius in the lyrics. It applies to just about everything in life and can actually be the answer to any question someone asks you. Most of all, it is honest and to the point. I like that.

You can learn a lot from a three year old.

And just for fun I found pics of Cassie and her cous' growing up right before my eyes.....................

Where does the time go??? Sniff, sniff......

Are Ya Ready for Some Football........

Ryan had his scrimmage last night and though I keep saying that I was not into football this year, I saw him suit up, take the field and there I was, all into it and cheering like a freak.

He is competing with another for the starting QB job and it was tense, as I crossed my fingers for him and listened to Bob whisper, "Throw an interception" when the other QB was out there. I had to explain the finer points of karma to Bob and he stopped that.

It rained on and off and when the lightening started they left the field, came back out when it stopped, left the field when it started again and came back out and then, mother nature made her point once more, in a violent way, and they went back in again after only playing half the game. The other QB threw two interceptions and never moved his offense to a score. Ryan threw zero interceptions and put his mark on the board. A QB keeper, he weaved his way into the endzone. SCORE!!

On a sadder note, the Steelers lost and I completely blame myself. I did not get to watch it,of course, because the prince was playing.

I only have so much power and karma to give and I just could not be there for 'em when the cutest kid on the whole team was out there applying for the big job.

When we were leaving to take Ryan out to eat, my parents pulled up beside us and my Dad said meet us at the same place we were already going for dinner! Yikes. No speak for two plus weeks with his passenger and, so as not to break the standoff, we all had pleasant conversation with everyone at the table, except each other.

Weird stuff, but the scallops were to die for!

The Joy of Cleaning

My friend and I discussed the way, that when we were mere mortals of cleaning, we did not notice certain things actually being, umm...filthy.

Basically a clean house was everything being off the floor. I never even saw the kool-aid drips on a frig, the dust bunnies under the furniture, the yellow ring of "piss not flushed in a timely manner" inside the toilet, the cheerios in the corners of the kitchen or any of that "behind the scenes" dirt at all.

As you get deeper into the thirties, maybe your eye for filth improves somehow or maybe it is just that your life is filled with so many things that you cannot control, as in children, finances, lost dreams, boredom and the like, that you need something to feel as though you have accomplished anything. Any little task that you set out to do and can actually see the results, seem giant now. I realized this yesterday when, as each person came into the kitchen, I opened the frig and freezer door and excalimed, "Look, I beached it all out!! Look how clean it is!!!". Unfortunately, even my enthusiasm did not get them excited, about the spotless innards of my appliances one bit. How rude!

This disease takes hold of the laundry as well. I used to add detergent, stuff to beyond capacity and pull out the knob. Sometimes I even remembered to put them in the dryer before I had to repeat the wash, because I , like, forgot about it and now it smells like basement.

There was not a lot of fabric softener, dryer sheets or stain remover in my past. Now I go looking for new scents, new ways to remove stain products, and the loads are half the size they could be cause, "the clothes get cleaner that way". I'm a genius!! I give myself a pat on the back and try and show people Brooke's little white shirt that had a variety of condiments on it but now is glowing white!! Yipee!!

I watch my children's faces when they say they are inviting people over and I scream, "When??? The house is a mess!!" The poor naive souls say, "IT is NOT, it looks fine. Why do you think it is a MESS??" Ahh, if they only understood the dirt they will not see for some 15-20 years. It makes me tear a little from nostalgia.

Do I still let the house go and get 20's dirty? Hell yeah, and sometimes teenager filthy (if laundry is dirty long enough, it is clean again) when I am in a "screw this place and all of your messes" kind of mood. But more often, I find myself dusting, sweeping, and carry around my trusty bottle of windex which I use each time Brooke touches the sliding glass door with her sticky, adorable, little toddler hands.

And, so, it is a lonely joy, but I carry on with my new super powers of dirt detecting and sometimes, rarely, someone says, "Wow, the house looks nice", to which I reply "Don't mess it up and take those filthy shoes off!! You're are getting shit all over the kitchen floor I JUST mopped!!! Geezeeeeeee...Why do I even try........".

I have officially become my mother. God, help me.

Dis and Dat

Kaysar is gone. And that's all I got to say 'bout that. (In my best Forest Gump voice).

