Injured List

I knew that sleeping on the couch would get me sooner or later, especially our new couch that makes it feel like you are slanting towards the floor. It is not long enough for my body and the back pillows are too fluffy and in the way.

A few nights ago I started waking up in pain and then searching the house for a place to sleep. Brooke usually ends up in the bedroom with Bob, but maybe she is learning how someone snoring, rolling up in all the covers and breathing like the elephant man make for a tough slumber. This meant, my back up sleep area, her room, was out. The futons in the rec room are too hard and hurt my hips and I realized that I am stuck on the couch forever, possibly.

This is very bad because I woke up yesterday with a sore neck, which turned into an inability to turn my neck to the right at all by 4pm. I then started having pain that traveled from my neck to my right shoulder and arm. Lifting my arm caused shooting pains through neck, shoulder and down top of arm....by 8pm the arm was no longer working and from positioning of the bum arm, started going numb and tingling.

I , again, ended up on couch last night for lack of any alternatives and have ruined my body forever and forever. I'm sure of it. I tossed and turned the whole night trying to get into any position that did not kill my neck and arm, which was not possible, got very little sleep and woke up with pain that was worse and now bad back pain too!!!! (Which I totally blame the pain in the neck for...not Bob, but the actual pain in neck. But then he did not offer to give me the bed because his sleep is more important than anyone else's and he "just requires more than the average person"..so, okay, I blame both pains in the neck).

I have to work Saturday for like a gazillion straight hours, well 10, but it requires arm movement and turning of the neck, so now I am all freaked out that I will be all annoying with my shooting pain and my 5000 "ouches" when someone talks to me from the right and I forget about how turning it makes me scream, "Ouch!!".

I did get, from MBGFB, a cozy pair of flannel jammies that I am quite pleased with, a nice visit and Ryan came home for a few hours in the afternoon and was in a really funny mood...so all was not horrible.

Brooke is sick AGAIN with allergy type stuff and a fever, so I see a doctor visit in my plans for the day and I imagine I will be using search engines to look up things like "Help, my neck hurts", "OUCH, my neck!!!", and "Remedies for breathing like the elephant man".

Grrrrrrrr.........

I wrote more mean letters to Ryan's coaches and got a response this time. Some letter about how they want him to stay and it would be a great loss to the W&J football team. How, I am not sure, cause if he is such "an outstanding athlete", why is he on the sidelines and how is that a loss??

Hate 'em!!

I remember when I used to be a lover and not a fighter. I treasure those 15 minutes of my life.

I just feel angry right now and anger has nowhere to go but deeper inside where it eats you alive. I know this and yet cannot stop it from happening at the moment. I'm mad about the Ryan situation, my situation, the kid's situations, and just about everything else. This too shall pass and hopefully VERY soon.

Brooke is in a very good mood today, which is helping considerably. She is singing with the Wonder Pets and giggling. It is almost 2pm and not one hairy fit yet!! That almost makes up for the entire, large cappachino that I spilled on my bedroom carpet that is still lurking there under a large towel I threw on it. Bob spotted the towel, came in all disgusted like and said, "Did SOMEONE spill SOMETHING on the carpet??!!??".

Long claws grew from my fingernails, fangs came out and the most evil look had to be on my face as I said, "YES.....I DID". He backed up slowly, his demeanor went from one of disgust to one of fear and he let out a very "cool with him, I am not starting anything, we all make mistakes, it is fine, greater than fine, perfectly wonderful",

"Okay".

He can be very intelligent when you least expect it.

So, I plan on spending the rest of the afternoon pampering myself with a total body, skin exfoliation, that has nothing to do with Cassie saying, "Your skin looks all shiny and scaly and like, old".

Thanks and No Thanks

To all my friends and family I want to say have a wonderful holiday and I hope you know how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Thanks to my long distances friends (B. and L.) for the wonderful trips down memory lane whenever we talk and how it seems like no time has passed at all. No thanks for leaving me back here in the land of no opportunity!

