Bitches

It is time for the regular bitching post about the bitches that either sold me their house or bought mine. If I have learned anything in all this it would be that land contacts suck ass.

Our land contactee is MIA and is a week late on her payment. AGAIN. I thought after threatening her, within an inch of her life, two months ago that the problem was solved. She even paid a day early last month, but she is back to missing this month again, when the payment is due, but of course.

SIL from hell is not paying her escrow, thus making this payment appear partial and late, because I am not paying her part anymore. She is off making sure her life is as miserable and hellish as possible, which has always been a full-time job for her. She's very good at it.

Between the two of them, it is costing me an additional 250 for both, for their late fees and failure to pay. I am not doing it anymore. I may be taking back possession of the other house because I am not playing bounty hunter every month. The hours suck and the pay is out of my own pocket.

Aside from all that fun, the kids are asking when they will get new stuff for school, and "Can we go tonight??". Travis is expecting me to help him shop for a gift, I must start getting Ryan prepared to move back in at school and the temperature is way hot, way humid and way making me feel trapped indoors. Hate it!

I took Brooke to the Dairy Queen for a shake and she cried about being too hot, even though I had the car temperature at 62 degrees. It was not getting there and it was not cold enough, but tolerable to me. Then when we got inside, she wanted a blankie cause she was too cold and I was still wiping off the sweat from the 15 foot walk to the house.

The new doggie is doing a bit better, but still insists on pissing on the carpet in Cassie's room. After I evict someone, figure out how I am buying the kids new stuff, make a few threatening calls to SIL, help Travis pick out a gift,wash and pack all of Ryan's stuff, get caught up on the mess around here, bitch about all of it and solve the Middle East crisis, I plan on working on that problem.

One thing at time.

Mini Mes and Missing Children.

I remember when Cassie was younger and wanted to do a lot of the stuff I did. I worked full-time then, at the hospital, and she did not have the opportunity to be stuck to my hip on a never-ending basis as Brooke does now. Maybe that is why it was less severe.

Brooke is out of control on the mini me stuff and I realized this in the bathroom as I was trying to shave my legs. She HAD to get in too, but I needed the room to shave. I tried over and over to tell her that when I was finished, she could get in and play,but noooooooooooo. She had to get in NOW, cause Mommy was in there.

Then, as I reached for my towel to get out, thinking she would want to stay in and play with all the damn toys floating in there since her arrival, but she had to, also, get out now. She reached for her towel and was studying my every move. As I dried off my arms, she did too, then legs, she did too, then wrapped my hair in a towel, she tried to, as well. When she couldn't get the hair wrap down, she freaked out and I had to try to wrap it around her tiny little head. It would not stay in place causing her to wig out each time it fell off, so I had to take mine off prematurely, so she would just forget about having the towel on her head, already!

Bob made her food when he was home for lunch and she ate all of her's and part of his. But, when I came in to get something to eat twenty minutes later, she had to have what I was having and had to make it too. It is like some crazy syncronized dance she does with me all day long.

If this is the highest form of flattery, I wish to be not get any. At all. Ever.

I find it interesting, especially since I was a single mom when my boys were 18 months and 3 years of age, and prior to that, they were with me only, most of the time, because my first husband worked two jobs. I'm thankful that they did not want to apply make-up and get their nails painted, but being around mostly females, it is pretty cool that they got that they were not supposed to do these things. They spent much of their time chasing each other around, knocking over everything in the house and giggling constantly.

After being up all night looking for a missing Cassie, that decided she should go out at 2am and look for our lost dog, while Bob and I circled our town for hours looking for her, losing any precious sleep that we both needed. And, after being followed around 16 hours a day by a 3 year old that must do as I do...I have come to the conclusion, that I sort of already knew, that BOYS ARE SO MUCH EASIER!! With extra emphasis on the SO MUCH part!

Incidentally, Cassie found the dog, which still freaks me out. It ran away at 1pm and by midnight, we had all decided we would never see it again, being that we only had it for a week and a half, it may never remember how to get back home. Stranger even, was that she found it by our old house on the north side of town and, even stranger than that, she was roaming on the opposite side of town looking for it in the middle of the freakin' night!