I went to that job thingy, cause if you do not, they threaten to take away your unemployment. It wasn't so bad. Kind of like when you have a procedure done and you expect it to hurt SO bad and it only hurts bad.

I felt like a first grader when I was handed little note cards and had to stand up and place them in their proper slots and explain why. The even more humiliating part was when we completeed the elementary school activity, "teacher" gave us candy, peanut m&m's. I was waiting for the "What did you do on your summer vacation?" part, but we didn't get to do that.

She would ask lots of questions and we were expected to participate in the discussion. Since there was only two of us that showed up for class, I did not get to use my Arnold Horseshack techniques, "OHH, OHH!!" and unfortunately, it was quite obvious that, even though I had a 50/50 chance of getting it, that Frank, the 57 year old account, was teacher's pet.

After I left my school, I had to take Brooke to her new pre-school for sign-up and a little tour. I knew it was not going to be pretty when I explained to her over and over that it was not actually her starting school and staying, but her "visiting and leaving" today, when she keep saying, "We got to go see my friends at school and I say bye Mommy and you pick me up later, okay?".
"No, sweetie, this time we just meet teacher and then we go home, no kids will be there today."
"Okay, I got to see my friends and you leave and get me later."
T minus 20 minutes til tantrum, red alert ..red alert...prepare for tantrum....all nerves engage..prepare for holy hell.........

Needless to say, the rest of the afternoon was not pretty.

Today I have to get Ryan packed for his official return to college tomorrow morning, which should be fun cause Aunt Flo showed up and I am pretty much in my beach towel, wrapped around my body phase and this should continue well into tomorrow night. Yee Haw!

I am reading a new book about why I am so f'ed up and negative and junk and I think it is making me feel really negative and f'ed up. I think it might not be working.

Bob is taking the heat from the book reading, cause I am supposd to get that I matter too, which directly translates to me, that he no longer does. I think I am helping him understand that in loud and aggressive ways. It has to be done and , just like everything else around here, if I don't do it, nobody else will.

Travis is looking for a job and already spending his money before he has earned it and Cassie is stirring the pot as Cassie does, so at least something is running on it's regularly, programmed schedule.

The rest is like a box of chocolates............

To Kaysar

My Dearest Kaysar,

They are evicting you. Meaning that three times a week we will no longer be able to meet as I watch my television and you smile and send secret love messages to me. I realize how upset you must be, but it never would have worked out between us anyway. The 2600 mile thing, the fact that I am 13 years older than you, and countless other reasons that will keep us apart make it a sad thing for both of us.

I am so sorry, that on your birthday, you will have to not only be dealing with being kicked out of the BB house, but that you will also see this and realize that it can never be.......... I will miss you. Sniff, sniff...

***************************************************************

Okay, back to the real world, but they are kicking out my Kaysar! I strongly dislike Dani and her "I am running this show" attitude and Marci with his whining, jealous, never-ending rants about the sovs and James, that no good trader and Erika flip-flopping with the powers that by....I hope they do a quad-eviction next week so I don't have to look at these evil, disgusting people anymore!

Breathing. I'll be fine.

Away from reality tv and back to true reality, Brooke is sick with some cold and fever thing. She was a monster yesterday and then, just for extra fun, woke up at 7 am today and two hours later, I am already exhausted. I am emotionally and physically spent this week and it is only Tuesday!

I lost my engagement ring this morning. I was holding Brooke on the couch in the rec room when I loosened it and it flung across the room. I have looked for it for half an hour and have had no luck in finding it. The thought of crawling on the floor, continuing the search. seems like too much work. I will try again later. Yawn.

Brooke has remembered that she had ice cream last night, that she finished, but now wants me to produce more..RIGHT NOW. This should begin the first crying point of the day that will carry on til her bedtime and change only in the reason to cry, the volume of crying and the amount of sanity I will be able to maintain. I'm starting out with very little today, so I figure my 10ish, I should officially be out of my mind.

Concerning yesterday's post, I am trying to work on a way to not care and not let this thing bother me and really mean it. I really want to stop living my life this way and being so vunerable to negative, crappy influences, that start out of my control, but grow worse once they enter my mind. At least I could do something about the second part.