Thanks to K. (MBGFB) for being you and not only understanding everything I go through, but for being 100% on my side, always supporting me and just for all the times when we hang out around the house doing nothing. No thanks for helping me think up that hot fudge ice cream cake idea, that I had again last night and am developing a few extra rolls. Cake. Bad.

Thanks to S. for helping me see the other side of things, how comical it all can be and for being my H word partner, what a pain in the ass. No thanks for sending me that blog, cause, damn, that shit tore me up.

Thanks J. for listening to all my crap on a daily basis and still actually wanting to talk to me. I couldn't make it without ya. No thanks for not finding my credit card and making me walk around all day looking for circular things with junk hanging down. (HeHe).

Thanks to R and AhJ for being the laugh I always need. No thanks for the smothered chicken recipe which I now refer to as "IBS chicken".

To my kids, Ryan, Travis, Cassie and Brooke...Thanks for being my babies and making me proud. And thanks for always making life exciting and no thanks for always making life a little too exciting at times.

Ditto that for my entire family.

Happy Turkey Day all!!!!

The Weekend in Review

Friday: Cramps, irritabilty, making food for Ohio State game. General whininess and misery.

Saturday: Cramps turning by evening to OMG, my back is broken and my ankles are swollen and so sore, can barely walk...Game, acting like I am not in pain, entertaining others, preparing food for others, leaving others in rec room watching game as I fall face first into bed and snooze a bit before work at 9pm. Go to work and pray for police raid so as I can just go home and whine comfortably about my back and ankles...doesn't happen.

Sunday: Go to bed so, so late, wake up way, way too early, go back to bed, wake back up, rinse and repeat til 10 am. Check ankles and right one is green and bluish, hurts BAD, try and stretch back, fear I may never be able to move normally again, start self-loathing over why I am such a disease and then off to bedroom for a lazy, lay around, clicking through channels kind of day. Sent Bob and the girls away to the store for a break and to fetch me some much needed PMS minus the P chocolate. Currently waiting on chocolate,must lay back down and hoping that the chocolate will make it all better. Just as chocolate should.

Photo Evidence

I was looking at pictures when I found this one from a college formal. I had just turned 19 years old and I noticed a weird thing about pictures of myself. I always look the same to me. Maybe it is some middle age denial, but I don't look at that and think, "Wow, I was just a baby back then..look how young I look!".

To anyone else, they would see the difference and how I have aged, just as I look at pictures of my parents from when I was in school and think how I do not remember them ever looking that young.

BUT THEN!! My theory was blown when I found this picture taken this past April, exactly 20 years later... and did the unthinkable...placed them side by side!! Oh, the cruelness of it all!

Now, I was NEVER one to take a good picture. Cameras are not my friend and never have been, but besides the fact that I always look really different and out of proportion to myself in photos, there is no mistaking what happened in this picture. I GOT OLDER!! I LOOK OLDER!! OMG, WHO IS THAT???

I even found a picture that was taken right inbetween, well, close, 9 years ago in 1997 at a steakfry.

So, we have 1986, 1997 and 2006 and there is no denying it now. I'm not aging quite as gracefully as I had hoped I was and, you know, that hurts. Really hurts.

Now I have spent the morning thinking about bangs and if that is the key to looking younger, or could it be big hair and high bangs? Is it my long hair, and I am too old for such long hair, that is messing me up? Or could it be all that plus, spending the last several years in a worried face frown, being too stressed too often and 20 years passing? Either way, I feel PMS coming on and I just did not need to see this all today.

I am going to go roll in a ball now and cry like a baby and jump head first into "the midlife crisis from hell" for an "older woman" that is going to turn 40 next year. FOR!! TEE!!!

And to the snotty, young checkout people at Kroger's....please, just for a few months, do me a favor....STOP CALLING ME MA'AM!!!