When she returned with the dog at 545 am, she came in all excited about finding it, as we were now keeping watch at both doors because the police were now on the case of searching for our missing daughter. When we went ape shit that she was gone for 3 hours plus in the middle of the night, she was all, "Why, is that bad? I found the dog, GEEZEEEEE". She is still confused by the three month grounding and the long lectures we keep giving her....she totally doesn't get it.

Yup, give me a son to raise any day.

No Pass Zone

As women, we all know what is like to be around a sleazy, grabbing, touchy, feely slimeball. We have been standing, innocently enough, in a bar or at a dance and had the unwanted advance that went way too far. It could be a comment whispered in your ear, a grab to an inappropiate area, cat calls, or any number of actions that make you feel violated and just plain icked out.

Since these passes and advances are made, mostly, by the opposite sex you feel vunerable at times because you get that fear that you may not be able to defend against them if the drunk, sleazy guy snaps out and decides to go even further. Someone may have to walk you to your car or walk you home for protection.

Men rarely get to experience this fear and need for protection. If they are being hit on in a strong and relentless way, it is not a problem in the same way. Basically, if the girl is hot, they sleep with her, mental illness and obsession are not a drawback when they can get off and if she isn't hot, a bj might be a possibility...if the interest is just not there, they don't have to worry that it will be taken, because they can defend themselves against the girl and never need someone to get them safely home or to their car.

So, this weekend the tables were turned a bit. Bob was hit on by an aggressive, relentless man that whispered a proposition in his ear, while running his hand along his inner thigh, pulling back with a suck of the earlobe and possibly a kiss on the neck.....it got fuzzy from pure disbelief on his end. You would think that alone would make a straight guy wig out and just knock this guy across the room, but circumstances ( me being longtime friends with the group) made him hold back and just leave the situation.

When we got outside he was a mess, had a deer in headlights look, a shakiness about him and he was up to his ears in the ick of it all. He felt violated and assaulted. I felt bad for him, especially when he woke up later in a nightmare where he was being raped and held down by men. It really shook him. Maybe too many prison movies in his memory banks, but part of me felt so sorry for him and yet a tiny, little part of me felt like maybe he could see it from a girl's prospective now.

Either way, he rested quietly most of the day and seemed less traumatized by the day's end, but I think he secretly replays it again and again and wants a "do over".

One that would leave no doubt that he was not only, not interested, but violently opposed.

I was as sensitive as I could be and only tormented him, like, every other time I saw him...which I thought showed great restraint.

Can We Get A Little Snow, Please?

Ugh. This humidity is killin' me! It is making me look, oh, so forward to, fall. The air is so thick and icky and it makes my chest feel all heavy....hate it!! Sometimes I find myself in fantasies of playing in the snow, building snowmen and sled riding. I think the heat is making me go insane.

Speaking of insane, I feel "not so great" lately. Mentally and physically, I just feel down, yet anxious. I am all overwhelmed with nothing and I want to be alone, but I don't want to be alone. Just a horrible rut sort of feeling, sprinkled with a bit of anger and a touch of resentment. I just get tired of my "every silver lining has a cloud" existance.

I am still not smoking, sort of. I have a half before bed and I did find myself lighting up a few times this week for a puff or two, but maybe 5 whole cigs in week. When you consider that in a week I could have easily smoked 210 plus...I still feel pretty good about that. I am commited to not going back to a pack and a half and then some, habit. I really feel like I can do that, but for now I need a little hit now and again.

Next project, eat healthy. Give me a few weeks though..............

Smokin'

My plan was set in motion. I would stop smoking and start working out and the only thing "smokin" about me would be my body. Instead I now eat breakfast and lunch, which I used to smoke cigarettes for, and I eat dinner too early and cap it all off with an evening snack of ice cream or some other unhealthly treat, like chips or spoonfuls of chocolate icing.

I guess that is to be expected at first and being that I am having an extra special, bleed to death period, I should cut myself some slack ....and maybe dig out some fat pants. Why does it always have to be that way? Give up one negative and another takes its place.