I believe I am entering PMS today, so it may get worse before it gets better. Its a good thing I am used to that.

Fakin' it

So, I am pretty annoyed wth everything, in general. But mostly I am annoyed with talking about or writing about things I am annoyed with right now. Meaning I have to dig deep to find anything to discuss, in any sort of positive way, and since that is nearly impossible, I must fake optimism.

I used to have a saying, that I not only put into action for myself, but repeated to others.."fake it til ya make it". So, in theory, if you pretend to be happy and content, somewhere along the line, you become just that without even realizing it. One day you are no longer faking anymore and it just becomes your new thought pattern. Trouble is, that negative stuff happens, you start getting annoyed again and then you start venting about it in cyberspace for no good reason. Thus, my bad patterns reappear.

I am really hurt by a recent event and every form of "fakin it" comes up short and makes it feel like NOT the right thing to do. When someone hurts you, where do you put that and how do you move on without feeling as though you have either made them think it was okay or you make them think you are not okay by flipping out? How do you find that place were you have respected yourself without causing more turmoil at the same time? Is it even possible?

It is like the school bully who picks on you. You react, meaning you fuel the fire and continue the abuse. You can fuel it with tears, retaliation, reasoning or just something as simple as showing reaction through body langauge or facial expressions, that you try hard not to have...and yet, even no reaction is a reaction. You become the joke and they get away with the bad behavior. People try to make you feel better about it by saying things like, "They have to be miserable themselves to do such things" and still, it doesn't matter cause it doesn;'t make you feel any better that they are still causing misery for you.

You spend your time thinking of the "right way to handle it" and every road leads to another bad decision and you get too caught up in it all and are too hurt to think clearly and you just can't find your way out anymore.

In family matters, things get even more complex. So complex, that it would be hard to cover it all in just one sitting, but, trust me, VERY COMPLEX. It comes down to realizing that doing the right thing for you, is hurting all the innocent people, also indirectly involved, and that feels as bad as not doing anything at all. You move between the rock and the hard place until you see there is no where else to go. Being a fairly loving and unselfish soul, is not the best combo for making it in this world.

Maybe the hardest part of that is that while you sit trying to figure out how to do everything and make it somehow in the best interest of everyone, you know that they are not worrying about you and your feelings one tiny bit. Not only are they not worried, they have already turned it around in their own mind to make it all your fault anyway, making it easy for them to feel better about it, even forget about it. They lose what they did behind what they feel you have done back.

You start to doubt yourself, your kind nature starts to work on your conscience and you end up apoligizing for taking it up the ass. Now you resent them and yourself.

So, this time you are determined it will be different, even though you are already in stage 4 of the 6 part pattern and you are knee deep in your own inability to change it AGAIN!!

Ugh, I might as well just call right now and take the blame for something bad being done to ME! Or will this be the time that I finally realize the only way to change the situation is to give on the dream that I will ever really matter to them? How many times does someone have to show you that you don't have any importance until you get it and accept that your hopes to have that importance are just not going to happen? Thrirty-nine and counting??? Can someone please buy me a clue??

The harsh truth that you help them hide for so many years is just not worth it anymore and why are you protecting them anyway? I have been asking myself that all night and yet, the pit of my brainwashed, pudgy belly says "don't rock the boat"'. God, they are good!

So, I know the answer, is what it comes down to, but have just not wanted to accpet that answer because it is maybe the biggest challenge of all. It is the one aspect that I have faked for so long that it is time to realize that I am not "makin it" and it is time to do the unthinkable in my own head. Get real and stop living for a dream that is never going to come true. Forgive myself and everyone else and just move the hell on, already.

If the answer is that easy, why is my heart breaking over the phone call and apology that is never going to come?

Big Brother

I miss my live feeds, that for some reason, I am getting for free. I actually bought then last season when, somewhere in the middle of the show, I got way too obsessed. I promised myself that this year, I would not be so lame, so desperate for entertainment and so weird as to actually purchase them again. I happen to goggle "Big Brother 7" to just get some feed info, cause the show is so edited WRONG, and a site comes up with the live feeds in a litttle, side window. There they were in the backyard hanging out.

