Monday, March 26, 2007

The Truth

Ryan was home all week, which is especially exciting for Brooke. She loves to have her fun, big brother home and it usually requires me to have to explain some life lesson to her after exposure.

The other night she was in his room and I heard lots of giggles as she would come out and say "Ryan said a bad word" every few minutes. I went in to see what this was all about and he said she was saying the ol' H-E- double toothpicks over and over and reporting back to me that Ryan was saying it, but that he actually started it when she walked in by saying, "Hey, what da hell up?" Me asking Ryan caused her to hide her face under the blankets, cause she was so busted. I asked, "Brooke, is Ryan saying the bad word now or is BROOKE?". She would hide again and say "Ryan". Time for a little lesson on the difference between a lie and the truth.

I sat explaining over and over again that a lie was when you did not tell what really happened and the truth was when you did. So, after each time I changed the wording to see if she got it, I would ask her to please tell the truth. She would say, "Ryan said it". This went on for about ten minutes and I was starting to stress thinking that she just would not tell the truth. Today it is a bad word, tomorrow who knows??

I finally used the birthday threat, which comes in handy in many situations, "Children that tell lies can't have a birthday party. Now tell mommy the truth.". Since she is within weeks of a birthday and this sounded serious to a person about to turn 4, she sat up said "Okay, then!", as she crossed her arms and lowered her lip in pout, "Ryan said one twewff and I said lots of twewffs!!!!!".

Okay, so she actually told the twewff, but has no idea what the word means.......

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Moment of Silence Please

I had a serious computer crash and have been mourning the loss of all my crap on that old computer, that prolly crashed cause it was so full of my crap. All my programs, pictures, access as my old trusty sits disconnected from power. May it rest in peace.....

I am using my Dad's old work computer with Windows 98 and I forgot how much I missed that "illegal operation" message..NOT. It is slow and a sad substitute for ol' Delly, but we will get through this....we have to.

The past week has been a rough one, not only because of the crash, but because other areas of my life seem to be crashing with even more devastating results. Teenage girls.....hard, exhausting, hurtful, destructive, heart breaking, and did I mention exhausting?

Sometimes in life, especially with children, the results of the things you have done or not done only become apparent after it is too late to fix them. Sometimes you wonder if doing something different would have changed it all anyway. You raise the first ones and get them out there and feel pretty good about what they have accomplished and who they are and you think you are pretty special and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. If it all did not fall into place, you might be picking apart their past and wondering what you did to screw them up.

I used to take comfort in the fact that I was always doing the best I could at any given time with whatever situation I found myself in and I thought with that alone, it would all work out for the best. Now, I am left with wondering what to do when your best is just not enough.

I watch Cassie make mistake after mistake and I want to jump into her head and have her see the reality of the world and yet we live in worlds 26 years apart and I can't go back and she can't come forward. We both ache to be heard but can't because we don't speak the language and sit dumbfounded at the words of one another.

We did go to wing night, the whole fam damily. Ryan, Travis and I played pool and darts. I lost at everything and still managed to have the greatest time. It almost made up for the 30 minute fight before we left that ended in us almost dragging Cassie to the car, cause she was "so not going". That was easier than packing the keyboards and phones into the trunk. We knew her angle there and being grounded from both, she saw opportunity.

When we got home we watched American Idol, all together, as the dog ran in circles and cracked us all up and Brooke tried to learn to ride a bike in the rec room. Between the dog springing from one couch to the other and Brooke crashing into the same ones, it was funny and entertaining and just what I needed as a small vacation from everything that is wrong right now.

Ryan and I made french toast at 1230am and it seemed like the perfect end to an imperfect day.......until Cassie, who went to bed 2 hours before, ran up into the kitchen at 1am, when all the food was gone, screaming..."I want some PANCAKES too!!!"

