2010

This is year is going well so far and not for the reasons one would normally think.. I am in still in near financial disaster, my car broke down, I have had to have a handful of tests(with no results yet), but its just better because I'm handling it.

PMS is coming up, so I realize this will all feel much worse in the following days, but at least I can identify why. I just feel more hopeul this year and ready to face things more, things I have avoided facing for too long. Nothing so mysterious really, just daily junk.

I'm thankful for the people that choice to show up in my life everyday and for the support they give me. I'm lucky to have them. I'm accepting of those that don't because we all have our own road to walk down and we need diferent things at different times. Its all okay.

Last night we had a disaster of a sleepover and I was trembling by the time the child actually left at 11pm. I was certain I was going to need medical attention, it was so stressful for so many hours and we were feeling bad about ending it, but then the point came, and not nearly soon enough, to say "enough is enough!". There are things I need to say to those parents and I should of said them before, but my anger was never in the right place. It was either too high or too calmed down to really let them know what I was thinking and what I will tolerate from this day forward. I plan on calling today with the right amount of assertiveness to not appear to be a bully towards their child, but to not excuse they hideous behavior anymore.

I think I will get on that right now.

All Cleaned Up, Almost.

Never have I wanted to take the Christmas stuff down more. I usually wait until after New Year's Day and I probably will again this year, but I want order back for some reason. Since I felt it would be wrong to deChristmatize so early, I worked on Brooke's room instead. I went through everything and got rid of anything she gave me permission to get rid of and I organized all her things, old and new. It may only last a day or two, but it made me feel better. I even ran to the store for socks because all of the unmatching ones disturbed me so greatly that I had to throw them awaY and replace them with new matching socks. I bought 16 pair. I also bought new undies for her too, just because they were cute.

I want to start on my room now because it is the catch all. Everything that doesn't have a home and several random tv's are just sitting in there. Yes, tv's. Every time someone gets a new flatscreen, they put the old dinosaur tv in my room. There are four in there now and one big one in the laundry room. Counting the other tv's in the house, we now have eleven. Its ridiculous and embarrassing. Tv's must go. Plus, I need that closet space back.

I'm tired of walking by the kitchen and eating cookies too. Cookies must go.

Brooke is so entertained with her movies, it has been such a nice, quiet day. I am trying to get all her laundry finished and then I will start on everyone else's. Its all excitement around here, all the time.

I'm thinking about cleaning myself up too and going out for a few hours. Then, I think about it and don't really wanna go. I think I will go just for that reason. This year I want to clean up a lot of things in my life. Somewhere along the line I have gotten so routine and overwhelmed at the same time. The overwhelm comes partly from the nothing new of it all. I need to try and do things I don't do anymore. Going out and seeing some old friends would probably be a good start.

Maybe I will go.....

Merry Christmas

Well, I got an hour of sleep last night. Brooke woke up at 4am, but I managed to get her to lay down with me til almost 7am, that is when we heard Cassie banging on the door. I never went back to sleep, but after all the food was prepared and we ate at 230, I, foggy and dazed, found my way to the bedroom, got under the covers and the next thing I remember I was waking up at about 530 in the evening. There was company and lots of noise. I snuck down the hall, brushed my teeth, and came out all cranky. The company did not stay long. I felt bad.

Even in all the insanity of my holiday, it was still nice. My parents came over for a bit and the food turned out delicious. It was nice just being home. We played lots of game and set up lots of toys and Brooke seemed thrilled with everything. Ryan, Brooke and I watched a movie in his room and Travis was almost pleasant. Cassie, well, she was Cassie and left again.

I'm already planning tomorrow and how I have to clear this place. The after Christmas mess can be so overwhelming, but maybe its meant to be that way because it makes me feel all "I gotta get this place organized!!" and that is definitely a good thing. I hope I still feel that way when I wake up!

I had a few glasses of wine and feel nice and relaxed, and ready for a good sleep. Nite....

I Wish...

Its 1:16 am on Christmas Eve and Cassie is not here. I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Maybe its not the best place to vent, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for her and she doesn't want that help or maybe can't even take it. I wish I knew that......which it is.

I have been told she has a handful of disorders and that she has little control over what she does to us and what she puts us through, and while part of me believes that, another part of me isn't entirely convinced. I may never know and may forever be tortured by the question.

I wish I knew how to reach her and tell her how much she has broken my heart, so often in fact and so deeply, that I am surprised it still works at all. Its devastating to watch someone you love and wanted more than anything be this person that is so cold to you. It really gives a whole new perspective on the "be careful what you wish for" thing.

I wanted a daughter and I always thought I would be so good with her. I didn't expect perfection and being a girl is hard. I could relate and understand and be such a compassionate listener when someone hurt her feelings or she had her first crush or that same person rejected her or made her feel insignificant or hurt. She would be my shopping buddy and I would love her unconditionally, supporting her through all of life's crazy twists and turns. She would someday have my grandchild and ask for my help with issues, unlike a son having your grandchildren and you have to walk on eggshells around the daughter-in-law because there is some weird territorial thing for "her" kids most of the time. I know this because I watched it in others and got to experience it firsthand and I could even help her with the mother-in-law feelings.

Never, in your wildest castrophizing, could you imagine what the truth would be and how it would change your life and you forever. Sometimes I feel like I was put into this world and while it had its challenges, there was good too and that always made you feel hopeful. Then you get dragged into a warzone and see such horrific things that you are changed and no amount of good can ever take back what you've seen. You know the depths of sadness and it is something that you carry with you and nothing ever looks or feels quite the same postwar. It can't, you have just seen too much.

Of all the things she has done, I still sit here being shocked again. You think it would get easier with each hurtful act, but it doesn't work that way. It is quite the opposite. The hurt just multiplies and for every little thing you think is the absolute worst, you are shown you haven't even scratched the surface. You live in panic for the next bomb to drop, never quite sure when or where that will be.