I'm a Sucker

for the holidays. As soon as they start putting those decorations out in October, they have me hook, line and sinker. I get that warm, fuzzy feeling and start to smile for no good reason, other than the cute little snowmen in a neighbor's yard. I love it all. The music playing in the store, the overcrowded aisles of Christmas stuff, and the baking junk moved to the front of Krogers..it all makes me happy.

I start searching for the Christmas specials on TV. I love "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolph" and that one with Heat and Snow Miser.."I'm too much...Bah dump dump dump". Oh, and "Little Drummer Boy", when that lamb gets hit and sniffle, sniffle, its the most wondrful time of the year......

I start playing my Johnny Mathis CD and I think back over so many great Christmas memories, like when I got the Barbie Cruise Ship and the slippers with doggie faces on them. I remember how good the house smelled as my mom baked cookies and delicious, comfort meals and how we would get that long vacation from school and sled ride down the church steps by the ballpark.

No matter how old I get, I am 7 years old again at Christmas. The only difference is I get to give the presents and that makes it even more fun! Sure, it is stressful trying to even things out with the kids and all the worry over finances and junk, but it is so worth it to me.

My absolute favorite thing is the tree and all the ornaments over the years that the kids have made or picked out, those "baby's first Christmas" ones and all the little toy soliders, the log birdhouse one that Ryan insists on hanging every year.....it makes me wanna dig out the tree right now!

I see all those people that already have their decorations out and their tree in the window and I realize that I could never do it that early, but that first weekend in December, (Yee HEE HEE) I will be doing my own decorating and I can hardly wait. Johnny will be in the background singing.."Walkin' in a winter wonderland.....", my kids will roll their eyes at me as I sing along and I will be fine with it, cause Christmas is coming!!!

Happy Birthday Travis!

Dear Travis,

As your 18th birthday approaches, I am reminded of all the memories of your childhood and how I sit in shock at how fast time passes. The first look I had a look at you while still in my belly, the first time I saw you and how I was so thrilled to be your mom.

Those "standout" moments, good and bad, replay in my mind. The first time I had to take you to daycare, and everyday after, that you cried for me as I pulled away and had my heart ripped right out of my chest as I watched you in the window waving furiously, trying to be brave through the tears. You were just about to turn three and all I wanted to do was be there with you.

I remember you in little league, that skinny, almost anorexic -like body that looked so frail and yet could throw a fast ball like no one else, how you hit all those homeruns and won trophies at St.C. I remember your bologna phase, when all you would eat was sandwiches morning, noon and night and how many visits to the doctor we had over it. They said you would grow out of it or certainly tire of bologna, but I had my doubts. You did eventually, but it seemed like forever.

I remember moments of pride as you accomplished little milestones, made friends and took pride in so many things that may have not seemed so important to others, but where everything to you. I think of my life when it was just the three of us, and you and Ryan would run around the house for hours, loudly chasing one another as I sat and crammed for exams and took a few breaks just to laugh at the two of you.

All the times when my heart was breaking for you when things did not go your way, when I had to say no to something you wanted and when you were so mad at me for it, and how I hoped one day you might understand why.

Through the teenage years,you spent so much time in your room, away from us and I wanted so much to have you there next to me and yet, wanted you to feel like you could be alone if that is what you needed. I still am not sure if that was good or bad and you still tend to go off on your own so much, but I understand. I always will and though it is normal to seperate from your parents during this stage in your life, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, always support you in anything and even though you pride yourself on your independence, I hope you also take advantage of relying on others sometimes too. You would never have to look far, I promise you that.

I hope you get everything you wish to get from life and I will always be there to share in your successes and your downfalls and I will love you through it all, no matter what. My precious baby, have a wonderful birthday.

Love,

Mom

Just for the Record

(Warning: This post may cause cavities)

I just have to say as I browse through recent titles, that I am not such a downer in real life. I laugh a lot, every single day,about, well, just about everything. But I'm fun. I AM!!

