The Blahs

The last few days, (maybe weeks, possibly years) I have felt so down and so out of it. The real kind, not that mild blues thing. It feel more like depression, bad, tired of everything, including grooming myself, depression.
Every task feels like a mountain to climb, no matter how small and insignificant. I am currently blaming the extra level of stress(stress equals Cassie, for the most part), my diet and AT&T. I miss Ryan a lot too, but he will be home soon.
I am both looking forward to and dreading my new job. I look forward to it when I think about being around grown ups, getting out and having some purpose other than the house and kids. I dread it when I think about waking up every morning, racing out the door and missing Brooke like crazy.
Everyone says it will be good for both of us, and though it probably will, I still hate not being the one with her when it has been the only thing she has known. Mother's guilt is the worst of all. I predict she will adjust much faster than me.
I am going to send in the paperwork to turn the other house over to the mortgage company. I had hopes it would sell and be paid off with a little extra to straighten out the ten other messes it caused, but ain't gonna happen, I guess.
Tonight we are having R's birthday at the house and I think that will lift my mood, maybe give this flatness I feel a new shape and form.
I need to go clean this house and myself up, but I keep finding other things to NOT do.

To Those That ...

To those that I called and obsessed that I may be pregnant because my boobs hurt a week early and belly was all "showing" like I was six months along. I have good news..........

I'm not.

Though I may be forever known as the girl that cried "pregnant" when the possibility is non-existant, I appreciate you listening to my never ending rants and acting like you understand that vasectomies can grow back and that, even if I was unsure about actually having sex, I did play quarters one night during this cycle and, ya know, it COULD have happened!!

To those that hear about my issues with the 14 year old drama queen and think they have a solution to the problem.........

Tried that. Didn't work.

She has so ruined my credibility as a good parent, I may take this opportunity to be a really bad one and sell her on E-bay, with free shipping.

To those that have not had a 4 year old in a number of years and think they remember what it was like.....

You don't. Your mind protects you from reliving such terrors that include constant chaos, and a trail of toys that line each room and extent outside the perimeter of your house. If you have not stepped on a hard plastic Dora in the last few weeks....good for you and kiss my ass.

To those that call to tell me my bills are late and you may take legal action soon......

You're barking up the wrong tree and I am tired of the threats. Two words. Bring it.

To those that work at AT&T that put that order in to have my cell phone shut off for a five dollar late fee that I did not even know I had, cause I paid two days late last month and I am not even due yet this month and you wanted 40 bucks to restore the service AND I kept getting people that said "Hold on while I check this.." and was then directly sent back into the "press one for trouble with your service..", then had to yell at a whole new person all over again...........

I don't like any of you, but I appreciate that you did restore my service and wave the fee cause it was so freakin' ridiculous and if I did not have PMS, I may actually feel bad for the verbal beatings you all endured...or maybe not.

To those that coach football at Washington & Jefferson College, that continually screw over my fabulous, talented, handsome and "too good for your glorified high school, jump up in the air and hit bellies, fake stats" team......

I look forward to telling you off again next season, via e-mail, because you give hormonal fluctuations a home and a purpose.

To those that put up with all my bullshit.....

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Truth about Kids

Now I love my kids more than anything in this world, but I am also an honest person that has to vent.

Some see babies as pooping machines that demand to be fed every three hours. None of that ever bothered me. I triple love babies and the only real complaint there would be the 48 hours of straight crying during teething periods, a small annoyance for the joy of a soft cheek pressed against yours, a toothless grin and something cuddly to carry most everywhere you go.

Then they become toddlers and they say the most adorable things. They get a bit messier and demanding, but still the cuteness factor is through the roof. They are more entertaining than anything and you beam with pride at every milestone.

Then they become pre-schoolers. I am convinced they made up this name to give hope to every mother that, you can do this, they will be in school soon!! They want your undivided attention, start bossing, manipulating their worlds to suit them and not you, and begin to get some joy out of seeing you about to lose it, which is more and more often.

This stage includes the beginning of major guilt, because, at times, you would pay someone just to get them the hell away from you for five freakin' minutes. Five minutes of no yelling your name, no showing you that 50Th picture of the day that you have to applaud AGAIN, no get me this, let me do it MYSELF, I had that first, sponge bob on very TV, I don't want to go to bed, I am scared, I am hungry, come wipe my butt, I want a bath, I want, I want, I want...WHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

School, a full-time job, a nanny and running away with no forwarding address become your daytime fantasies. At times you can actually feel parts of your brain mushing away from lack of adult contact. By the time everyone arrives home from school and work, you are exhausted, bitchy, short-fused and even sick of yourself, thus leaving you no peaceful way to recollect.

Then the glorious, and bittersweet, day comes when you drop them off to their first full day of school. You cry as you leave them there, get home and cry some more and you think how much you miss them. Then they come home and for the first hour, you hug them and talk about their day and then by hour two, three and four, as they start all the wants again, you are wishing for night school.

The phases continue, from potty mouth to smart mouth, from" give me a kiss, mommy" to "Please do not act like you know me, nor touch me when we get there", and from "You are so smart!" to "You know nothing". And that "wanting" thing, it just gets worse and more expensive.

Kids are the most exhausting, heartbreaking, wonderful, blessed thing in the whole world. With the overwhelming love you feel for your children, comes the equally overwhelming urge to want to choke them at times.