This one is on Christmas, a holiday I always approached with a child-like excitement. I love it, even in all the stress and complaining I do, and to me it represents so much of the good. Of all the times to walk out and be MIA, it is on Christmas. There are no words. It might not seem so bad compared to other battles we have faced with her, but something about how she knows how I am with it...its like a whole new declaration of war, an unexpected attack.

I wish I knew how to fix her, how to get inside her head and find out what the right thing to say would be, the right thing to do, or anything that would be right at all. I wish I knew how to fix me now or how to simply carry on in any way that vaguely resembles feeling normal again.

I wish I knew where she was right now. I wish she knew how much.

From Kelly To Justin

The title means nothing, it just popped in my head for absolutely no reason. Well, maybe there was a reason, but it is something deep and weird and maybe I heard a song or something, who knows???

Anyhow.....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This so much describes my life lately. So many things that go wrong, but so many opportunities to learn something useful. Even on a day when everything falls apart, I can laugh, smile when I think about someone, feel good about something else, and just cope and try to rise above it all. Sometimes you have to just to survive it all and I thank God that, on most days, I have that ability. A true gift.

I decided to make some changes in my life or at least work really hard in trying to accomplish that and then I got some troubling news that could possibiliy be a really bad thing. The important word there is "possibily" because it could maybe be nothing at all. I tend to struggle with those "what ifs" a lot, but recently I'm just tired of taking every situation and driving it to the worst possible outcome. Some gifts are just as much a curse. Take creativity, it can write a wonderful story or it can take your mind to places that no mind should have to go.

I started reading a book about self-confidence because I would definitely like to get me some of that. My life was the recipe, word for word, about how it was unintentionally stirred just right to leave in a place to have very little of it at all. I can act like I have it and I can really stand by what I believe in so maybe mine is more self-defeating and personal. It isn't always visible to the naked eye, but it is more a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy that lives in every cell of my body screaming, "You could have done better or more. Not good enough!!"

I watched for it in other people. If they didn't answer a call, looked away in distraction while I was speaking, didn't seem that excited to see me, or anything that indicated I was not important enough...I used that to add to those feelings. I took it all on myself. I had proof, right?

All of a sudden something took its place. Tiredness, pure exhaustion even, was all I felt. I was just so tired of me. Somewhere in that you realize that it isn't anyone else, its you and how you feel about yourself. There is something very good about that because its all in your hands to try and change. Its not too late because you finally have an answer and some hope.

In that moment I realized that I had little control over people in my life. Some leave it before you are ready and some stay too long, but it was okay. Everything was okay. I could handle it. I saw the possibilities of new connections and even returning to some left in the past. It made me really understand the person I want to be with no apoligies to anyone else that wanted something different because they are already gone anyway.

I haven't gotten to the "how to fix it" part of the book yet, as the "why you are like this" seems to go on and on, but I already feel half way there.

I Might Have it all Figured Out, But is the Pill too BIG to Swallow?

Another Monday. It is so busy, which is good because it does go faster, I suppose. (Look at me trying to pretend to see the good side).

I always thought of myself as a fairly positive person, but the truth is...I'm not. I am always worrying about what will happen next and it never seems to fail that it is something more chaotic than before. Then you start to wonder if you set it up that way, like those books that tell you that you set it up that way.

I hate those books.

I often wonder if the world is random or totally by design to take us where we were meant to be and it is already written or known. (Imagine feather flying through the air in Forest Gump). He thought it was a little of both. I realize that bad times make you apprecitae the good times, but what if the bad times keep on coming. Will you have more good to look forward to or are some people just here to make others think, "Wow, I have it good!".

I want things to be great and to work out and flow in a positive direction, but somewhere between wanting and doing, I get all feather in a tornado. I make a plan, feel good about it and then life happens and screws up plan. Then add in hormonal fluctuations and I find in three weeks time, I am all over the map on my way to nowhere different. Even worse, I'm tired of stressing over it, over everything. I'm just plain tired.

I think too much and I want to be one of those people that don't. Is that even possible? When your mind is so conditioned to think, rethink and overthink everything and when you try and make the best of things only to find that making the best of them still leaves you in a place where it mostly sucks, how do you get out of the storm? What is left of you to even keep trying?

Its no wonder then that I feel like I am living in a dream where nothing quite looks or feels right. They say it is the mind's way of protecting itself, but if this is protection, I would rather be unprotected. In order to heal, you have to be able to feel what is real, no matter how ugly and scary that might be.

I was thinking about Friday when I called the doctor to say my back was hurting and I was having all sorts of digestive issues. They said they closed in 45 minutes and could I make it in to be checked. I thought about it and said, "I'll just wait til Monday and see if anything improves." Then Monday is here, nothing improved and I don't call cause they will want me to go there and then they will probably give me something that I can't take anyway. Does this scenerio describe my life? I mean, what did I want in calling if I wasn't going to show up? Did I just want to report the state of things and do nothing about them? Is that what I do everyday in endless vents of this is wrong and that is off? Do I just hope that everything will eventually work itself out and never take any real action to assure it? HELL YES!! (Insert Dr. Phil asking "How is that workin' out for ya??) Not good, Doc, not good at all.

I get it so much and yet I don't really get it at all. I am commited to writing all my thoughts and all my doubts and all my questionings until I do get it though. Hopefully it will help sort out my mind and find the answers I need to show up, take my pill, deal with the side effects and let it work for once.

Brooke

Since I haven't written about Brooke since she was 4-5 years old, I must say a bit about her now. She is hilarious. Everything she says and everything she does is funny to me. I always thought Ryan had a great sense of humor when he was little. He was one of those people born wise beyond his years and he had a very advanced understanding of all things, including humor. Sometimes we would be driving down the street, full car, and see something and he and I would just laugh. No one else really "got it", but the same things struck us and sent us into giggling fits. Brooke's humor is not exactly like that. It is more goofy and more of her own making. She just says things that make you laugh, not just because they are really funny, but also because they are really original and you are shocked that she even came up with that.