I wanted to start walking at night and I did a bit last night but the humidity was so horrible that it hurt to breath out there, so I ran back into my air conditioning, ordered a moolatte and sat on my ass drinking it. Next plan..."Stop eating, you piggy!!!!" and "Exercise!! Oink, Oink!!"

The lack of sleep is catching up with me too. I am constantly tired and I am still not actually sleeping more than two hours straight, but it has changed in the sense that I actually have lost some of the hyperness and feel really run down from it all. Before I was just high on hyper and did not really suffer much from the exhaustion part.

I cannot underestimate the power of Cassie, and the fact that she is now home, which makes me tired all by itself. She was not in the door five minutes when we started our ranting back and forth. Her drama, her fits for no reason, her tormenting of anyone and everyone, her loud, LOUD voice and her strange teenage attire is just too much to cope with most of the time.

Breath...........Brooke is up, I can do this.

Horoscope

I used to be a horoscope ho. I had to look in the paper each day to see what was in store for me the next day, as though it would actually happen. You know, that zillions of Aquarians just like me would all have a "romantic encounter with a special somebody from your past". Yeah, it could happen. Not.

But, my friend was talking about how her horoscopes, lately, have been dead on and it made me do a horoscope search of my own today. This is what I found:

"Today may give you reason for reevaluation, even if you are on the right track. You are looking at your current situation and attaching feelings to it that resonate with your own personal history. Your practice today is to accept the messages coming from your own subconscious mind. Then talk about them, even if the thought of sharing some of these things out loud makes you uncomfortable."

I don't even know what exactly to make of it and what it even means, but, damn, it is so describing my mind of late and things I have said recently too. As I have, out of the blue, decided to quit smoking, just on a whim, and how I have been saying that something in me feels like the past, like an old me I thought was gone forever and how I just feel like my subconscious is trying to break out with some giant revelation...it all seems to strangely "fit" into this vague, but not so vague, horoscope.

I don't know. It could be my raging PMS or my lack of nicotine, but something big is happening and on the other side of it all, is major change. It is nothing so much external, but the internal part, that is all swishing about and reconfiguring. I remember times in my life where I knew I was in the grips of change and part of it felt exciting and part of it felt like leaving something behind. I have so much to leave behind internally, so, sooooooooooo much, that over the last few years have not served me well at all.

Sometimes we hang on to the "crap", that emotional baggage that is torturous, but so familiar that it wraps around you like your favorite blankie and makes you never want to let go, no matter how deperately you need to let go, for your own sake. Other times, you feel yourself letting go, even if you are not quite sure what you are actually letting go of, you just know you are. Does any of this make sense? Maybe not, but somehow it does to me.

It is not just a new chapter starting, but a whole new book and this time I want more writing privledges and I want to make more of my own calls and less of doing what I "should" do or what is expected of me to do. I finally feel like I am in a place to do it. Win, lose or draw, I'm ready to take the chance.

Now, that feels BIG! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain.........

Nicotine Withdraw Hurts

Okay, first day was easier than I thought, second day I spent a lot of time moving, kicking, shaking legs, shaking arms, rolling about and making any motion, almost involuntarily and as though it would use up the excruciating pain and energy I had built up just wanting a freakin' cigarette. I went to bed that night and woke up at least every half an hour, feeling like I was suffocating and that my heart had stopped. I would jump up, gasp for air and punch myself in the chest, like my fists were shock panels. It was maybe one of the worst nights of my life. I do not like to even remember it, let alone discuss it.

Yesterday, after the bad night, I was up and moving at 630am. I did laundry, scrubbed down walls that were already clean, flooded the back patio with water and used a push broom to sweep it off, used clorax cleanup on the picnic table (cause it seemed like a good idea to sanitize it and junk), washed down all of Brooke's toys, did all the bed clothes and did not stop moving from 630am til about 4pm between cleaning and running uneceassary errands. Then I decided to get Brooke ready and take her to dinner.