I told her to get to bed and was not lying a bit when I said, "We don't have any more pancakes".....cause we never did.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Yard Ornaments

Have you ever rode by one of those houses with all the psychotic decorations in the yard?? They have flamingos, spinning daisies, all sorts of cute little animal statues and anything else they could find to clutter up their yard.

I almost became one of those people!

It started innocently enough as I brought a few Easter/Spring-like decorations out. I had a bag of colored plastic eggs that I had added string to and hung from the two bushes out front last year. Brooke was eager to help and I noticed many eggs were stringless, so to keep her out of my hair I suggested she fill each one with a rock and scatter them in the space between the two bushes, where the tulips are starting to bud.

The next thing I know I am at the dollar store, in the outside ornament aisle. I understand these people now. They are not crazy, they are bored. Crazy, "I will take on any useless project and totally over do it", bored!! That crazy indoor cleaning, I was so done with that...nothing left but the outdoors!

I was walking in some sort of spinning daisy nutcase trance, as I picked up pink and purple flowers on a stick that would match my extremely original Easter color motif. I picked up two frogs on a bench holding a lovely spring bouquet, some more frogs, a cute little bunny, a male and female child in spring clothes, each holding a welcome sign and some fake stones with religious stuff written on them. (Easter IS religious, thus fitting into the Easter/Spring theme).

Brooke, simultaneously, was putting her own stuff in the cart. Just as I caught her dropping two sandal shaped notepads in, I noticed she had a purple ball, a pink bunny and a purple and yellow horse head on a stick!! It was like the toy equivalent of my yard ornament quest!!!! I was horrified! It was just enough to knock the sense back into me and empty the cart, except for the purple ball and the horse head on a stick thingy, cause she was all crying for those.....

I left with just an outside folding loveseat and even managed to get the toilet paper I forgot at the grocery store. Not one yard thing, but I totally might go back for the frogs on the bench, cause I love frogs and one more frog in the yard is not like a disorder, right?

Of course repainting the birdhouse on the porch with a nail polish brush might be...............

Monday, March 05, 2007

Oh, Rosie

I am so obsessed with my watching of "The Secret" that I think about it constantly and, in thinking about it, see the way I do attract the crap into my life. Learning a lesson does not necessarily help you change it all. That is the part that takes all the work. Hard, hard work.

I watch Rosie O'Donnell and see the opposite of the secret in action, even though I believe she is a good person with only the best intentions in mind. I watch her put out the things she most wants to end. She wants to help with a movement to impeach Bush and spews hate towards him with her words and writings constantly. She wants to end conflict with more conflict. If conflict is what she sends out, it is the only thing she will ever get back.

To work towards a cause is admirable, but to do it in the absolute wrong way is why people say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Her ways are like correcting a child for hitting his friend by hitting him. The way we live our life changes the world, not our anger and rage.

Anyone with even one other family member realizes that peace is not a true possibility, let alone in the worldwide sense. That cause for which one would defend, another would die on the front lines to change. It will always be that way. Not once, in the history, present or future of the world, will every human stand in agreement about ANYTHING, EVER.

One person could anger you to the core telling the evils of what a president has done to their life by the actions they took while another could step up a minute later and tell you why that same action saved their life, touching your heart and making you realize that everything that ever happens is both right and wrong depending on the outcome for each person individually.

When people present something to you with too much anger, their message becomes just anger. So that what they wish to convey is useless because who they are speaks so loud you can't even hear what they are saying. Anger, insults, rage, conflict, intolerance and failing to accept the views of anyone else will never inspire anyone, nor will it magically change into peace and acceptance. You cannot mix garbage in your blender and expect to get a chocolate milkshake.

So, Rosie, if you want all the things you say you want then take some positive action. Love even your enemy, forgive yourself for your mistakes and forgive others that make them too. Live a peaceful and loving life and watch those things come back to you. When Elisabeth has an opposite view, love that in America we can have them, even if we disagree with every fiber of our being. When you feel gays are being bashed, don't give someone a reason to bash some more. That Clay thing, yeah, that was not good. If a straight person had done the same thing and disrespected a host in that way, would you have been so angry? Would you have been so angry if she did it to President Bush? Or would you have applauded it?