Cassie has this boyfriend, named Josh, that is really sensitive and dramatic. Being that Cassie is the same, it is truly a match made in hell because two overly sensitive people make for a constant stream of misunderstandings and fighting and crying and "look at it from MY standpoint" WHAH!! They were in one of their deep discussions when Brooke walks up to the phone and says, "What do you call Josh and one idiot?". Cassie pauses and looks at her as she replies, "Two idiots". I'm sure she heard it on a show, but her timimg, her faces, her delivery is so unexpected and so funny that even Cassie is fighting to hold back a laugh as me and Brooke giggle like crazy. He yells that he is not going to sit there while her whole family laughs at him and hangs up on her. Cassie starts to yell at us and then can't help but laugh and says, "Okay, that WAS funny".

Its stuff like this constantly with Brooke. She told Cassie she would be pretty if she didn't have all those brown spotted freckles on her face, so I asked if she thought I looked okay. She turned her mouth sideways, placed her finger on the side of it and really looked at me with a "thinking really hard" look and said...."ummmmmmmmmm, NO." But then she busts out laughing. Its contagious, her giggling and being a constant cut up. She would have faired so well in my family growing up because you really needed to be able to take a joke when someone was always hitting you with smack.

Most of her comedy acts are in the "you just had to be there" catagory, but she always comes up with something different to crack you up. I use so many of the things she says to respond to others because it just makes me laugh. Like her asking a question that makes you ask, "Why?" and her answer is "Because you're not shmart". Whenever someone asks me why to anything....I always want to say, and sometime do, "Because you're not shmart."

She still has her six year old moments of whining and complaining and some days it is a job dealing with her, but I can't imagine life without her. She has also started to not want me at her bus stop. She says all the kids look when we pull up and she is not a baby anymore. It seems to happen earlier and earlier, but six?? She does say, "Give me a kiss and drive away, pleaseeee". So, we are not at the "OMG, do NOT kiss me in public" stage yet. So, at least I still have that.

She asked how babies get into a mommy's belly and said, "I know like some seed from the daddy gets in there, but how does it get there???" I said, "Well, it complicated and we will discuss it more when you get older". She gets it is a sensitive subject now, but still can make something funny out of it. She will come in and randomly say, "Mom, can I have a drink?" and then put her hands on her hips, gets that "Whatchu talkin bout , Willis" look on her face and says, "How DOES that seed get there???". And then she laughs, not waiting for an answer, just skipping down the hall with her juice box.

Last night she said we should say ten things every night that we are thankful for and then proceeded to say her list that included her family, friends, warm house, snow to play in and cookies. Then she had me list mine. I could learn a lot from a six year old.....

Lost-42 Year Old. Answers to Anything. Reward.

So, I have been gone and kinda in more ways than one. I forget myself. For so many years now, it has been constant stress and it is not the kind of stress that is in your control. It is life changing is all the bad ways. I'm stressed and anxious, causing me to feel sick in many non-specific ways. I get scared for me sometimes and wonder if I would even recognize "calm" if he showed up on my doorstep. I'm depressed and stuck. I'm forever hopeful and always working on ways to change the situation but those things beyond your control are hard to work around.

I hate the way my mood still controls the house. If I am a mess from the happenings in it, it just snowballs, because the mom is somehow the gauge for the whole feeling of the house. It is a lot of pressure and a job I don't take lightly. It is just a job I haven't been too successful at lately.

I know what has to be done and day after day it isn't happening. I need time to help myself, get out, do something different, have a few breaks here and there, have a few things fall in my favor, have a babysitter once a week to not have to go from work to more work and be out there enjoying something.....anything..just so I can remember what something that isn't a chore feels like.

I hate that I look at raising kids for 12 more years, at least, a job that seems overwhelming after already having 23 years in. I hate that I had such bad experiences that make me feel that way at all. I love Brooke, she is the funniest kid and I want her to have the same fun we all used to have when we were raising five at a time. Cassie continues to be a challenge and I hate that Brooke has to see and be a part of that too. I hate that Cassie's life is hard, because regardless what they put you through, you still wish happiness for every one of your children. I hate the isolation that troubles in your life cause. I want something better for everyone.

This starts out very depressing, but I think writing again will help. Even in chaos, good things still happen and funny moments make you forget all the issues for awhile and good friends make the road a little easier just by listening to you vent, or taking your mind off bad things entirely.

This is the venting part and hopefully the reward at the end will be finding myself within this web of stress and hard times, and learning to recognize calm again. I miss him too.

Changes

I had the flu most of the week and it is still causing havoc with my sinuses, which I am certain will require an antibiotic to get better, but I didn't call the doctor because I am me.

Speaking of me, I am so sick of ME!! I was watching Dr Phil when I was off sick and it is just never a good idea for me to watch Dr Phil. I am like a mental health hyperchondriac and I can always relate to whoever may be on that day, even if their issues are totally unrelated to any I have ever had...I can always find some common bond and something to add to my list of "that must be why I am like this". I'm tired of putting together pieces of a puzzle that is just a blank picture of nothing. Not that I am calling myself "nothing", it is just that you can put that all together and end up no further along then where you started anyway. Useless.

I scream I want less stress and that I want all these things to go a certain way and yet I do everything exactly the same. I guess we all do that too much. The answer is in action. Different action and resisting the pull and habit of being the same day after day. There are always those stresses around us that we can't change and so with those I suppose the only change possible is how we handle it and that has to be different too. It is so much easier to just fall in to what you have always done before, change is hard.