We went to Bob Evan's were I took one of her crayons and got way too involved in coloring my placemat. They would ask if we needed anything or everything was okay and the stimulation seemed too great, replies were hard to get out, I just wanted to color and eat...."Yeah, fine" would finally leave my lips as I looked confused for a few seconds first. I'm sure they had bets in the kitchen about what my deal was, mentally ill or drug addict, at this point I felt both seemed correct.

Then Brooke wanted dessert and she loves these little ice cream treat things called Dibs. We went to the store to get them, where a punk cut in front of me and I wigged out, shoved the Dibs and my sno-caps towards the cashier and said "screw this" and stomped out. Brooke was all, "But you forget my ice cream, Mommy...I want my ice cream, Mommy...". To which I reply, loud enough to be heard, that we are going to DAIRY QUEEN now, as though I made the convenient store jealous. I got home from the Dairy Queen and left a tell-off message to SIL from hell. I thought of telling others off for various reasons, sort of like drunk dialing, but without alcohol cause the without nicotine part was bubbling up some massive anger and it all seemed okay to just get it out. Thank God, I got distracted, by a dusty lawn chair or something, and ran for the clorox.

Last night after the manic, sometimes violent irritability shit, I was tired, I was sad and, yet, I was still determined, though I have no idea why. I went to bed and still woke up constantly, but hourly this time, and this morning, I crave worse then ever. I want to cry, I miss my friend,even though my friend was going to give me cancer and make me unable to breath, in the short run, they made me very relaxed and happy. They helped me sleep apparently too and they helped me lay around for hours without shaking body parts. Wow, I miss that.

I am soooooooooooo suffering right now,I guess I have to go clean the walls again or something. Please pray the madness stops soon for me. Wait, my period is due in a few days.....this is not going to be good.............

Brooke and Me

We got up way too early and drove to the main post office in Wheeling to ship out Ryan's ebay stuff.

We went to Burger King for breakfast and spent two hours playing with Chistopher and his Grandpa. We never met them before, but Chris and Brooke are like this now (crossing fingers).

We stopped at Mamaw's for Brooke to act scared and me to be scary.

We left and headed home to blow bubbles in other people's yard....from our yard, of course. As the traveled farther, higher and faster...we clapped.

We went Krogering and I got her to come out without a balloon, but more importantly, without it AND without going ape shit about it.

We ate a late lunch and played more bubbles and giggled at a kitty and tried to do anything that kept my mind off cigarettes......it started getting difficult.

We watched cartoons, played in the rain, made dinner, sat out front after dinner, sang songs, read books, told our own stories, tossed pebbles, looked for bugs in the grass and every other think I could think to do.

Tomorrow, I will have to wake up and do it all over again. Brooke and I are really having fun, despite the fact that I can't get my mind and my cravings to chill out, but all the things that keep us busy are maybe the biggest help of all.

Thanks, Brooke!

Family and Other Deep Emotional Scarring.

My parents, is there enough webspace to even get into my parents? Probably not.

My mom has selective hearing loss and my dad has the mouth runs, but only when telling you what is wrong with you and why , after doing everything on earth to help you, he will no longer be able to continue it. My mom hears bad things about those she wishes to not concern herself with and hears nothing bad about those she wishes to beam with pride about.... and I'm in the first group.

When Ryan has left for a trip, she comes over, hands him some money, and acts like she can barely stand the seperation. When Cassie was going, they avoided contact like the plague and even lied about where they were going the day she was leaving. They called and I asked where they were, as I heard outdoor noises and they said, "Ahhhhhhhh, going to the post office. Why?". No reason, just heard noises.(???????????) Geeshhhhhh.

Then my sister calls me back about some work related issue we had discussed earlier , about 5 minutes later, saying she was inside messing with something in the house, but hold on while she runs outside to ask dad. She yells to him the question, he asks who it is and she says me, mumbled noises, then she hurrily says she will call me back later. BUSTED. They did not have time to inform her of the lie, apparently. An emergency meeting was heald where they came up with, act like that never happened,always deny it..... and no one has called me since.