Its seems I use my blog to vent about the things that are wrong and the major thing that is wrong right now is the house and money situation, but my life is so much more than those setbacks.

I have great friends and I love people and people love me back and my kids are fabulous sometimes too. My family is entertaining and my life started in chaos and continues there. It is not always such a bad thing, it feels like home to me by now. I love the constant issues that arise when you have a houseful and even though I bitch about it, I wouldn't really have it any other way. Well, I might opt for a day or two off every year or two, but I fear the quiet would be deafening.

I love that my kids are quirky, goofy and complex even when it feels like hell sometimes. I like spunky and spirited. It keeps life exciting. Being teenagers is a tough business, we have all been there, we just forget sometimes. Ryan only has a few months left as a teenager even!!! It seems I pinch myself daily as I think about him turning 20 and me turning 40 next year.

Speaking of which, VH1 had the top 100 songs of the 80's and "Livin' on a Prayer" was number one!! The number one song when Ryan was born!!! I cannot hear that song without remembering that time in my life, a time when everything changed. He is now the age I was when he was born and I cannot even imagie that. I feel for my 19 year and 11 month old self, not so much for what I missed, but how I could never have imagined how different my life would be from all my friends that were still off at college. But all these years later, I do not feel shorted at all, I just feel blessed.

Love is a funny thing. It changes through the years and romantic love takes a backseat to farmiliarality and a comfort zone, but the love for your children, just as it multiplies for each new life you bring into this world, it deepens over time and becomes the very fiber of your being.

So, even when things are not going so well, I still laugh everyday, love everyday and feel blessed to have all the special people that are in my life. Whether I see or talk to them daily, weekly, or even yearly, they are never far because I think about them all the time and how knowing them has made my life so much richer.

Though I may vent a lot about the bad stuff, I never forget all the wonderful people in my life or the riches I do have that have nothing to do with money at all.

I Ain't Sayin Imma Gold Digger...

I remember when I was young and one of my best friend's mom's would always be all, "This guy you're dating....what are his future plans..what does he intend to do with his life.... is a college education in the future...what sort of income level does his family fall in to... seriously, what is his future potential???".

We thought she was so whacked at the time. I mean, geeze, I am 16 and my future plans stopped past the "I am definitely planning on kissing him and if things work out, possibly letting him touch my boobs over my sweater". Also, in the 80's, we were all about taking care of ourselves. We could be the doctors and lawyers and have kids and a mansion and be able to do it all. I mean, "I am WOMAN, hear me roar and shit. We were dumb like that.

Now I see the massive importance in those questions. Once those babies start coming, you don't wanna be working 60 hours a week, bringin' home the bacon, fryin' it up in a pan and never, never letting him forget he's a man. (They left out the kids in that one and the fact that man worshipping was so 1950's).

You start even looking at your son's romantic interests and hoping they pick a well-adjusted, career-minded, level-headed, mentally stable, intelligent, college bound, full of potential gal...... you know, the thing Mom thought she was and totally was not.

A part of me still wants to be all those things and a part of me wants to be "taken care of", as in, makes lots of money and take all my worries away while I raise your kids, keep the place fairly clean and put in 15 hours of shopping a week. All of a sudden, none of that seems too much to ask. That whole "I am Woman" thing, yeah, I am so over that.

Even making the lots of money part isn't as important as make enough to not have to struggle, be able to take a few vacations here and there, go to bed at night knowing no one is going to call about late payments and just enjoy life without having to merely survive it.

The problem with that silly idea, I think that came in the 70's, that love can conquer all, is not realistic. If you fall in love with the gas station attendant, cause he looks so hot and has that really cute butt and damn, can he kiss good, you think that the love will make it all worth it. You nobly state that you would rather be with the man you love than have all the money in the world. And, hell, you can work too. Then you have gas station attendant jr and responsibilites and urges to be with your kids that you never dreamed would be so giant. You're exhausted and overwhelmed. All of a sudden the gas guy is just a lazy, worthless man ruining your chance at happiness. Enter resentment and did he ever really kiss that good anyway??