I thought I would start one day last week, this change the way I do the same shit, and then I found I had some aches, then the flu took hold and now the sinus ordeal. I can always find so many reasons to postpone. One big proof positive bit of evidence is how all my attempts to change start with one thing, cleaning the house. I always think, "Hmmmm, I'll get this place all organized and simple and then I'll start on myself. ". The what happens next is always the downfall of the plan. First, I'm much too tired for change after cleaning this place and second, it doesn't stay that way for more than five minutes, then I am much too pissed off for change.


I always think there is some magic thought that will make it all so clear, what I am to do and how I am to react, but the magic never happens. I did have a thought that other day that I thought might be it. It was just live and stop trying to figure it all out. Just be. But, hell, that could never work, right?? Too easy?? Too damn hard??

Anyway, I'm going to try and go outside of my safety zone a bit. Okay, so it may just start with a pepsid, but why suffer heartburn cause you hate pills?? Ya know? Plus, I'm gonna do it in other ways too. I'm going to just take a chance once in awhile even if I'm a little scared. Writing about it here qualifies too.

Its scary to put yourself out there.

Brookie, With Pictures Totally Unrelated to Story.

Brooke has been sick since Monday. My plan to start writing here again was sidetracked by fevers, doctor visits and Brooke screaming , at least 100 times a day, "Oh!! This nose, I can't take it anymore!". When we went to see the doctor on Saturday, she randomly said to him, "If I saw a wishing star, I would wish to breath out of my nose like other people can.". He said it broke his heart. Mine was a little shattered too.

She needs her adenoids out. We decided to wait til June when school was out and then Bob decided that maybe wait a few years, it will traumatize her and then ...BAM...this horrid week and I think we all realize she needs them out ASAP. Even on non-cold/allergy days she struggles to ever breath out of her nose, add a sickness and it just gets clogged. The ears can't drain, the sinuses can't drain and everything just gets infected.

When her ears get all clogged up , she can't hear either and combine that with a fever and it gets pretty scary. I'm always checking to see if she is disoriented from fever or just partially deaf from the build up of gunk that can't escape. It requires getting real close to her face and yelling to make sure she can respond properly to what I am asking. Mega-antibiotic was started Saturday, so hopefully things will start improving. After a few doses, her fever spiked back up to 102.7, but maybe today it will really start working to clear this all up.

Her birthday is in two weeks and she is going to be six already!! It seems not so long ago that she was born and yet at the same time, its hard to remember life without her.

There is Only One Way to Go, I Guess

Well. Maybe two. Wynonna said when you hit rock bottom, there's only two ways to go, straight up or sideways. I always believe her. I always seem to go sideways too.

I am in such a strange place. Hard to even define. I do tell the people closest to me, cause I am pretty sure we have equal evidence against one another for being commited. I try and play it safe with the deepest information. I'm wise like that.

One thing I never really talked about much here is definitely the biggest issue in my life. It starts with an Anx and ends with an Iety. And. It really sucks. It is not just something that you can re-route, it is something that works really hard to become the center of your universe. If you listen to it, it grows. If you ignore it, it fights back violently as to say "LOOKIE HERE, I'M COMING BACK BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN EVER......MUHAHAHA!!!". The worst part is that just when you think you have it all figured out, stress happens. Lots and lots of stress and BOOM, square one.

My main escape is work. It is predictable for the most part, no one sneaks out or anything like at home. There are a few personalities I could live without and a few people that make mountains out of molehills while I search furiously for ways to make molehills out of mountains in my own life. Sometimes I would pay to have the problems they think they have, cause life would be a breeze. Not to minimize anyone else's struggles, but it just seems some people have to have the drama and so a small issue can become what makes them nuts for weeks and weeks on end.

Home is my stress place, no doubt. Cassie, oh my Lord, Cassie. I can't even talk in detail about her here because it could tramautize and torment others. Its just so bad. Hopefully, in writing about it without writing about it, I can gain an outside look in and maybe figure out what to do, because I am great with other people's problems, just really sucky with my own.

Bob, ugh. He killed me on a Wednesday and thats all I have to say about that. Seriously though, he can take a stressful situation that you think could NOT possibly get any worse and make it SO MUCH WORSE! When things get bad around here, he tells me, the one doing everything, how I just sit there and do nothing about it. There are not words. He also follows me like a puppy and anywhere I go, he finds a reason to search and destroy. It is exhausting. Occasionally he is useful, like when I have had enough and yell "BOB!!!!!!!!!" and he makes offending people get away from me now.

I'm not trying to say that I am not difficult, cause I am. I crawl in my corner and surrender a lot. I deal with and deal with and deal with and when I can't deal with one more second, I detach and need space and I can't get space, so I detach more. Then I basically hate, resent and lash out. When I have had enough, I have to make myself laugh at something, anything. So, out of nowhere, I change. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I 'm a sinner, I'm a saint..I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing inbetween.

I can't seem, for how much I want it, to be where I want and need to be and goddamn, it is so frustrating. Bad times are like a prison and everyone and everything else is holding the key. I want my fucking key back. Which reminds me of the anger. The anger at trying to be a nice person in this world that deserves nice back and gets not nice back. And all that being said, I know somewhere that I am to blame and that only I can change things for myself, but I'm tired. That is the opportunity for depression to come in and it has and I have to be the one to make it go away.

I want simple. I crave simple. I was given this deeply analytical brain and it doesn't serve you well to have to think so much. I envy people that take life for what it is and they just live life not searching for a reason or some bigger meaning to it all. We live, we die and everything in the middle is just making the best of it and accepting the uncertainty and ups and downs of this life. I want to know why, who , when , where and maybe all that crap doesn't really matter. I want security and certainty where none exists and I am ruining my middle every step of the way waiting for the answers where there aren't any.

I am 42 now. Its time.

WOWSIE, I FORGOT ABOUT THIS PLACE!!

It has been years. Well, not years, but, like a year and a half or more. This used to be my place to go, while I worked at home, to unload a lot of whiny-ass bullshit. I miss that.