If peace and harmony, in a realistic sense, is what you want, then live that way. You would inspire more people supporting our troops without disrespecting a job, leader and cause they believe in, accepting Elisabeth's comments without insult, living a life that promotes gay rights, not by conflict, but by example and showing support to a wronged person instead of insulting the wrongee right back.

Everything you wish for this world is what you need to be doing in your own life. Start there. Turn it around and start practicing what you preach. If you truly want to change the world, start with yourself. You have a great opportunity and you are just abusing the power in your hands. I can only inspire a small number, you could inspire millions. The conflict in your head right now is making it known that you are walking down the wrong path. You say you have not forgiven yourself for the comments to Elisabeth, while she has said she has forgiven you.

Start today, forgive yourself and do better. Everything that you want is worthy and people will hear you when you convey it with actions and not angry words.

Why am I writing an open letter to Rosie that she will never read?? Maybe because, on a smaller scale, I am just like that. Most of us are just like that. We scream for change while doing everything to prevent it.

Brooke came home from her christian preschool all upset the other day. She is afraid of God and doesn't want to go "up in da sky" ever. She said they told her God wants to give her peace and she "don't wanna a piece" because she can't figure out what he wants to give her a piece of, but if it is that living in the sky forever thing, she "don't want it". So, at this tender age, the world is on their shoulders., that fear of dying and learning about this higher power that wants you to come home someday and all you want is Mommy and Daddy forever when you are three years old.

Sometimes the truth is just too much, whether it is about heaven or the conflicts of the world with all the conspiracy theories and wrong happenings every second. Sometimes, in a world of constant chaos, we just need to feel safe and loved. We need someone to tell us it is okay to forget about all those pressing matters and just be happy for what we have in this second, a warm place to cuddle and unlimited showings of Blue's Clues on demand..........

Thursday, March 01, 2007

No Title, Cause Whatever.............

I have been so busy doing nothing that it frightens me. PMS took a strong hold this week and I thought it was winding into a "who cares about this dump" sort, but instead it took a swift turn on Tuesday and I, not only cleaned the house, but the back patio.

Now, you would have to see the "before" of the patio because it somehow became Bob's tool shed, lawn equipment storage, garbage dump, and the new home of anything else that got in his way in the house. There were lots of extension cords. I mean lots! Mostly of the bright orange variety, I believe they were from the outdoor Christmas lights, and he had a whole rubbermaid, circular bucket thingy full of them. I also found a couple bags that he was to take to the Salvation Army.......2 months ago.

I can only imagine what our neighbors must have been saying as they passed each other coming in and out of their homes. We are still fairly new to the neighborhood, as we have been here just one year, and the fear the patio must have brought to them makes me feel sad and yet slightly amused. The fifty piles of dogshit in the yard could not have helped the situation either. I cleaned those up too and the piles and piles of dead leaves from LAST FALL. The back of the house is officially clutter and shit free. It took a lot of muscle and an inhaler may have come in handy as PMS directed me up and down the steps to the garbage cans over and over.

The last two days I have done "checks" on the patio. I fear the free space will encourage him to move other junk out there now. I am on full PMS patrol now.

I was feeling kind of out of sorts and somewhat crazy with my PMS, but thanks to Britney I will be able to feel better about myself whenever I get that tiny little voice in my head that says "I am going to lose my mind!!" Cause, damn, girl, you make me feel so sane.

They are now calling this a possible case of post partum depression. I would agree only if you add several drugs and a big pinch of bipolar disorder.

Now for safety reasons only, and the fact that the last time I said something bad about Brit, several similiar type things happened to me, I wanna say that she looks great and I hope she has a full and speedy recovery.