So, I am looking for a job and should, very soon, have one and "good Mommy" feels sad that I will have to be away from Brooke. What if she falls and cries for me or is emotionally scarred from me leaving her 8 hours a day after being here since she was born, every second of every single day for over four years.

"Real Mommy" says "Can I start today?????!!???"

41 Mouths to Feed and Nail Glue

Our Easter/Brooke's birthday gathering was probably against fire code. There were 41 people total, but at times I swear there were 61 in the kitchen as I tried to maneuver about to get the food out. Of this number, eight were girls under 10.

It is amazing that grandchild 1,2 and 3 were boys and, when I was next to deliver number 4, I think we all had thoughts of dresses and baby dolls. Our dream came true five times and we have recently added three more by way of my brother's new family. I have mixed feelings on what to hope for with their child due in October. Frankly, I just am curious to see what an Eddie baby will look like and how it may act. A boy would be nice, but then he will have no one to relate to in the sea of girls. I guess we just hope for healthy and either way, I can't wait to have another baby in the family...maybe it will cure my aching, psychotic, you cannot EVEN have another one, uterus.

When it came time to open presents, the one 4 year old and three 3 year olds ripped into the bags and gift boxes like a tornado in a trailer park. I thanked everyone for whatever they may have brought, as I still have no idea what anyone got Brooke, other than myself. I would like to take back the thank you's on the play-doe, 120 memory game cards, and craft set that included a big bottle of glue that she used to coat the entire top of her play table. Also, retracting the thank you's on the extra candy included in everything, cause it was, like, an Easter theme and aren't people clever to think of including candy, so she vomitted up nerds and other assorted sugary treats all last night and missed her school birthday party today.

Her birthday party ended with a bang as well. She got to take a trip to the ER at 9:30 Easter night. She complained that afternoon of an ear ache and Cassie's nail glue looked like ear drops to her. She was very proud when she inserted the super glue in her ear and upon looking up what to do online, all info pointed to SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY. Even when we called the doctor on call(HMO rules) he was all "GO NOW!!!". Luckily, for her, the glue is fast drying and only got as far as the opening to her ear. They told us trying to get it off of the outer ear, cheek and hair might pull off her skin and to just let it wear off over the next few days. I brought the bottle with me and they were impressed with her recognition skills in " looks like ear drops" sightings.

My birthday party throwing duties are now officially over until November.

I Miss You, Delly

Now that I am on this 128MB, Windows 98, piece of shit from hell, I often sit back and think about Delly, all the memories we had. Sniff, sniff....I lost my best friend practically. Well, one of them, anyway.

He sits, connected to nothing in the corner of my room. He holds about 600 of "My Pictures", many Photo Stories, all my bestest, favorite places and I really miss him, DAMMIT!

I used to make videos of the kids to music and watch them 10 times a day to suit any emotion I craved to feel. If I felt sentimental...memory videos with sad songs, if I felt like a good laugh, funny videos of Cassie posing with kissy faces and pushed out chest. I want them back!

I am still on the search for a job(Delly could do it much faster) and nothing is coming up at all. I am even involving family, who never call back with these leads they had, and I am starting to think they are avoiding me or just forgetting to actually do what they say they will and thus, avoiding me cause they forgot, cause they are too wrapped up in their own lives and WHAT ABOUT ME?? When did it stop being about me?? Oh, wait, it never was except for those occasions when they needed someone to pick on.

Okay, I am just kidding I am not that pathetic that all I do is sit around and say "poor me" and "everyone is against me"....well, not ALL the time anyway!

One's Vacation is Another One's Hell.

There are so many occasions that bring dread to people. Funerals, open houses at school, your preteen daughter's slumber party because it is 4am and they are still giggling hysterically, spending holidays at your in-laws, but is there any occasion as dreadful as your husband being on vacation. Okay. Maybe the funeral one, depending on who it is and junk...but the vacation one is right up there! Trust. Me.

I cannot decide whether Bob gets on my nerves more when he is being an ass or more when he is being too accommodating. Of course you get both sides because he will keep trying to do things for me until it gets me nuts, I explode, and then it follows with the asshole behavior. Maybe the biggest issue is that everything he does is right up there in your face, good, bad and ugly.

I remember being young and how my mom's whole mood changed when my dad got home. She would be more edgy, more annoyed and seemed like her face might crack. He picked olives out of the salad and she sighed, he stood in her way as she tried to get the rest of dinner on the table and god forbid he try and help because any position he took upon arriving home was just in her way.

As a child, I was never really sure who to feel more sorry for, the annoyed or the annoyer, who annoyed, seemingly, by just being there at all. But now I get it and yet, somehow, I don't get it at all.

Do we resent them because we blame them or do we resent them because, no matter how much of a bitch you are, no matter how mean and unloving you treat them, they just will NOT go away! And when you tell them all the reasons you are miserable and how this thing is just not working at all for you, they ask if you "wanna do it" two hours later. I mean, WTF??

Makes you wonder if they are really that dumb or just really that smart, doesn't it?

Just.....

Do you ever just get tired of people because you know everything and they know nothing?

It is hard sometimes to watch others make mistakes and not be able to do a damn thing to stop it. It is annoying, even. Almost as much as watching yourself make the same one over and over.

The extremists of the world set me off. There are so many around me. Whenever you say never or always, you are wrong. Remember first grade?

Friendships should not be this hard.