I have been working at "The Practice" for two years now. I love it, I hate it and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. My co-workers....same, but they have become so much a part of my weekday family. Only one is on my shitlist today and some days..none at all. That ain't so bad.

Ryan will be graduating from college this year. I can't believe it. I'm so proud of him. He doesn't really need me so much anymore and that hurts as much as it makes me feel good to know he is independent. He sent me a text today that said, "I'm sick. I need you to take care of me.". Tearing up again. Excuse me....................

Travis will also graduate from a 2 year program in December and is working in a coal mine part-time, and omg, I made a rhyme. He was in an accident Wednesday, but he is okay. (Did I make another rhyme?) He is doing great and, again, proud.

We will be leaving proud to mention Cassie. Same shit, different year. Still love her and want the best for her and I hope someday she wants the same.

Brooke. The Princess. She is adorable and funny and fabulous and she brightens every single day and I am so not worthy. She is going to be six and all grown up like, reading me bedtime stories.

So, back to me. I'm in midlife again. Well. I never left it, I just bunked up and stayed and stayed...now I can't figure out how to get the hell outta here. I'm going through this really reflective time and I see parts of my life so differently and its so long and complex and I reject complex, as I nurture it minute by minute. Everything feels like an ending with no real new beginning. The best times seem behind me and I long for days when I lived life instead of reflecting on it and analyzing it and feeling so damn far away from that life. Blah. I think they call it depression. FYI, it sucks.

So many things have happened and so many things have stayed exactly the same. Most of it I wish to reverse. Mostly, I miss me. I'm still me on the outside, but the inside is icky and sad. I plan to change it, I have been planning to change it for a long time and I think so much about changing it, but change, thats a hard one.

I figure I have some time left here and, you know, I look like I should feel better. I think life is harder than I thought while being so much easier than I make it. The things I am ready to let go of, hang on tighter and the things I let go, I question. Anyhow, I thought maybe I would start writing again and that it may help me figure it out. This might get deep. It may be the same whiny ass shit all over again and wouldn't that be horrid? I guess time will tell, but I am pretty sure it will start out sounding much worse and hopefully end being much better.

Holding Unsteady

It has been awhile. I still do not have the pictures developed from the grad party. Too much happens....always.

I have avoided writing because when so much is going on, you become so philosophical and within yourself, what you say may become evidence for a commitment, and not the romantic kind.

I really like my job, though I am rarely there. The big move of combining offices that was to happen in July hasn't. Then it was to be August 1st. Nope. Now they are hoping the one guy trying to remodel the whole 5th floor with be done before Halloween. This leaves me with about 5-15 hours a week and I am actually off for 9 straight days, cause doctors like to play tennis and golf in the summer and they all picked the same two weeks.

I never thought I would want to be full-time, in the grind of it all, but now I do. I feel purposeful there and even appreciated. It isn't that I am not purposeful at home, but it rarely feels that way. It feels more like a chore...hundreds of 'em, even. The appreciation part-lacking greatly, almost like non-existent. Well, not almost.

Brooke is doing great with the adventures she goes on one or two days a week with Mamaw and Pappa. She went to Kennywood yesterday. I appreciate that they still have an inability to stay at home, because lately, all my days off are carting Cassie somewhere and, other than the fair, I haven't taken her too many places in the last few weeks.

Ryan has an apartment in Washington now. He signed the lease yesterday and I'm trying to pretend I am not completely traumatized. I can't wait to go set it all up and put my control freak ways to good use, but driving away to go back home, leaving my prince in his "new place"......ouch.


Travis is doing well in school and spending his grad money at a rapid speed. His latest expense is something I am trying to talk him out of, but it is Travis, and when his mind is set, it NEVER changes. I have my steps with him perfected....discuss, try to sway, grieve silently, accept.

Cassie is still Cassie, always into one thing or another..constant drama. Her room is horrifying and, though my teenage bedroom could not compare, I think it falls into that "I hope you grow up and have a kid that acts just like you" curse that your mom throws on you. My mom must be extra good with curses because every small issue I ever gave her, I am getting back tenfold. If I am as skilled on the curse, Cassie should never have a daughter. NEVER.

:( :o)

Well, I got through the graduation party and will have pictures to follow soon. I am still working off an old computer and scanning is a bit of a challenge.

It turned out just fine, even thought the day started with a flat tire, car switch and then running out of gas in town....typical day for me, really. After cooking non-stop for four days, I went on strike in the kitchen. Leftovers, Sunday and Monday, order out Tuesday and a lame attempt of cooking for Wednesday....angel hair pasta that cooks in 6 minutes and a jar of Prego.

Cassie has been excruciatingly difficult the last few days and I totally blame her for me forgetting to put the afternoon blood draws in the pick-up box before leaving work..cause, damn, she is stressing me out. It is getting so bad, I fear I will leave for work without everything I need, like pants or something...my brain is on overload.

Naturally, when things get tough, Bob makes 'em tougher and the nicest thing I have said to him all week was "I hope you will be happy with your next wife". I think that was extremely thoughtful of me. I'm just not sure he caught that after, "go straight to hell, asshole"...but I meant it, sincerely.

My parents took Brooke and Cassie for the day. I never thought I would say or type those words ever. They went to Pittsburgh and I am alone in my house. ALL ALONE. IN MY HOUSE. TEEEEE HEE HEE HEE!!!

I am going to shampoo my carpets and then watch them dry without anyone walking on them and catch up on laundry. I do live a life of excitement!

Time to get busy.......that is a lot of fun to pack into one day

Reunion

I used to have this recurring dream about being somewhere, like a concert or a Wal-mart and it turns into my class reunion, and I have no idea it will turn into my class reunion so I am totally not dressed right and I generally just look like shit and it is all stressful and junk.