My dad did stop by yesterday morning, acted like him not paying me was totally cramping his style, because I have to realize that I work for free now or some shit like that. It was like this attitude that the charity must now stop, you don't really work thirty to fifty hours a week, being stuck in your home and since that is all in your imagination, the pay for the fake job must now end.

He started on some rant about business being so bad that he imagines they will have to sell their home, which is such bullshit because it has been paid off for twenty years and how does that make any freakin' sense? So, off he went to spend a few hundred golfing.

I have heard about this world of denial, I should like to visit there sometime......

The pay issue went like this. I find out Cassie is leaving the 9th and not the 19th(like she has been saying for weeks), we are beyond broke, but would have been paid the 14th. Now I am in a mess. As I find this out on the 7th about her mistake on dates, my dad calls and asks if my mom sent over my pay. I say not yet, but I am going to have to call and possibly trade checks with Donnie, as a payday sort of 5 day loan to give Cassie money for the trip.

He calls back later and says, I will just do that with you so you don't have to call Donnie about it, the cash is at home on the server. I have no keys to their house. The next morning, Bob is called out on water issue, I must get to urgent care and still no one is home so I can pick up my paycheck and this loan for Cassie's trip. I finally get ahold of my mom, who said she will run it by on her way to the mall at 1030-11. I get the enevelope, but it only has the trip money, $150.00 cash.

I have about seven bucks in the bank and no groceries. Later I realize, that Bob took a check and I actually have minus 22 when everything comes back. Now I have no choice but to put this money in the bank.

Once I get my paycheck, I can deposit it Monday and Ryan will have to use his money card Sunday to give her money. I will return it to him on Monday. That plan seemed fine til I called my mom to inform her that the check was not in there, just the 150 I borrowed from dad til Friday. She was all, "Yeah, well just consider that your paycheck and I guess, huff, you will not have to pay him back then.". How does that help me?? Losing half my paycheck, not really getting a loan and having no money now to give Cassie after I am in desperate need of groceries?? She huffs some more and she says she will work it out and there is nothing she can do til Monday morning. She will call me first thing in the morning.

Sunday we have the post office lie and now, on Tuesday, my mom has still not called. I'm screwed. BIG. TIME. Ryan has given Cassie the trip money from his account.

I used 63 dollars to get some food in the house. My home owners insurance that automatically comes out, of course, came out, leaving me minus 11 bucks when all the checks are returned and still no pay til Friday. Can we all say a silent prayer that someone takes a week to turn one of my checks in?

I am fuming, but am determined to not ask them for anything. My dad is still dropping off work for me to do and after I get in this pile of bills, I am done. DONE!!

Done with being their pretend burden, done with having my other kids ignored, done with trying to be a good daughter and not saying anything about all this "bend over and take it up the ass and be happy about it, you ungrateful freeloader".

The hell with that shit....put a fork in me and while you're at it, can you pull the knife out of my back?

Ear Issues

A few weeks ago, my left ear was bleeding. It did not hurt, so I figured that some water got in there, messed junk up and it was just some type of wound that would heal.

It takes a lot to get me to a doctor, mostly cause I hate'em, but also cause I do not have the patience to sit and wait for their slow asses. Also, sitting in a room trying to avoid eye contact with 20 other people tends to freak me out a little too.

Then, two or three days ago, after the left ear was no longer bleeding, but itching like a mofo, something went wrong with the right ear. I woke up and the pain was severe. My whole outer eye, inner ear, jaw line, neck and the back of my head was ouching like no other ouchy ever in that area. I felt run down and ill. I felt like I was walking in holes and my balence was off. By Friday morning, I knew a doctor visit was unavoidable.

I did what I do, waited a day to see if maybe it would just ,you know, go away on its own. Saturday morning came and I was all fevered and having chills. Yep, no getting around it, I had to go to the dreaded urgent care office.

The right ear was very inflamed, but he definitely saw infection in the middle and outer ear and the left ear was not looking so normal either. I had a fever and felt like shit as I waited 3 and a half hours to just come out with some antibiotics and eardrops. There was also a very unfortunate scale issue that I am not even going to get started on, cause their scale is such a liar!!