So, I believe what used to be called a gold digger is just a really smart woman using sense beyond her years. Unless, of course, she goes after an old, wrinkly 90 year old millionaire that may be on his way out. Cause, ewwwwwww. Girls need to look ahead like that. Life is not fair, epsecially as a girl, because you will statistically have 80% of the responsibility concerning your kids and your house. Sure, men think they help, but between you and I, it ain't all that much and they get so much credit for so little. Totally not fair.

Trust me, gals, take your time, ask those questions and realize that a guy with potential can learn to kiss good too.

Layers of Worry

This whole land contractee leaving has set off a sprint into financial disaster and I am so tired of worrying about it all. Making those past payments have just killed my already nonsufficient budget and to make matters worse, Christmas is coming so soon!

My lack of motivation may be just my shock at just how bad it has gotten and I am in a frozen state of "OMG, How will I ever dig myself out of this one???!!??" I have stopped answering my phone for the most part and since I have several applications out there, I allow Brooke to answer calls. She started off just wanting to answer the phone, but then I saw how wonderful it was for her to hang up on the bill collectors without me ever having to hear their voices. Basically, if she doesn't hear anything after saying "Hello", she says it one more time, then hangs up and tells me, "Nobody dare". I have gotten all too familiar with that long pause before the collectors ask for us. Thank Goodness Brooke does not have the patience to say "hello" four or five times cause that is the average amount of times before they connect usually.

Thirty nine years old, umemployed, sinking in debt ....this is not the life I imagined at all. Hell, it could not be further from it. Why did bad luck have to be such a big part of my life and how do I turn that around? What now? Should I hop on a plane to another country? Why am I so afraid of planes??? These are among the gazillion questions that go through my mind all day, every day. I'm so tired.

Thank God for my great friends, wonderful children and my ability to go numb in a crisis. Without those things, I am not sure I could make it. I still have high hopes for 2007. I'm such a sucker!

When Boredom Sets In....

My motivation is still on critically low. The problem is that when you feel like doing nothing, you can get quite bored. As I sit without the will to do anything too physical, I have found creative ways to occupy my time.

The other day I tore gum wrappers into tiny strips and braided them, but yesterday I went to search my adult ADD....yes, again, that I am convinced I have whenever this particular mood hits, and when you start any search with "adult", you get some interesting sites. I found horny matches.com and that became a good hour or two of looking for people in my area, trying to recognize anyone that would be so....ummm...weird and horny to post a picture and ask for sex.

Unfortunately, most of the profile pics are of a certain area that I would not easily recognize the person unless I had a lights on, passionate fling with them. But some posted pictures of their other head and I still did not seem to know anyone. It was hours of fun and fascination just reading profiles though. I highly recommend this activity for a rainy day.

While talking with some friends, I analyzed why men are so icky when it comes to sex. We discussed why they would get the idea that posting a picture of their nekkid package would actually turn a women on, cause that thing goes inside for a good reason....so you don't have to look at it for too long!! Sorry, guys, it just ain't perty. But those adult sites always have this theme of "Look at this trashy, scumbag, ho' get it from both ends". I mean, what the hell is that and why is that so sexually exciting to men? I cannot imagine going to a porno site to look at men that was all.."Look at this homeless, toothless, unemployed, bastard get penis ambushed." Nope, not making me hot at all.................In fact, pass the bucket NOW!

Today's boredom activity: Pogo spades and then maybe a nap. And maybe, just, maybe...another browse through horny matches...I did get quite a few winks on my fake profile that gave "prefer not to answer" to every single question. Guys seem to like brainless girls, especially if they are also, like, you know, shameless sluts too.