I had it again last night. I was in some sort of very large, public, multi-toilet bathroom attempting to pee and when I walked to the sink....WAH LAH, my class reunion! B, my friend was standing there in some "walk like an Egyptian" dress and her hair was glittery silver and she had on sandals that strung around her ankles several times. I start seeing all these random people from high school, but I cannot remember there names, for real. Then I glance in the mirror and there I stand with no make-up, messy uncombed hair and some weird, nerdy outfit on. It was a long jean shirt, past my knees, and a blue t-shirt. Over this I have on a jean jacket thingy that is almost as long as my shirt.

I look and my boobs are enormous, but I look really chubby...but my boobs were enormous!! Did I already mention that? Anyway, I decide to walk out of this bathroom, to escape this hell, to go buy something to wear, go back home, clean up and return, but when I walk out I am in a giant reception hall and people from high school are coming up to talk to me! I am trapped. I think about what I look like and what I have on and what the hell am I gonna do?? So, I do the only thing I can, act like a hippie type, cause I want to look this way, make-up and actual hair-dos are so 1980s and you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman.... and then puff out my chest and work the boobs, cause that's all I really have to work with here.

I feel like I am really doing well, making the best of this thing and then I pass by a dance floor and there is a mirror and I see myself again and OMG!! I look even worse!! The horror wakes me up.

I am not sure why rough times always take me back to high school, but on the other hand it is so text book psychology.....not good enough, never prepared and my sis used to act like I had the biggest, ickiest boobs ever even though they were never so big and my mom used to buy Jane Russell 18 hour double d's for me that my b cups could not even fill out a quarter of the way, and when your sister endlessly talks about being a size 3, but you are a 9 and so fat...it all fits! I think it always made me feel like they saw me so differently than I really was, both physically and mentally and BLAH..I hate that dream!

I am not even sure why I am in a rough time. Well, I can think of a few reasons, but the money issue is mostly under control. Of course, the money issue creates a mighty good distraction from all the other things that could have been on my mind... and that are now on my mind since I cannot worry about being late on this payment or that one. Ugh, I get so tired of me.

In my daily, awake life I have dealt with the issues of the past, cause we all have them and they all suck..but move on already. Maybe I really haven't if they creep back to me at night, though. Maybe I think too much and wish I didn't.

Back to 2007, I need a new distraction. A good one. Maybe the days it will take me to think of a good one will work for now. You gotta start somewhere....

From the Sober, To the Drunk

Working at the family bar on Saturdays have taught me so much about the process of getting drunk. There is nowhere so perfect to study the effects of alcohol and how each person uniquely changes with every passing drinking hour. I watch with amazement how predictably each person's behavior unfolds.

They shall remain nameless, of course, but we have the a women that starts friendly, gets friendlier, starts hugging people...I mean, real heartfelt, long, lingering hugs...then starts hanging on guys. She starts with average guys and then, as the clock is approaching 2a.m., her beer goggles tightly in place, she has been known to move on to the scary guy. She is often seen crying and holding herself up on someone and sometimes she starts making out with a scary guy.

We have drunken tourettes guy. With each passing substance, he gets louder and starts making less and less sense. He shouts things out randomly and, to those not used to his drunk/high state, he seems unstable and frightening. I know he is harmless and I enjoy watching others watch him, mostly in terror.

We have a jolly drunk. He says little, but smiles more and more as the night goes on. He is just happy to be there and is very low maintenance. He just wants a steady flow of buds coming his way, will chat when spoken to very cheerfully and then go back to just being happy to be there again. Bothers no one, a bartender's dream.

We have a young guy that everyone seems to dislike, but at the same time, everyone seems to have an urge to take care of when he stammers about. He becomes like an ornery child of three. He grabs people's money, he will take a fry off your plate, he walks into the restroom and as the door opens with other pee'ers entering, he is still in there, looking confused. Someone usually has to fetch him or he would stay there for hours, uncertain of where he is and why.

We have the loners. People that show up, don't seem to know anyone, have a beer or two, laugh at the crowd as though they wish to be a part of it, lack the guts to really do anything about it and then move on.

We have the dancing drunks. The ones that come in determined to relive some moment of their past with songs from their day, dancing and shouting out to others as they sing loud and try to get everyone else involved. They dance for hours on end, usually with the aid of several jaegar bombs for fuel. Some dancers just dance for themselves and are in their own little world having the time of their life.

We have the neighborhood people, that need not drive home, so they work really hard at making it almost impossible to even walk. Often, you can find them face down on the bar, asleep. Once awakened, it is like they are in some game of pin the tail on the donkey, as if freshly spun and spun with a blindfold on, you point them towards the door and they crash into tables, walls and bar stools anyway. You want to drive them the block home, but fear you will never get them out of your car...so you just get 'em out the door and hope for the best.

We have the younger crowd trying to be cooler and dance more trendy than the older crowd, but lose cause they are in a bar ruled by the 40 year olds, making the young ones just uncool for even showing up.

We have the drunk spenders, the more they drink, the more they want to buy shots for ten of their new, closest best friends and they start tipping too much. Me likey them.

We have the good ol' boys from the hood that pretty much run the place and act like they are still the shit with their high fives and loud glory day stories. The same ones, over and over and over and who the hell cares? They usually come with their hens that sit and make ugly faces of "who is that slut" when a young, pretty girl walks in and they decide that her belly is sort of big, or that she is a stripper, a tramp, a skank, or some shit like that. I like to egg it on when they ask, all mean and scrunchy faced, "Who is THAT?" and I reply, "I don't know, isn't she pretty???" MUH HAHA!!!

We have the pains in the ass that want served immediately, no matter how many people are waiting, cause they are part of the good 'ol boys and feel entitled, but never leave a tip, so as loud as they shout my name and no matter how disgusted the tone becomes in their shouts, sometimes, well, the music was so loud, and I just didn't hear ya.

For all the flaws and annoyances, I still like just about every person that walks in and some people I am just happy to see because they are all of these things or none of them at all, but they always make the night an experience.