Bob worked throughout the entire ordeal of me wanting nothing more than to lay down and be on strike from, "Mommy, I HunGee", "Mommy, I wanna WATCH SpongeBOB!" and the zillion other mommy requests. I had to go to the drugstore to get some last minute items for Cassie's beach trip and other children hung out expecting me to prepare food, but luckily we had none..so they stood there waiting for food money.

Bob was supposed to be on vacation and NEVER goes on a call out when on vacation, but just as he does, when I need him most for back up, he books. By 5pm last night, I was struggling to stay awake. I drifted off a few times, but Cassie tormenting Brooke, for my benefit and frustration, kept the noise level just high enough to prevent any actual sleeping. She can be helpful like that.

So, today the meds are kicking in, fever and chills seem to be gone and now only my ear hurts, but the neck, jaw, back of head thing feels okay. The ear infection is healing, but that scale issue is still festering!

I'm Getting Laid

OFF.

From my job. My fabulous ,work at home, never get to leave the house, job! I don't whether to cry or do cartwheels.

Anyhow, I might work a bit this week and next and then I will be offically finished unless some sort of miracle changes the trucking company I work for and we recover from the loss of our biggest customer. Don't see that happening.....ever.

Part of me feels some relief, while the other knows that being at a home with a toddler and no money is still pretty much being stuck. Who can win? You work everyday=stuck. Lose your job and have all the time in the world, but no funds to gas up the car=stuck.

Things would not have been so bad if we had not sold to, and brought from, some pretty unreliable people. We got one side with a person never wanting to make the payment on time and another who will not pay their portion of the payment, due to back taxes.

I can just see how it went down. The heavens looked upon us and saw that we were going to be in a better situation and then all these calls started, faxes, and chaos, because , " NO!! Remember we make it all hard on THEM..this can't happen!!".

They crunched some numbers, added some more up and came up with "make that buyer never pay and make that seller walk away from her part of the payment, so they can pretty much be back to where they were before....you know, up shit creek without a paddle?? Yeah, that should do it. No, wait, go ahead and take her job too. Okay, perfect!".

Ryan's laptop was killed in an unfortunate accident that no one remembers. It was a total loss....so a thousand bucks down the drain and it was just a pup, we got it last October.

When it rains, it pours.

Ah Blah!

Tonight was the final fireworks display and Brooke is fireworked out! She did not wiggle or jump about like she did the last 3 or4 days, she did not scream "ah boom!!", she did not shout the colors of each one, and she was not really excited in the least tonight. She mentioned how tired she was though, several times.

The fireworks from our new house were awesome. We had the perfect view and the show was really good. But, like Brooke, I am worn out too. So, off to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Fireworks.

Last night we sat out in front of the house with Brooke and saw a few firework shows in the distance. One was across the river and behind a hill, but we could see the high ones that reached above the hill and she was so excited! Now I can't wait for her to see our town's fireworks tomorrow night, up close!

As each one lit up the sky, she wiggled and jumped in excitement. She would say "Mommy, see dat firework, dat one green!!!!". Bob and I could not stop laughing at her, it was so sweet to watch how something so simple brought her so much pleasure and excitement. God, how I miss that feeling, I thought, but then I realized watching her was my excitement now. No, I didn't jump and wiggle but my face hurt from smiling and laughing for so long. She was hilarious.

After the firework excitement, she watched cartoons and fell asleep. Bob and I decided to just chill out and have a few beers in the rec room. We made up a new drinking game. We kept switching from the 70's and 80's TV music station and we would have to close our eyes and guess the year the song came out. You had to take a swig for each year you were off, apparently I am bad at this game, cause I was feeling pretty buzzed by bedtime. I held my own in the 80's music, but the 70's were more challenging than I thought. I kept taking the easy , odds route and guessing 1975. The odds were not in my favor much.

Bob was even worse at the game and eventually wondered upstairs to pass out. I put in Ryan's memory tape and watched him grow up before my eyes as I drifted off to sleep, remembering when my, now 19 year old, used to jump and wiggle over fireworks too.

Where does the time go? Weep, weep.