I read futher down and it said that you will only be able to see the feeds if you have purchased them, which I did not. Maybe they forgot to turn me off from last year, I have no idea, but there I was watching them again. The live chat and stuff doesn't work for me, but I have video and I have sound and, with the lack of anything else good on TV, I was hooked once more. In a way less obsessed way, but hooked, nonetheless.

It doesn't help that I have two other obsessees in my life. We have a little get together at least once a week to watch the show and, if not together for an airing, we call immediately following to say things that begin with "omg, could you believe..., I so hate..., and I loved when.... With my slow dial-up I can only read the update boards and am without my feeds and , geeze, it just is not the same and, damn, when did my life get so boring that this feels like so much fun??!!

Anyway, eviction tonight and new HOH competition!!!! Woohoo!!! I hope the 6ers win again and nobody better mess with Janie, Howie or MY Kaysar!! The Jedi force is strong with them....

Dear, God...... I need an intervention.......

Cause Ya Had a Bad Day......

I don't know if was losing the cable this morning, the fact that I had to go outside in this heatwave, or that my family is turning into some crazy psychos that fight from morning til night, but I had a lousy day. It didn't help that I still did not get the house payment, that I made a 400 dollar error figuring out my checking balence that I discovered at the worst possible time or that I am just plain fed up with this life of mine...but damn, girl, today sucked.

It is now close to 1am and I was arguing with Cassie to come in off the front porch, get off the phone and just go to bed, already. She decided to respond loudly, as usual, which woke up Bob, who came out and escorted her in a not so nice way to her room. I yelled at Brooke, who was still up at 1230 and told she had to go to bed and with all the loud insanity that was our home today, she broke down in tears. I was not having it and told her to get to her room and then I broke down in tears, too. I felt guilty and even if I shouldn't, I still did. It didn't help that when I got over my jag and decided to lay down with her, she was asleep and the last thing she saw before that was a stressed out mommy.

I feel bad for Cassie, if for nothing else, just the stupidity she shows in not knowing when she has so crossed the line that she needs to just disappear and not further infruriate everyone. In any room, at any given time, if Cassie is there she is fighting with whoever else happens to be there and she just cannot understand that the common denominator is HER. It is hard to save someone with a knife in their hand claiming to be the victim all the time.

Travis made an insulting comment to me, within earshot of some friends down in the rec room, that hurt me to the core and it just broke my heart and made me feel bad about myself. It made me realize how completely opposite two different people can see the same exact thing. It is like having a bad conversation with someone and both of you thinking at the same time how boring the other one is and how they were not fun to hang out with at all.

Sometimes the sacrifices we make for others is more than we can afford to give up. When everyone around you is number one and you have not even made their list, feeling resentful is what tends to follow. Maybe you set it up that way without meaning to, but you hope that maybe, someday, someone sees it. Not for the recognition or the glory, but just to see that you are human too and you have feelings and you're not made of steel. And maybe they will begin to see that everything you do is out of love and, though it is never perfect, it came from a good place.

Or. Maybe. You just think too hard when things are not going your way and none of it is that big of deal. My heart has been broken a million times and I have no doubt it will be broken a million more and I am sure in the things I have said and did to the people I care about that I, too, have hurt others...but today, today it sucked and I just felt it more.

Brooke Goes to a Wedding

She was highly excited about wearing a "princess dress", but then to Brooke every dress makes you princess. I know this because the scary, loud mouth, new, neighbor lady/troll came out in a housecoat and Brooke yelled, "Look, she da princess, Mommy!!!" (This was followed by the troll lady walking into her house and slamming the door).

She was the regular party girl. She danced with me at first.................

But then she found someone her own size to cut a rug with.................

When her little friend (who was not wearing a princess dress and Brooke told her about it) was tired of dancing or highly insulted, she came over to find some new partners, but not before a request to have her "pitcher" taken.

She then decided that a dancing partner was no longer necessary.

After 5 plus hours and lots of dancing, it was past her bedtime and not only was she not ready to leave, but she was this wide awake.

And she was ready to blow bubbles and have some more cookies. Getting her out was not pleasant, but we eventually got her in the car, kicking and screaming.

She went in her room, danced awhile longer and finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Even party girls need their rest.