By 1am, I feel like I am the mom of 75 unruly kids and I just want them to go to bed already. At 2am we have the same ones that just don't get the word quit and hang around and and hang around until I play the song "Closing Time" and shout the lyrics, "Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time - you don't have to go home but you CAN'T STAY HERE!!!!!!" That usually does the trick, except for the ones that believe I am talking to the other idiots in the bar and not "them". News flash! I mean YOU and I am not your sweetie, baby, honey or even a remote possibility for you. Buh-bye.

As much fun as it has all been, I feel the time to pass the baton to another family member or trusted person is coming very soon. I miss being the shouting, dancing, hugging, glory days gal sometimes. Then I usually come back to my senses and think how nice it would be to curl up in a blankie with a warm cup of tea and watch a movie on Saturday night instead.

This May be Monitored....

Okay, it was PMS..it strikes again, a week early. How I am expected to see the difference between insanity and PMS when it continues to appear so randomly?? But, more importantly, why is my uterus preparing itself so often?

Could it be my biological clock, about to run out, trying desperately to give me as many opportunities as possible? Why would it do that? It is like the Bil Cosby thing. Why do I have four kids? Because I do NOT want five!

My life followed its regular routine of "just when you think you got it all straightened out, new shit pops up". I pay off all my debt. The 25 calls a day, where I had to listen to that same old line of, "This call may be monitored for quality purposes and this is an attempt to collect a debt, any information provided will be used against you, thrown in your face and used to make you feel like a total loser..as if, you don't feel enough like one already". So, I use one day to actually listen to all this to track the debt, make settlements and list all the people I will pay off so that the calls will finally stop. One that showed up on my caller ID constantly was I.C. System. I hate I.C. System. I make out all the checks, I go to the post office, send then overnight and inform all the blood suckers that they are on the way.

First day, debt free, I do not hear the phone and its constant ringing starting at 8:02am. It feels good and I feel good about it all. Then at 9am, as I am doing some laundry, it rings. I smile confidently and think, "Wow, that must be for ME!! A friend or something!". I run up the steps and see the "I.C. System" on the caller ID. I smile to myself, yet again, happy to inform them that they are through with me, it is sent, leave me alone now and have a wonderful day. I answer, wait the 45 seconds it takes for someone to answer me back and it is a lovely gentleman named Nick. He starts with the regular "this call may be monitored for" but I stop him and say, "Nick,I have sent this payment.." He says, "The dentist bill for $547 that was just received in our collection office today??" "Ummm, no Nick, not that one!!" BASTARD!!!!!! F'in BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!

Ten minutes later, it rings again. This time a Florida call. It is a T-mobile balance from a year and a half ago for 178 bucks that I totally forgot about and never really heard anything about in over a year and now, today, this day that I believed I owed no one, this is THE DAY the dentist turns me over to collection and T-mobile remembers me???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And WHY????

Then, I remember why. Because it is ME ....duh.

I almost fear sending in the proper college paperwork, so that Ryan's bill will go through the insurance as it should have and then actually paying that 178 bucks, because then what? Some forgotten Fingerhut bill for an 80 dollar phone that I still owed 320 for seven years ago and decided not to pay them on the principle of the matter because they always sent my statement two days before it was due so they could charge me 30 bucks a month for a late fee?? That piece of shit phone, that is long gone now, will probably cost me 10,000 by now! The day I take care of these two issues, I just know they will catch up with me!! So, just when I think it is safe and the waters have calmed, I sit at night, alone, peeking out my window and fearing Fingerhut!

Then I start thinking "fingerhut", what the hell is a fingerhut?

Bitchyitis

I win the bitch of all bitches award. I'm mean, I yell at people all the time, I have this fed up, stay out of my way attitude and instead of releasing some of my anger with these continual outbursts...it seems to only grow.

It is like the anger for everything that has ever happened to me in the past 40 years is surfacing right now. I can't even stop myself. At the graduation I had to literally stop myself from talking at all because every time I opened my mouth it spurted hate and complaints about everything. I could hardly stand myself!

It did not help that I had not eaten since early morning and Bob was sent on a food run at 4:30, which was one hour before we were to leave. He was going to Wendy's and I said I did not want a hamburger, maybe just one of those deli sandwiches. Since a ten minute run for food is a 45 minute ordeal for Bob, I left to buy a camera at 5 o'clock, knowing that calling him to pick one up would make us late and drive him past the hour mark on two errands. Upon arriving home, I was so hungry it was making me even more evil. I walk in and grab a Wendy's bag and it is EMPTY!!!! I said, "Where is my sandwich??".

"You said you did not want a burger......"

I cannot even describe the rage that filled my entire body as I realized he can only comprehend the first part of a sentence, but to top it off, my parents start calling asking where we are, they are standing in front of the high school and it is 5:15pm. We were to meet them there at 5:45pm to give them their tickets. Travis, in the meantime, has given Bob his tie because he can't tie it...turns out Bob forgets how to, as well.

My parents call back three minutes later, "You didn't leave yet?? People are going in!! We are not going to get a seat...". I grab a piece of cake, the only ready to eat food in the house at that moment and tell Bob to get the tie figured out so we can go. He tries three more times, I have inhaled the cake, the phone rings..."Trying to tie a tie??? Bring it down here, your dad will tie it at the high school, we have been waiting for fifteen minutes here and cannot get in without the tickets!!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Travis is now ordered to forget the tie and put on his cap and gown for a quick picture session. He starts to protest, but then looks directly into my eyes and sees the pure evil and quickly gets it on so I can take the pictures. We fly out the door, but then hear Brooke scream, "You didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!! WHAHHHHH!!". We run back for kisses and hugs, we run back to the car and then drive to the high school, me on a bitching rage from hell.."Travis can't just get on the shit so I can snap a picture, cake on an empty stomach sucks, I wish I could have had REAL food, it is too damn hot today, my parents drive me freakin' nuts...all early, always spazzin', how can you forget how to tie a tie, why am I surrounded by COMPLETE and TOTAL IDIOTS!!!!!!..hate, hate, hate!!!!!"

Once we get there, I moan and groan about the heat again and start a political discussion over something unimportant, but annoying to others. I see Dee Dee who speaks to me and I think I may have growled and I do remember rolling my eyes...it is all a blur now. I went to my seat, started talking about how we were screwed out of tickets...started a Muttley grumbling and then... when the music started... and the graduates starting filing in, I was all business with my proud momma smile and my camera.

That ended a split second after the closing music started.

Project Graduation-phase one complete. The memory tape and party still left, so many more bitching opportunities left.

The Graduate

Tonight Travis graduates. Tonight I will be packed into a gym/stage to watch him walk across, in his very bright purple cap and gown. It makes me sad, how significant this walk can be because it is like walking out of a carefree life that you do not even realize is carefree, until you pass through it.

There should be some better transitional stage between being young and being grown up. You are expected to start planning your future, which you thought you were planning all along, to find yourself unprepared. College is somewhat that transition, but when you are free from the constraints of all day school, your lifestyle becomes pretty expensive. Grades matter even more and picking just one area of study holds all new constraints.

I wish I could be more excited, and maybe if I had a great level of success, I might be more excited right now. I play happy and isn't it great, but I often fear they may see right through that, as I put my experience onto them...a totally different individual. While knowing that is wrong, I do dream of better things for my kids, but I can't escape the fear of the hard times and wanting so much for them never to become as familiar as I have with them.

Just for tonight, I think I will put away the fears and feel the happy. The future never disappoints in reasons to worry, so I have plenty of time for that. I will make him his favorite dessert, carrot cake with cream cheese icing, (Yeah, he is different) and I will only see the hope and promise. I need a little sugar with my hope, it makes it so much easier to swallow.

I will celebrate new beginnings, for Travis, and for me. Maybe I will even get to the bottom of why good needs help to swallow and bad goes down so easy.

To my Prince Harry, I wish you all the hope, love and good times in the world with just enough hard times to make you appreciate the really great times that we fail to recognize when it all comes to easy.

Minus Me

I did not make it to any family event this weekend and there was one every single day. Saturday was a grad party, Sunday, a birthday party and Monday, a picnic. I don't know why it is so mentally exhausting to think about going, but after it is all said and done, I am feeling a bit guilty.

Sometimes you just get a sense of what you need, what you can handle and what you need to do to maintain and it doesn't include certain situations. It is not the fault of others and it usually has everything to do with you. I just feel down about my situation and something about seeing everyone happy and financially well was too much to take this weekend. So childish, but so true. I guess that is where the guilt comes in. I don't begrudge them for having, I am just down on myself for not, maybe. It just makes me feel like a failure and I stayed away for completely selfish reasons.

At 40, I have so much growing up to do.

People will often tell me I do not do enough for myself, but I think maybe I do way too much for myself in all the wrong ways. I treat myself to nothing, rarely buy items or services and so I appear somehow deprived. I more than make up for it with my emotional neediness to have everything as I need it to be at all times.

Half the battle of any issue is recognizing it, so as bad as I come out here, I have at least started to acknowledge it. I'm tired of babying myself to prevent stress and anxiety, when all it has ever done is caused it.

Note to self: Knock that shit off.

Wookie!!

I added video!! All by myself!! This is part of Travis's memory tape.

Been Awhile

I haven't written in so long. Just too much stuff going on and not enough time to sit and vent. That is probably a good thing.

I started my new job two weeks ago. The hours are very low now until we combine the three offices in late July. This is not helping the money situation too much, in fact, it is maybe making it worse. Uniforms, new shoes, gas money, lunch money and all the expense of working is about even to what I am making with these short days. It is like I am working to pay for working....a bad thing.

Brooke seems to be having a great time. She has been to the mall a few times, Amish country, swimming and visited numerous parks since my mom took over with babysitting duties. My parents make me feel like such a loser sometimes. At 40, I find it hard to have enough energy to spend two hours with her at the park, they can fill a 6 hour babysitting day with travel, games, fun, ice cream, long walks, counting cows in the country, and on and on. She comes home with new shoes, a bathing suit, various toys and giant lolly pops. These are not the parents I grew up with at all!!

They did like to do a lot, I will give them that, but the buying stuff.....nope, didn't happen.

Ryan is home for the summer. I know this because my house is a disaster. His shit is everywhere and, when not working, you can always find him sleeping in a room you wish to be in, but his long body is taking up most of it. He has a flagging job for a construction company and I had reports today that he was dancing on the job. I am so proud, and I am not even kidding, I love goofy people, especially if I helped create them.

Travis is getting ready to graduate next week. OMG! It doesn't seem real, four of our six will be finished with high school now, while one has yet to even start school at all.

Change of subject, it made me feel panicky to type that.

Cassie is under house arrest...literally and, oh, the joy of it all. I keep telling myself someday we sit around a table laughing at her antics, and yet I am not sure I will get through her teenage years......but I try to remain hopeful.

Going back to work is starting to make me feel like my old self in some ways. Some good and some bad. On the good side, I get to be with grown ups and be away so that I appreciate being home with the kids a little more than I did when it was 24/7. I am back to making lists of things I need to get done and I like having some purpose other than cleaning and cooking duty. On the bad side, I find that when I get home, I am really tired and never seem to accomplish all the crap on my lists.

I work tomorrow and then have four, count 'em, four days off! Well, three if you count that I work Saturday night....well two if you count that working until 3am Saturday night screws over Sunday......so, I have two days off!! I can work with that, I guess.

I plan on working on my lists and completing all the stuff I have been too tired to get to after work. Or I might lay around like a bump on a log. I haven't decided yet.